Physics Athletico 5-2 Hassocks Fatboys

 

When the constitution for Sussex Sunday League Division One was released ahead of the 2018-19 season, two away games instantly stood out as being troublesome for Hassocks Fatboys.

The first of those was Pevensey & Westham. Nobody realistically wants to spend a Sunday morning driving to Eastbourne, where people normally only go to die. The second was Physics Athletico who were the Fatboys opponents on this occasion, meaning the third game of the season would feature a lovely jaunt to Seaford.

According to TripAdvisor, the top things to do in Seaford include visiting Cupani Garden which is literally somebodies back garden in a residential property in Sandgate Close. If visiting Doris and John at number eight doesn’t tickle your trout, then you could take a trip to the Seaford Museum or popular tanning studio Sunbed Station which it actually turns out is in Newhaven.

Unsurprisingly given all that glamour, a large number of the Fatboys squad were mysteriously injured or unavailable for the game against Physics. Jake Philpott had picked up a back injury in the week (Seaford Back); Stuart Brown had a toe problem (Seaford Toe); John Humphrey was out with a thigh strain (Seaford Thigh), Dave Keane, Jack Lewis and Dave Linehan were all on holiday (Seaford Holiday); Jason Gander was working (Seaford Working); Ryan Collins refused point blank to reply to any messages (Seaford No Signal) and Jamie Wilkes didn’t get in until 8am Sunday morning and as such was fast asleep (Seaford Hangover).

That meant a bare 12 made the long journey east and the Fatboys only managed to field that number after dipping into the reserves for the services of Stuart Young and Nick Davie. It would be a particularly eventful morning for Davie, which we’ll come to in just a bit.

Having written that earlier paragraph about the sights and sounds of Seaford, there was actually one landmark which put the travelling Fatboys in a joyous mood on arrival. It was spotted by Joe Brockes and was a bloody great chalk horse that has been carved into the side of a hill. Despite the fact it was only a piece of art, it still stood a better chance of winning the 3.05 at Wolverhampton than the infamous mare named Pantomime, who several of the Fatboys squad invested a significant four figure sum into purchasing a share of last year only for her to never run.

The mere mention of Pantomime is very apt as her racing career could perfectly describe the Fatboys performance against Physcis as they never really got running, understandable given the circumstances. Physics were a very good outfit and they dominated the first half but only had one goal to show for it which came early on.

Young showed why his right foot is an object less used than Greg Wallace’s comb when he produced a vicious air kick that allowed the Physics left winger to skip away to the byline from where he crossed for the striker to sweep home for 1-0.

Ryan John had already been booked by that point, doing his best to maintain his stance that he shouldn’t play centre back because he gets too angry. He’d produced one horror tackle inside of five minutes and then gone through another man inside of 10. At that point, it looked like it would be a competition to see whether he could get sent off before his defensive partner Gary Whittington got injured. Remarkably, not only did they end up lasting the 90 minutes but both also claimed assists in the second half.

Other Physics chances in that opening 45 minutes saw Scott McCarthy make an excellent reaction save from a close range header and then turn away a cross that was dipping in at the back post while John and Rob Lloyd pulled off fine blocks and Jon Ballantyne headed one away of the line. It was a miracle that Ballantyne hadn’t been murdered in the warm up by a gang of angry locals given that he managed to hit a moving Audi, three parked cars and a bedroom window with wayward shots.

With 10 minutes of the first half remaining, the Fatboys were dealt a severe blow when McCarthy managed to injure himself walking up to take a goal kick. The goalkeeper struggled through to the interval but it was clear at that point he wouldn’t be able to carry on, which begged the question of who should go in goal?

By now, Davie was rather sheepishly hiding in a corner. He’d had an impressive cameo in between the sticks in pre-season for the reserves in their 4-3 defeat against Cuckfield Town Reserves and that was enough to convince McCarthy to hand him the gloves. To be fair to Davie, he took the decision incredibly well and actually went on to have an outstanding game in goal which was enough to earn him the man-of-the-match award.

His first save was his best and arrived within minutes of the restart when he tipped over a header from a corner at full stretch. Davie’s personal highlight though came midway through the half when he made an excellent stop from Ross Sutton. He’s had a weird obsession with Sutton ever since the striker managed to score a hat-trick inside of 90 seconds against the Fatboys for Peacehaven DPA two seasons ago, and saving a shot from his idol really did make Davie’s day.

There had been two more goals by that point in proceedings. The first went to Physics, another well worked move which ended with the ball being trickled past Davie and into the bottom corner for 2-0. That spurred the Fatboys on and their best period of the game followed as they dominated the next 20 minutes, helped by the decision to abandon 4-3-3 in favour of 4-4-2.

That saw John move up front to partner Jordan Walsh and it was John who set up the Fatboys first of the morning, outpacing a Physics defender down the right and cutting back to captain Andy Brown on the edge of the box who fired into the top corner. It was a remarkably calm finish from a man who had turned up covered in sick and would go onto be sick on another two occasions on the journey home.

The Fatboys equalised shortly after that. A long throw from Whittington caused absolute carnage in the box with Chris Britton, John and Brown all swinging legs at it before the ball eventually fell to Laurence Ridgewell who calmly volleyed in through the crowd to mark his first appearance of the season for the first team with a deserved goal for his efforts in playing out of position in central midfield.

Physics were rattled at this point and it was the Fatboys in the ascendancy. Brockes drew a stunning one handed save from the Physics goalkeeper with an effort from 25 yards and from the resulting corner, Brown hit a volley against the post. Had either of those gone in, it may well have been a very different game. As it was, Physics swept straight up the other end where their midfielder scored an absolute stunner, curling the ball into the top corner from the edge of the box.

That goal was a real sucker punch and although the Physics goalkeeper made two more good saves from Walsh and Brown, the Fatboys were beginning to run out of steam as the half wore on. The hosts took full advantage, adding a fourth with a rocket from a full 30 yards that was even better than their third goal and then taking advantage of the Fatboys tiring legs as a midfielder rode several challenges and squared to the striker to tap in.

Davie made several impressive saves late on while his kicking was unreal. For a club used to the haphazard distribution of McCarthy and Nick Jones, a goalkeeper who could call a players name and get the ball to within 20 yards of him was a real treat.

It was about the only real treat by the time the full time whistle blew as Physics had a deserved victory, their first of the season. The Fatboys meanwhile will be hoping that some of their injuries clear up for next weeks home game against AFC 2015 Reserves. “Clayton Back”, “Clayton Toe” and “Clayton Thigh” don’t quite have the same ring to them, after all.
 

FATBOYS 4-2-1-3

Scott McCarthy
Lasted a half before succumbing to a calf problem. Pulled off three decent stops in that time and there was little he could do about the goal.
Jon Ballantyne
Managed to hit three different cars and a bedroom window in the warm up. Put in some important blocks and got better the more he sobered up.
Ryan John
Was a walking crime spree for the first 10 minutes. Settled down after that and caused real problems when moved up front in the second half, assisting Brown’s goal.
Gary Whittington
Completed 90 minutes against all the odds. Claimed an assist when his long throw caused chaos in the box and he defended stoutly for the whole time he was able to move.
Stuart Young
Air kick aside, it was another good showing at left back for the reserve team man. Put in plenty of lung bursting runs in the second half to get forward and support Britton.
Rob Lloyd
Showed his versatility by playing in midfield rather than his normal full back berth. Admitted afterwards to being surprised he got through the 90 minutes without being sick.
Laurence Ridgewell
Asked to do a job in midfield and he certainly did that, scoring his second goal for the club. Didn’t lose a header all morning which was remarkable given that Physics were a team of giants.
Andy Brown
Played in the hole behind the front three in part to reduce the amount of running he had to do and with it the chances of him being sick. Notched another goal.
Joe Brockes
Not his best game but he was only denied a brilliant distance goal by an even better save. Took some good corners once he’d failed to beat the first men with his first five attempts.
Jordan Walsh
A frustrating morning for the striker as he failed to score for the first time this season. He did draw a fine save from the goalkeeper in the second half and never gave up.
Chris Britton
Wasn’t too impressed by the referees performance. He managed to get through this week without producing an air kick or any moments of horror and offered plenty of pace down the left.
 

Subs

Nick Davie
Did the job nobody else wanted to do by taking over in goal from the injured McCarthy. Pulled off three really good saves to earn his first ever first team man-of-the-match award along the way.
 

Goals

59′ A Brown, assist John.
65′ Ridgewell, assist Whittington.
 

Bookings

15′ John, a one man crime spree for the opening 15 minutes.
 

Man of the Match

He may have only played for a half, but it has to be Nick Davie for taking on the goalkeeping challenge and making some impressive saves along the way.