Hassocks Fatboys 6-0 Kemp Town
It’s been sometime since Hassocks Fatboys scored so many goals that it made the match report a right bastard to write.
Of more pressing concern over the last two seasons has been accurately describing how the oppositions strikes had gone in. When you concede 195 goals in the space of 24 months, they tend to merge into one.
Trying to remember how goals have been scored is a much nicer problem to have, especially when it means not knowing if Stuart Brown got an assist and being able to give it to someone else instead. On this occasion, the Fatboys scored six unanswered times for their biggest win in three-and-a-half years. They kept their first clean sheet for two-and-a-half years. That came against Kemp Town in February 2016 and it was the same opponents who were convincingly vanquished this time at Clayton Rec.
Seasoned Fatboys observers will recall some fierce battles with Kemp Town in the club’s Division Three title winning season. Nothing could separate the sides that year, with both games ending in draws, 2-2 at Waterhall and 4-4 draw at East Brighton Park. It looked like a similar story could be on the cards in this one after an even opening 10 minutes in which Kemp Town actually had two glorious opportunities to score.
Firstly, Scott McCarthy made an excellent tackle outside of his box to deny a one-on-one and then a deep cross from the left was met with a free header that was just off target. At that stage, a difficult morning appeared in store.
Nerves were settled however when the Fatboys took the lead somewhat against the run of play. Jack Lewis surprised everything by closing the opposition down without committing some sort of horrific foul and his pressing paid dividends as he won back possession for the greens and played in Andy Brown.
Brown could’ve chosen to pass the ball right to Dave Keane who’d have been left with an easy finish but the Fatboys captain was clearly still upset with Keane for not playing the previous week in favour of going to the o2 to watch some comedy thing with a GIRL. As a result, Brown went it alone and jinked his way past the two defenders standing between him and the goal before slipping the ball past the Kemp Town goalkeeper.
Five minutes later and it was the other Brown who notched his first goal of the season. Keane was the architect of this one, flying past his full back like any good duck would and delivering a cross to the far post where Stuart was lurking. The mercurial forward took a touch, cut back and then smashed an effort into the top corner to double the advantage.
As was the case in last weeks win over Pevensey & Westham, the Fatboys then squandered a succession of chances at one end and did their best to give away a number of opportunities at the other. Chris Britton in particular was enjoying himself back there, one over hit back pass sending McCarthy sprinting across the width of the pitch while shouting “I’m not Usain Bolt, Chris”. Jason Gander remarkably did not get in on the act, instead preferring to put in some first class blocks and lunges while Jon Ballantyne and Rob Lloyd in the full back positions bombed forward at every opportunity.
The third goal came from Keane and was, despite him claiming it was deliberate, a cross. One Kemp Town defender got into a right muddle to give the ball straight to Keane who headed towards the byline and then tried to deliver to the back post, where the ball simply dropped in over the head of the goalkeeper.
3-0 ahead with only 30 minutes played, the Fatboys took the opportunity afforded by rolling subs to give everybody game time. On came Ryan “I’m too angry to be a centre back” John at centre back and he promptly showed why he is too angry to be a centre back by producing a masterful two footed stamp challenge which on another day could’ve resulted in a card.
Other than that little indiscretion and one moment when he completely lost his mind with the referee for having the nerve to award a free kick against him for handball, John was actually a revelation in defence. Another revelation was debutant Jamie Wilkes who offered the sort of energy in midfield that has long since abandoned the Fatboys since we all hit out mid 20s and are no longer able to play effectively while hungover.
Those changes seemed to result in something of a lull in proceedings and the Fatboys had to wait until the 52nd minute to add goal number four, Jordan Walsh getting in on the act when Keane crossed and Walsh used the superb Jonny Bravo quiff he is currently sporting to hair home the ball.
Is hair home a footballing technical term? It seems unlikely and it’s certainly one that has never featured prominently in the Fatboys lexicon before given the number of shiny bonces throughout both the first and reserves squads.
Speaking of shiny bonces, it was one of the many bald members of the Fatboys flock who set up number five. Lloyd was bringing to right back the sort of stellar performance sorely lacking in the Department for Exiting the European Union, and he produced a beautiful ball up the line which set Keane away to beat the goalkeeper for his second of the morning.
Lloyd took the captains armband shortly after that for the first time in his career, a just reward for another fine performance. What wasn’t fine was what happened next for the Fatboys, as Keane went down in the box to earn a penalty.
Walsh had been awarded the dubious honour of taking the worst penalty in footballing history last week but he didn’t have the crown for very long as Keane sportingly passed the ball back to the goalkeeper, much to the disgust of Jake Philpott who described the penalty to the Mid Sussex Times afterwards as being “fucking shit”.
Despite Keane’s miss, the Fatboys didn’t have long to wait for their sixth as Wilkes marked his debut with a goal, tapping home the rebound after a Joe Brockes shot had been parried away by the goalkeeper.
Brockes had an interesting mornings work as he also found himself in the unfamiliar position of being last man when defending a free kick. This did not go particularly well, Brockes shouting “JOE’S UP……NO HE AIN’T” as the ball sailed straight over his head and to the Kemp Town forward. Luckily, said striker was as bemused as Brockes at that turn of events and cocked up his effort as a result.
Brockes wasn’t the only one having a funny turn as Britton then managed the seemingly impossible by giving an even worse back pass than his one in the first half. This one effectively became an excellent through ball that we can which led to a one-on-one. Luckily McCarthy was alert and turned the resulting shot around the post.
One man was covering himself in glory at the back and it wasn’t who you might expect. Dave Linehan had never played at left back before yet he did a grand job in the second half, reading the game superbly and using his armoury of stepovers to good effect. It looks as though the Fatboys may have accidentally stumbled across another defensive option.
Someone who clearly doesn’t want to be a defensive option on the other hand is Philpott. When he realised late on that he might have to do some tracking back and defending to go with pulling the strings in midfield, he suddenly began grabbing his leg and hobbling around with a cheeky grin on his face. That meant he got to sit out the last 10 minutes but the game was over long before then with the Fatboys remembering what it feels like to dish out a hammering for the first time in an age.
FATBOYS 4-3-3
Scott McCarthy
Two good one-on-one stops in either half. Other than that, his quietest game for some time was rewarded with an extremely rare clean sheet.
Rob Lloyd
His superlative start to the season continues, even claiming an assist from right back. Was deservedly given the captains armband when Brown, Gander and Walsh were withdrawn.
Jason Gander
A solid 45 minutes in which nothing got past him before he was withdrawn at half time. Bigger tests lie ahead.
Chris Britton
Played two absolutely woeful back passes which added a real sense of entertainment to the tie. Otherwise was his normal defensive self, hacking everything away with his left foot.
Jon Ballantyne
Came in for his first start of the season despite being absolutely hammered. Given that fact, it was a surprisingly solid outing.
Andy Brown
Opened the scoring with a beautifully taken goal in which he danced past a couple of defenders. Came off at half time with his work done.
Jake Philpott
Always wanted the ball again and got his side moving. His “injury” when being asked to track back was a stroke of genius.
Jack Lewis
Managed to complete a half of football without giving away a foul. His work rate was second to none and it was that which earned him the assist for Brown’s opener.
Dave Keane
First league appearance for 18 months and he marked it with two goals and two assists. The Duck was very much back in the pond.
Jordan Walsh
Only got the one this week but another hard working performance up front. On another day and against a lesser goalkeeper, he could’ve had another hat-trick.
Stuart Brown
Scored his first goal of the season before coming off. Had no shame in standing on the sidelines topless with his sizeable gut on display despite their being a large number of children around waiting to use the pitch after our game.
SUBS
Dave Linehan
Didn’t put a foot wrong at the back. The Fatboys may have accidentally stumbled across another defensive option on this showing.
Ryan John
Bar a funny five minutes in which he attempted to stamp someones foot off and then went berserk after producing a brilliant hand ball, he was excellent in defence. “A young Franz Beckenbauer” as he modestly described himself.
Jame Wilkes
Encouraging debut from the youngster who showed some good touches, notched a goal and further endeared himself to his new team mates by revealing he’s been blocked on Twitter by Lord Sugar for threatening to carry out sexual acts on The Apprentice star’s cat.
Joe Brockes
Unlucky not to score when the keeper pulled off a good save but that did get him an assist for Wilkes’ goal. Some interesting defending thrown in for good measure.
GOALS
12′ A Brown, assist Lewis.
17′ S Brown, assist Keane.
32′ Keane, assist defender.
52′ Walsh, assist Keane.
58′ Keane, assist Lloyd.
74′ Wilkes, assist Brockes.
MAN OF THE MATCH
Ryan John was excellent at the back, Rob Lloyd was colossal throughout but it was Dave Keane who claimed two goals and two assists.