Coldean Honeybadgers 4-2 Hassocks Fatboys
Vic Bettney Memorial Trophy Second Round
Sunday 11th November 2012
Waterhall
The honey badger was named the most fearless animal in the world in the 2002 Guinness Book of World Records. Google it and you’ll see why. There are countless stories, photos and YouTube videos featuring these little bastards taking on hyenas, antelope, pythons, crocodiles and lions without a care in the world and usually winning.
There are even reports of man-eating honey badgers. In Iraq, locals reported that people were being attacked and eaten by honey badgers. In India, the animals are said to have gone into graveyards and dug up human corpses. You do not mess with a honey badger – unless you are Hassocks Fatboys.
In their first experience of the Vic Bettney Memorial Trophy, the Fatboys took on Coldean Honeybadgers at Waterhall. The Honeybadgers may be sitting in a comfortable mid table position in the division above the Fatboys, but Daniel Lawrence’s side who progressed to the quarter final thanks to a shock 4-2 victory. And with no humans present being eaten.
Playing in such a prestigious competition proved to be a real draw for the Fatboys players and Lawrence had many of his big guns available for selection as a result. Martyn Buxton and Stuart Hunter went straight back into the starting line up after missing the previous two weeks for very different reasons (Buxton – moving house; Hunter – caught a virus when falling into a lake night fishing and then his sister turned up unexpectedly from Newcastle at 2am in the morning) and Jason Pennicard was on the bench for the first time since the opening weekend of the season.
Stuart Ridley was unavailable with his official reason being a bad back. Ridley has recently acquired himself a new lady friend however, leading to a vicious rumour that he was actually picking her up from Brownie camp. In his absence, Dave Standing dropped back into midfield and ran the show – although even The Boy couldn’t prevent a horrific first half showing in which the Honeybadgers stormed into a 2-0 lead.
Both goals conceded were poor from a Fatboys point of view. A midfielder was allowed to run unchecked to the far post where he met a low cross with a convincing finish and around 15 minutes later, a wicked deflection through a crowd of players doubled the Honeybadgers’ advantage.
Some stern words were exchanged at half time. The Honeybadgers were essentially a team of students from one of the universities, and as such they had a huge crowd of fit females cheering them on. As somebody who probably won’t want to be named (it was Buxton) said, “Do we really want to play like a bunch of pricks in front of THEM?” These inspiring words from the captain did the trick, along with a switch from 3-5-2 to 4-4-2 in an attempt to help the Fatboys make the most of their possession. The Honeybadgers may have been leading, but it was the Fatboys who had enjoyed more of the ball.
The hosts had the chance to score a killer third within 10 minutes of the restart but Scott McCarthy pulled off a superb one-on-one save to ensure the Fatboys stayed in the tie. A succession of Buxton corners flashed frustratingly across the face of goal when only a touch was needed to turn the ball home. This riled Buxton up further; if one of his teammates could show an ounce of common sense, they would have made a run to the back post where there was an ocean of space for somebody to connect with one of the captain’s deliveries.
Luckily, Rhys Kearvill had been taking notes on the sidelines. Kearvill replaced Rob Lloyd on the hour mark and within six minutes, he had an assist to his name. Buxton sent across another superb corner which Kearvill collected at the back post, returning the ball back across goal for Mark Potter to smash home from close range.
Potter’s first goal of the season in September’s 2-1 win over Kingston Broadway had him running around like a loon shouting “10 MINUTES LEFT.” He must have read a book on how to celebrate over the course of the past two months, as this time he minced towards the crowd like a seasoned striker who had been scoring goals his whole life. And yet this was just his second ever in 11-a-side football – and once again missed by his girlfriend.
The goal scoring turn of Potter was all the more surprising given he had spent the previous day on the piss in Wolverhampton. So had Chris Martin, and you could certainly did in Martin’s case as he spent 70 minutes wandering around like a man who was set to go home and look up “Can you die from a hangover?” It was Martin’s withdrawal for Pennicard that helped spark a manic last 10 in which the Fatboys scored three times to turn the game on its head.
On 82 minutes, Hunter embarked on a powerful run down the right. He made it to the by-line and pulled back for Buxton to smash home his first goal in Fatboys colours after rampaging into the box from the opposite flank. It was a real captain’s goal and a timely moment for Buxton to get his first shot on target of the morning after what felt like 80 attempts.
The Honeybadgers were rattled and the game got a little heated. Kearvill was lucky to escape a card after he and the opposition’s left back began slapping each other’s hands in a homoerotic game of pat-a-cake. Kearvill’s sister Holly told him in no uncertain terms to let his football do the talking and he duly listened, delivering the 89th minute corner which Pennicard met with a perfectly guided header for 3-2.
Despite the fact there should have been just 60 seconds left, the game seemed to go on for another hour after Pennicard’s goal. Andy Rumble had time to go perilously close to the first own goal in Fatboys history when he took the decision to clear over his own cross bar with the ball mere millimetres away from going in. McCarthy had crocked his knee by this point so Jason Gander was on goal kick duty and two of his massive punts up the field sent Hunter clear. Hunter couldn’t quite get to the first before the Honeybadgers goalkeeper. For the second, he lifted his effort just over.
Those two chances seemed to inspire the Fatboys to push on in search of a fourth, never mind the fact that they were hanging onto a one-goal led against a team from the division above with seconds left. Richard Coleman at left back abandoned any defensive duties and McCarthy had to make two one-handed saves on the stretch – first when a Honeybadger player danced into the box and then when a quick corner found a free man in the box.
The Fatboys did add a fourth with the last kick of the game. A poor goal kick fell straight to the feet of Pennicard, who threaded the ball through for Hunter to chase. The Honeybadgers goalkeeper decided the best approach to the situation unfolding was to the channel the spirit of an actual honey badger and he sprinted miles out of his goal in an attempt to eat Hunter, leaving the Geordie to composedly lift the ball over the keeper’s head and into the unguarded net.
Hassocks Fatboys (3-5-2)
Scott McCarthy
Produced a vital save with the Fatboys 2-0 down to keep his side in it. There were two excellent one-handed saves in the closing stages too.
Andy Rumble
The highlight of his performance was coming close to scoring an own goal. Made a number of important blocks.
Matt Martindale
Resembled a young Franz Beckenbauer with the way he dictated play from sweeper in the first half. Confident on the ball when switched to right back in the second.
Jason Gander
His long balls forward out of defence were a real threat all morning. Didn’t lose a header.
Richard Coleman
Put in a number of first class deliveries from right lung back in the first half. Moved to left back in the second, where he seemed to forget he was a defender at times.
Dave Standing
Enjoyed the chance to showcase his play making abilities from midfield, particularly in the second half.
Mark Potter
Was asked to do the unfashionable defensive work to allow Standing to push on more – and yet he still managed to pop up with a goal.
Rob Lloyd
An uncharacteristically quiet performance as he failed to get into the game either in the middle of the park or out on the wing.
Martyn Buxton
Scored his first goal for the club with an energetic showing out on the left. A real captain’s performance.
Stuart Hunter
Given his first start since the opening day of the season after a number of curious Sunday morning withdrawals. Responded with an assist and a goal.
Chris Martin
Played like a man who had enjoyed himself watching Brighton away at Wolves the previous day. Had a couple of decent chances before being substituted just as started to sober up.
Subs
Rhys Kearvill
An eventful 30 minutes for the youngster after replacing Lloyd. Two assists, a spot of handbags and got told off by his sister.
Jason Pennicard
Showed his class by turning the game on its head when he came on, scoring and then claiming an assist in just 20 minutes on the pitch.
Daniel Lawrence
Unused.
Goals
66′ Potter, assist Kearvill
82′ Buxton, assist Hunter
89′ Pennicard, assist Kearvill
90+5′ Hunter, assist Pennicard
Man-of-the-Match
Both Rhys Kearvill and Jason Pennicard came on to change the game but it goes to Mark Potter for another goal scoring man-of-the-match performance that his girlfriend missed.