Hassocks Fatboys 4-2 Lindfield Reserves

 

The run continues. Not content with having won their opening two games of pre-season for the first ever time, Hassocks Fatboys made it three from three with another victory.

Goals from Joe Brockes, Andy Brown, Dave Keane and Ryan John secured a comfortable 4-2 success over Lindfield Reserves, the second successive year that the Fatboys have seen off the Swans second string.

There was a real buzz of excitement around Ardingly College before the game. Sunday’s excellent B2116 Derby win over Pink Flamingos had given everyone at the Fatboys a real boost, and it was arguably an even stronger side here taking on Lindfield.

The most notable of the returnees was Jake Philpott, playing his first game for the club since 2016. Since then, Philpott has had a child, moved house four times and invented seven new languages which nobody other than Dave Keane can understand.

He doesn’t seem to have lost any of his footballing ability however, pulling the strings from a holding midfield role here alongside Andy Brown and Jack Lewis. The other eye catching selection was Ryan Collins being trialled at centre back alongside Jason Gander.

Pace and footballing ability is something that the Fatboys have been sorely lacking at the back in recent times, something that Collins addressed excellently here. It even allowed Gander to play a slightly higher line, meaning that he felt confident enough to be a full five yards away from the edge of the Fatboys penalty area for most of the game.

It was an extensive warm up for the Fatboys in which only three footballs were lost, causing Reece Wickwar to have another panic attack. That sloppiness in terms of shooting practice carried itself into the game, with the hosts giving the ball away on an alarming number of occasions inside of the first 10 minutes.

Thankfully for the Fatboys, Lindfield weren’t able to do much with it as the back four of Rob Lloyd, Gander, Collins and Gary Whittington mopped most things up with ease. Going forward, it became readily apparent early on that Keane had the beating of the Swans left back and that was where the first real chance of the game came from.

Philpott had released Keane down the right hand side but he still had plenty to do when pacing past his man and delivering to the far post. John was lurking there in a manner he has honed well from many years of hiding in the bushes outside on innocent girls houses and the only thing that could keep his header out was an unreal save from the Lindfield goalkeeper, who scampered across goal to somehow block John’s effort.

There was little that the keeper could do when Joe Brockes gave the Fatboys the lead with around 15 minutes played. Some lovely football down the left involving John, Lewis and Andy Brown saw the Goblin played in on goal and he calmly stroked the ball into the bottom corner for his first goal of the season.

The Fatboys nearly had their first own goal of the season shortly after, Lloyd doing just about enough to deflect an effort over the bar although it was close enough to cause some severe anxiety to the full back. One seasoned observer said he hadn’t seen Lloyd so panicked since 5pm that afternoon following another damning report of the Brexit negotiations.

Brexit is still unfortunately happening and even more unfortunately, it’s at that point that this report comes to a premature end. From the resulting corner, your reporter was caught in the head by Alex Ternouth of all people when punching clear.

That means that I can only tell you that the vending machine in Princess Royal Accident and Emergency leaves a lot to be desired, and that the department has been redecorated since I last visited in 2011 after drunkenly collapsing into a brick wall and smashing my head open.

Five stitches on the inside of the gash, five on the outside and a mild concussion were the result. As for the football, 22-year-old reserve team goalkeeper Nick Jones came on and duly got lobbed. Jones in particular was extremely put out by the turn of events, given he’d said before the game “I’ll only come on once you’ve conceded or if we’re losing.” Sorry, Nick.

The Fatboys added three more goals of their own, starting with Brown who was assisted by Brockes in a reversal of the opener. Lewis teed up Keane for the third and John took advantage of a goalkeeping error to claim the fourth. Keane realiably informs me he was so good that the Lindfield left back has taken early retirement while John’s anger management every time something went wrong (which was quite a lot) was an absolute joy to behold apparently.

No player ratings I’m afraid, but 9/10 for Nurse Lucy who stitched me up.
 

FATBOYS (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Rob Lloyd
Ryan Collins
Jason Gander
Gary Whittington
Jack Lewis
Jake Philpott
Andy Brown
Dave Keane
Ryan John
Joe Brockes
 

SUBS

Jordan Walsh
Reece Wickwar
Nick Jones
 

GOALS

Brockes, assist Brown.
Brown, assist Brockes.
Keane, assist Lewis.
John, assist Brown.