Hassocks Fatboys 6-5 Queens Park
“If we’d have thrown away a five goal lead, I’d probably have retired on the spot.”
So said Andy Brown in the aftermath of Hassocks Fatboys chaotic 6-5 Roy Terrington Trophy win over Queens Park. Having led 6-1 win 20 minutes to play, the Fatboys come perilously close to losing their captain.
It’s difficult to know where to start with this. The Fatboys were seemingly cruising into the next round of the competition with an eye-catching hammering of Premier Division opponents in the bag when things fell apart quicker than Brett Kavanaugh following a woman up the stairs at a house party.
The first 45 minutes was arguably the best half of football the Fatboys have played this season. Last season’s two top flight meetings between these two ended 1-1 and 2-1 to the Greens, yet here Queens Park weren’t able to live with the hosts as they went into the break 4-1 ahead and cruising really.
You’d have got long odds on that being the case based on the first 30 seconds of the game. Before kick off, Jake Philpott had called, “Bert, it’s coming to you” and he duly knocked the ball back to Rob Lloyd at right back.
Lloyd however was more startled by this development than he is by planning for a no deal Brexit and, despite the warning, the ball went straight under his foot and out for a throw. From said throw, two men were left free and Queens Park managed to work the ball down the line for a half chance.
The visitors probably thought they were in for an easy morning after that shambolic start. That was until Jordan Walsh gave the Fatboys with five minutes on the clock.
The opener owed a lot to some spectacularly terrible defending when defender and goalkeeper got into a right muddle from a Jake Philpott pass over the top, leaving Walsh to calmly lob over the stranded Queens Park number one.
That was a good start to Philpott’s first game for two weeks. The influential midfielder has been out with a back related problem, becoming in the process the first human under the age of 30 to be diagnosed with sciatica in the developed world since children chimney sweeping was made illegal.
The lead was short lived as virtually straight from kick off, Queens Park went up the other end and scored. It was a disappointing concede from a Fatboys point of view. 46-year-old John Humphrey’s attempt to commit a foul was even less convincing than his acting in last week’s 8-2 win over AFC 2015 Reserves and his centre back partner Jon Ballantyne got dragged all over the place; the result being a simple passing move that festered a one-on-one chance which was slotted underneath Scott McCarthy.
Stuart Brown soon put the Fatboys back ahead with, as much as we hate to admit it, a real candidate for Goal of the Season. The move started with Dave Linehan pinging a ball crossfield from left back to Dave Keane out on the right.
Keane beat his man with ease and crossed to the edge of the box, where Stuart had timed his run to perfection to hit a stunning shot straight into the top corner. “You can post my goal of the season award to Australia,” the mercurial striker said afterwards. Please, for the love of God, somebody score a better goal than that at some point in the next six months.
Stuart followed up his Goal of the Season contender with a contender for Miss of the Season about five minutes later. Walsh and Andy Brown had done well to carve open the Queens Park defence to leave Stuart with the simple task of rolling the ball past the keeper from two yards out. Remarkably, he managed to put his effort wide, much to the disgust of Ballantyne who screamed “YOU HELMET”, seemingly having learned nothing about his use of disgusting language after being sinbinned for his use of the phrase “madman” the previous week.
McCarthy made a decent stop low down to his left after that but was rarely troubled in the remainder of the first half as the defence and Jack Lewis in the shielding role did an excellent job of protecting their goalkeeper who was again struggling with a calf complaint.
There were two more Fatboys goals before the break. The first came when Andy Brown played in Walsh and he rounded the goalkeeper to score. This was despite some fantastically optimistic appeals from Queens Park that the ball had actually gone wide and trickled in through a hole in the net.
Keane added the second to make it 4-1 with the last kick of the half when he picked up a reverse pass from Stuart Brown and slotted home. In a quite brilliant moment of attention seeking from the referee, he made everyone head back to their positions for the restart, only to then blow the whistle for half time without the game actually kicking off again.
Former Fatboys club captain, the great Martyn Buxton once said, “I’ve got some porn on my phone of Jennifer Lawrence, want to see it?” He also once said, “No lead is a a safe lead in Sunday League.” That was the message left ringing in the ears of the team as they headed out for the second half, and they duly spent the first 15 minutes adding to the advantage.
Stuart Brown scored a goal nearly as good as his first when he collected a ball down the line from Linehan, cut inside around a couple of men and bent an effort into the top corner.
Keane added the sixth with a trademark finish after he was sent away by Andy Brown, at which point the Fatboys made a double change. Reserve team left back Stuart Young came on for Andy Brown with Linehan moving into midfield and Calum Cannon replaced Stuart Brown. This was a competitive debut for Cannon, only the five years after he first signed for the club.
Queens Park pulled one back with a rocket from the edge of the box for 6-2 and then with 20 minutes remaining the Fatboys suffered a double injury blow. Lewis was forced off with a back problem while McCarthy’s calf went again after he’d clawed a cross out of the top corner.
Luckily, there was no reserve game this week and so 22-year-old goalkeeper Nick Jones was on the Fatboys bench in order to pick up some more experience. Jones found himself thrust into the spotlight here and he’s asked us not to report on what happened next, so we won’t mention the three goals that flowed in, including the one that saw him get lobbed from a header on his line after he “jumped too early”.
In fairness to Jones, there was little he could do about the other two. The first came about after some poor defending allowed a shot which trickled in and the next one was a penalty awarded after Young quite clearly won the ball in the box. Jones did then prevent the tie going to penalties, making a brilliant one-on-one save with his young face in the closing stages.
Had that gone in, it’s pretty likely Queens Park would’ve gone onto win the game either in the final five minutes or via penalty as they had all the momentum. Had that happened, the Fatboys would’ve been out of the Roy Terrington Trophy and looking for a new captain. Thank Christ it didn’t.
FATBOYS 4-3-3
Scott McCarthy
One solid stop in the first half and also did well to claw a cross out the top corner, at which point he hobbled off for the third game in succession.
Rob Lloyd
Not his best game but was unique in that as his team mates slowly got worse as the game went on, he instead improved. The lack of control from kick off was superb.
John Humphrey
Attempts at a foul to prevent the opening Queens Park goal were woeful, but the 46-year-old otherwise had a solid game. Did not seem to appreciate the lack of marking of the number five.
Jon Ballantyne
No sinbin for the defender this week who was moved across to play at centre back. Did a decent job of covering around the back with a couple of good last ditch tackles.
Dave Linehan
Looked very bronze after his recent holiday and returned to the side in a new role at left back. Got his side playing out from the back and played a part in both the Fatboys’ third and fourth goals.
Andy Brown
Said he’d retire if we’d have blown a five goal lead. His two assists went a long way to ensuring the Fatboys aren’t now scrambling to replace him.
Jack Lewis
Another all-action display. His importance to the team was evidenced by the alarming way in which the men in green collapsed once he’d gone off with a back injury.
Jake Philpott
Marked his return to the side after two weeks out by claiming an assist within five minutes. Struck up a great friendship with the long haired Queens Park midfielder.
Dave Keane
Two more goals and another assist. Gave the Queens Park starting left back such a torrid time that he was substituted within 30 minutes.
Jordan Walsh
The goals show no sign of drying up for the Fatboys’ top scorer as he moved onto 10 for the season. Stuart Brown’s record of 28 in a single season could well be broken if he carries on like this.
Stuart Brown
His best performance of the season in arguably his worst state. He was picked up from “a house in Cuckfield, I’m not sure whose” at 9.30am and went onto net two goal of the season candidates.
SUBS
Calum Cannon
Finally made his debut over five years after first signing for the club. Created a couple of opportunities from a lively 30 minutes, even if it took him 20 of those for his first touch of the ball.
Stuart Young
“It was a 5-0 loss with me on the pitch,” the left back said afterwards. Produced one of the best tackles you’ll ever see which was remarkably given as a penalty against him.
Nick Jones
Came on in a difficult moment with his side under pressure. May have conceded three times, but he also pulled off a superb save from a one-on-one late on.
GOALS
05′ Walsh, assist Philpott
31′ S Brown, assist Keane
41′ Walsh, assist A Brown
45′ Keane, assist S Brown
51′ S Brown, assist Linehan
57′ Keane, assist A Brown
MAN OF THE MATCH
Dave Linehan was excellent at left back and Jake Philpott did plenty of good things in midfield but unfortunately, it goes to Stuart Brown for two goals and an assist. A remarkable performance given he didn’t know where he was at 9am that morning.