Athletic Worthing 0-3 Hassocks Fatboys

Sussex Sunday League Division Five
Sunday 14th October 2012
Goring Recreation Ground

 

At 9am, 13 men were waking up across Mid Sussex wondering what the hell they were thinking to have agreed to go to Worthing to play a Sussex Sunday League Division Five game of football. Three-and-a-half hours later and the decision had been fully justified as Hassocks Fatboys were coming home with three points, a first ever clean sheet and the first booking in club history.

A 2-0 win over Athletic Worthing represented an excellent morning of work for Daniel Lawrence and his players. Scott McCarthy and the back four recorded a deserved shutout and Mark Potter will be writing out a cheque to the Sussex County Football Association for the sum of 10 Great British Pounds for a cynical and disgraceful foul.

It wasn’t just the match official who was unimpressed with Potter as both he and Andy Rumble incurred the wrath of a local pensioner when they decided to take a piss in a bush before the game. This was going on just as new signing Richard Coleman turned up in his Essex Boy Renault Clio, meaning that Coleman’s first introduction to his new teammates was to see two of them being told off by an 80-year-old woman for public urination. Quite the introduction.

The hosts came into the tie having lost just twice so far this season and those defeats were against the division’s early pace setters, Kingston Broadway and Hove Athletic. An already daunting task was made to look even harder with Martyn Buxton’s absence as he was moving house. Lawrence had moved quickly in the week once it began apparent that Buxton wasn’t going to be available for the trip to Worthing, bringing in Coleman who gave an impressive account of himself at left back despite the unnerving start that his career had begun with following the piss incident.

There was further bad news on the morning of the game when the Fatboys lost both of their principle centre forwards, who in fairness had two excellent excuses for their absence. Jason Pennicard had pulled his groin tiling his bathroom the previous day. Stuart Hunter meanwhile had been night fishing on Friday when the bank he was standing on collapsed from under him, sending him tumbling into the freezing cold water. As a result, he missed out with a virus.

Worthing had plundered seven goals on two separate occasions and they started the game with a clear intent to attack. For all their possession though and attempts to drive forward, they rarely found a way through the Fatboys back four of Matt Martindale, Jason Gander, Rumble and Coleman.

On the one occasion they did manage to break through in the first 25 minutes, Rumble somehow managed to get away without conceding a penalty when he caught the ball and then hid it under his shirt. Quite how the referee didn’t judge neither the handball nor the attempted abduction of the football as an offence is an absolute mystery.

The Fatboys had been non existent as an attacking threat in the opening half hour, unable to get a grip in midfield where they were outnumbered by Worthing’s five. It was therefore completely against the run of play when the Fatboys took the lead on 28 minutes from a set piece situation.

Martindale had taken over the captain’s armband from the injured Buxton and despite the pleading of his teammates not to take set pieces too, he’d decided it was his right to swing over a free kick from out on the right. This turned out to be an excellent decision from the stand-in skipper as his delivery to the far post evaded everyone bar Stuart Ridley who finished with a trademark volley for 1-0.

Worthing were taken aback by that and suddenly, the momentum shifted. Phil Standen had surprised everyone by managing to last longer than five minutes before being struck down with injury and buoyed by this confidence in his new-found fitness level, the veteran striker began to come into the game more.

This was bad news for Worthing as they were unable to find away around Standen’s huge arse without fouling him. Three times in five minutes Standen went to ground having been grappled by the same home player and eventually, a card came out for persisting fouling for the central defender in Worthing’s back three.

Five minutes before half time and the Fatboys added a second. McCarthy sent a huge kick over the top of the Worthing back line which led to a superb Chuckle Brothers impression as the defender headed the ball straight into the face of his own goalkeeper with the two then colliding with each other. Dave Standing was on hand to pick up the pieces and roll into the empty net for his first goal for the club.

The simple message at half time was for the Fatboys to hold onto what they had. They were helped in that regard by a bizarre substitution from Worthing followed by an unfortunate injury. The home number nine had looked their most dangerous player and had just seen a header chalked off for offside when he was withdrawn from proceedings, making the Fatboys defence’s task a little easier. Worthing then lost their playmaker number four after an inconspicuous looking challenge brought his morning to a premature end.

The Fatboys were forced into a change of their own when Rhys Kearvill suffered an asthma attack as a result of the hard working defensive job he was doing out on the right. Dad JK nearly got injured himself as he ran across the pitch with Rhys’ inhaler. Lawrence took Kearvill’s place in a straight swap, meaning that for the third time in six games this season the Fatboys were playing their only left footed player on the right wing.

Potter and Ridley began to get on top of the Worthing midfield as the match entered the final 25 minutes but it still took two excellent saves from McCarthy to ensure the hosts didn’t pull one back. He tipped a cross that was destined for the top right corner around the post before going at full stretch to finger an effort wide, a save which was handily missed by the referee with a goal kick being awarded and some first class time wasting following.

Potter entered the book on 68 minutes for a foul on the halfway line as he attempted to retrieve a ball that was scooting away from him after displaying the touch of a man who has featured heavily on the front of The Sun in the past week.

Ridley missed a glorious chance to wrap things up when he blazed over from a central position with all the time in the world and just the Worthing goalkeeper to beat. He could have also squared to Martindale who had come charging forward from right back and would have had a tap in. Martindale was livid at the time, although afterwards he thanked Ridley for not passing as it saved the embarrassment of an inevitable miss.

Gander had to produce a series of flying blocks in the final 10 minutes before Potter was lucky to escape a second yellow for a foul right on the edge of the box. The fact that he looked like he was going to burst into tears at the prospect of a red card is probably what saved Potter from that fate, the referee showing more mercy than the old lady had an hour or so earlier.

The resulting free kick was right on the edge of the box but thankfully the wall, much like the Fatboys defence, stayed strong to repel the danger for probably the Fatboys most impressive performance and result so far.

 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-4-2)

Scott McCarthy
Organised the defence well and made two good second half saves for a well deserved clean sheet. Some of his time wasting was very well thought out.
Matt Martindale
Despite being told/begged not to take set pieces, the captain’s delivery was spot on all morning to earn an assist. He defended resolutely too.
Andy Rumble
Had one very strange moment when he tried to catch the ball and hide it under his shirt in the first half. Other than that, superb.
Jason Gander
Lost nothing in the air and put in several key blocks and heavy tackles. He even had the confidence to dribble out of defence with the ball, something which struck fear into the hearts of his teammates.
Richard Coleman
Excellent debut at left back as he dealt with two tricky wingers very well. Took the incident on arrival with the pensioner in his stride.
Rhys Kearvill
Did such a job defensively that he suffered an asthma attack in the second half. His best performance yet.
Mark Potter
Cynical second half foul led to the first booking in Fatboys history. He did an important job defensively, which allowed Ridley to get forward.
Stuart Ridley
Is starting to make a name for himself with these volleys at the back post. Could have scored a second late in the game but blazed over in quite spectacular style.
Rob Lloyd
A solid if unspectacular performance on the left, where his main duties where to help Coleman out defensively. Showed a good understanding with the new signing.
Phil Standen
He was superb in holding the ball up, drawing constant fouls and bringing others into play. The two stone he’d gained overnight from the previous evening’s kebab proved to be a big help.
Dave Standing
First game up top in Fatboys colours and his goal was a well taken finish despite the farcical defending that presented the chance. A constant menace.

 

Subs

Daniel Lawrence
Found himself introduced on the right side once again. Had a testing battle with the Worthing left winger which he just about won.
Kevin Ward
Unused.

 

Goals

28′ Ridley, assist Martindale
39′ Standing, assist McCarthy

 

Cards

Yellow, Potter: Cynical foul as he attempted to chase down his first touch.

 

Man-of-the-Match

Matt Martindale was consistently vocal in his captains role and a rock at right back in a mightily impressive performance from the defence.