The Blades 6-5 Hassocks Fatboys

Sussex Sunday League Division Five
Sunday 18th November 2012
Northbrook Recreation Ground

 

There was only one candidate for Hassocks Fatboys man-of-the-match following the trip to Durrington to face The Blades. Dave Standing scored four times, was the best player on the pitch by a mile and yet still found himself on the losing side.

“I don’t want man-of-the-match,” Standing said afterwards. “We were shit.” It was hard to disagree with that statement. On any normal day, netting five times in 90 minutes should be enough to secure victory but the Fatboys were woeful at the opposite end, conceding six times to go down by a single goal in an 11-goal thriller. One that the neutral would have thoroughly enjoyed.

Sadly, there were no neutrals stupid enough to spend their morning watching a Sussex Sunday League Division Five game in Worthing. The only two spectators present were both in the Fatboys camp. One was Matt Martindale’s girlfriend, who looked much fresher than he did after they had spent their Saturday evening wine tasting. The other was Hayley Elphick, who completely lost the plot at The Blades’ linesman in the second half, which did at least provide one highlight on an otherwise miserable day.

The Fatboys started the game brightly, taking advantage of the biggest pitch that they’ve come across so far this season to play some uncharacteristic passing football. Martindale at right back in particular constantly demanded possession, his confidence on the ball no doubt being fired by the Châteauneuf-du-Pape still coursing through his veins.

That good start counted for nothing however when The Blades took the lead with 10 minutes played. Rob Lloyd nearly claimed it as his own as he turned a low cross goalwards, only for Scott McCarthy to keep it out with a reaction parry. Unfortunately, the loose ball fell straight to a home forward who smashed home to start a rapid period of scoring.

Within two minutes, it was 2-0. A switch of play from The Blades found a midfielder in the sort of space which you could park an Eddie Stobart lorry in. He threaded a ball through to a striker who although forced wide by McCarthy, was able to pull back across goal where there were no shortage of options as three Blades players had advanced unchecked into the area. One of them applied the finish.

Next it was the Fatboys turn to score twice in three minutes. Martyn Buxton found Stuart Hunter and his clever hold play released Standing to fire into the bottom corner. A long goal kick from McCarthy was then flicked on by Rhys Kearvill, possibly winning his first ever header in adult football. Somehow, the ball ended up hitting Hunter in the face and rebounding into the path of Standing whose shot from 25 yards went in via a post.

Hunter tried to claim that his assist off the nose was genuine, which was about as truthful as his excuse for missing the Sussex Med game last month of his sister unexpectedly turning up at his house at 2am on a Sunday morning from Newcastle. The Fatboys were grateful she didn’t make a repeat of that spontaneous 337 mile journey this week as Hunter was superb alongside Standing in attack.

Rallying from 2-0 down should have been the Fatboys’ cue to take the game by the scruff of the neck but just like George Osborne, they were unable to maintain the growth. The Blades went 3-2 ahead when last man Andy Rumble was turned by the striker who then slotted under McCarthy. A fourth arrived in near identical fashion to The Blades’ second as Rumble couldn’t quite foul an opponent who subsequently pulled back where another orderly queue had formed to convert.

A frustrating half came to a close with Mark Potter lucky to escape a yellow. Potter’s first touch had been to miscontrol and his second touch was to produce a sickening lunge in an attempt to recover from the first. Somehow, he talked himself out of a booking, something he has become very adept at in recent weeks it must be said.

There were plenty of voices heard in a heated half time team talk, including from Jason Gander who said every player had to up their game in the second half, himself included. Gander duly led by example in this regard by limping off the pitch five minutes after the restart with a hamstring problem. His place was taken by Ron Pennicard, making his first appearance since September but seemingly playing without boots as he took to the field in his trusty astro turfs from 1977.

McCarthy made a fine full stretch save at the expense of a corner as The Blades looked to take advantage of the changes in the Fatboys’ back four. 59-year-old Pennicard’s introduction however had a – brief – calming influence and it wasn’t long before Standing wrapped up his hat-trick, calmly skipping around the goalkeeper to roll into an empty net after being released by Hunter. Three goals for Standing, three assists for Hunter.

As the game had the 75 minute point, Kearvill began to flag out on the right and so father replaced son with John coming on for Rhys. This paid instant dividends was JK produced the sort of nonchalant flick that earned him the nickname ‘The Magician’ at Wivelsfield Green in his 1960s heyday. That set Lloyd away down the left, who manhandled the defender before crossing to Hunter to head home.

It didn’t stay 4-4 for long. The next goal in this crazy game went the way of The Blades. The Fatboys had regained possession from the restart with Richard Coleman deciding that a good course of action would be to try and attempt a 60 yard diagonal. This went badly wrong, The Blades won the ball and broke with purpose to tee up their striker for the goal of the game, a dipping volley hit on the turn which bounced in off the crossbar.

Buxton was the next player to put the ball in the back of the net, leading to the offside decision that sparked such a meltdown in the Fatboys ranks. Standing had threaded a ball out to the left flank which Buxton had quite clearly latched onto by running past Th Blades’ right back, meaning it was a physical impossibility for him to have been offside.

Not that this mattered to the linesman, who raised his flag anyway to deny Buxton a perfectly legitimate goal. To make matters worse, the referee chalked off the effort before spending the next five minutes explaining the offside rule to the linesman so he wouldn’t get it wrong next time. Not particularly helpful in the 85th minute and Hayley certainly let the officials know her opinion on matters by screaming like a banshee.

The Fatboys were determined not to be deterred by that blatant piece of gamesmanship and continued to search for an equaliser. Buxton fired into the side netting followed by a cry of anguish. Noises reminiscent of a dying dinosaur from the Fatboys captain were replaced by unbridled joy moments later when he pulled back to Standing who finished with aplomb to make it 5-5 180 seconds left on the clock.

In keeping with a madcap 90 minutes, the scoring still wasn’t done there. With grim predictability, it was The Blades who fashioned a way to find an injury time winner as a long free kick into the box was glanced past the despairing dive of McCarthy to make it 6-5 with the last play of the game.

 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-4-2)

Scott McCarthy
Not a good morning for the goalkeeper as he picked the ball out of the net six times.
Matt Martindale
Took advantage of the huge pitch by constantly demanding the ball. Ranked the La Vieille Ferme Rouge as his favourite wine from the previous evening.
Andy Rumble
Turned a little too easily for two of the goals, although he was battling with a knee injury throughout most of the morning.
Jason Gander
Said before the game that his lack of pace might be a problem on such a big pitch and he didn’t disappoint in that regard. A hamstring injury ended his morning prematurely.
Richard Coleman
His poor cross field pass led to The Blades’ fifth. Other than that, he had a decent shift at left back.
Rhys Kearvill
One clever first half flick on player a part in a goal. His teammates struggled to get him into the game otherwise.
Mark Potter
A rare off day for the midfielder after some consistently good performances over recent weeks. Lucky not to be booked.
Rob Lloyd
Struggled in the first half in the centre of midfield alongside Potter. Looked a lot better in the second when his strength and crossing ability teed up Hunter.
Martyn Buxton
Grew into the game as it went on, including in the last 15 minutes when he set up Standing and saw a perfectly good goal disallowed. Made some excellent noises in response to that setback.
Stuart Hunter
Superb up front. He set up three of Standing’s four goals and notched one himself. On any other day, he would have been a clear man-of-the-match winner.
Dave Standing
First Fatboy to score a hat-trick in a competitive game with his four goal haul. Deserved not to be on the losing side.

 

Subs

Ron Pennicard
Marked his comeback from injury with a calm and assured showing at centre back. Still needs to invest in some actual studs.
John Kearvill
The self-styled magician produced one moment of brilliance to send Lloyd away in the buildup to the Fatboys’ fourth. “It’s what JK does” he said in the Club afterwards.
Daniel Lawrence
Unused.

 

Man-of-the-Match

He said he didn’t want it because of the defeat but it has to go to Dave Standing for his four goal haul. Stuart Hunter was a close second.