Hassocks Fatboys 1-8 Castle Sports (EIGHT)

 

When Hassocks Fatboys were relegated from the Premier Division at the end of last season, it was one of the best days in Fatboys history. No more chasing around players who were far better than us, no more seeing a side doing a warm up with cones and things while we had to ask to borrow a ball and no more absolute hammerings. Or so we thought.

That was until Castle Sports came along. The Fatboys had defeated the Division One leaders 5-3 just four weeks previously, yet here it wasn’t just a case of the boot being on the other foot – it was more a case of the whole bloody leg being on the other body as the Green Army crashed out the Ron Pavey Bowl in spectacular style with an 8-1 defeat.

It’s difficult to know where to start with this one. Certainly, the Fatboys desperation to play the game didn’t help, the 3G surface at Downlands hired because Clayton was deemed waterlogged played into the hands of a side who passed the ball around delightfully.

They had a midfielder who – in a throwback to the Premier Division days – the Fatboys couldn’t get near. Ryan Warwick was his name and he ended the game with four goals and a virtuoso performance in the centre of the park. A game two days before Christmas seemed to leave the Fatboys lacklustre; while Castle covered every little blade of plastic and every little cancerous black ball, the hosts work rate was probably 50% of their visitors, and that is being generous.

The first two Castle goals came inside the first 17 minutes and both were from individual mistakes which could have been easily avoided. Even at 2-0 down, the Fatboys would have fancied their chances of getting back into the game but then captain Andy Brown saw red and that was that.

There’s no sugar coating it, this was an absolute horror tackle. The reaction of the Fatboys squad afterwards told it’s own story, with descriptions being bandied around such as:

“The worst tackle I’ve ever seen” – Rob Lloyd
“I thought the guy would need his leg amputated” – Jordan Walsh
“An absolute disgrace” – Stuart Brown
“< Comment about 9/11 which can't be repeated >“ – N/A
“I’m quite glad Andy did that as it took away from the fact I gave away the second goal” – Chris Britton

Essentially, what happened is that Brown got tackled from behind in what was undoubtedly a foul. In an attempt to win the ball back, he launched himself 20 feet into the air and two footed the innocent Castle player who had been unfortunate enough to pick up possession. It was like watching Ryu from Street Fighter decapitate someone. In fact, it was worse.

Needless to say, this sparked some wonderful handbags with the Castle manager running on the pitch to throw a ball in Brown’s face, the keeper sprinting 40 yards to throw in his twopence worth and Jack Lewis remarkably got booked for trying to stick up for Brown, which was rather like being Fred and Rose West’s defence lawyer.

Worse was to come after Brown departed proceedings. From the resulting free kick, nobody dealt with the long ball into the box and a Castle player was free to steal in and make it 3-0. The Fatboys did have chances to pull one back, Walsh drawing an excellent stop from the goalkeeper, Stuart Brown going close and a couple of Dave Keane corners coming to nothing.

Castle added a fourth just before half time and despite a little bit of sniping on the way off the pitch, spirits were restored at the break as Jamie Wilkes told a few jokes at the expense of Brown and Nick Davie inexplicably turned up to watch wearing a suit and waistcoat. There were some tactical adjustments as well as Ananda Hoque came on for Keane, Dan Turner pushed into midfield and Rob Lloyd was replaced by Alex Ternouth.

This was Ternouth’s first appearance for the front side since he broke his leg in March 2017, a long rehabilitation process being followed by four appearances for the reserves last season as he helped them reach the Junior Invitational Cup Final. It took Ternouth all of 15 seconds to get into his groove, barking out “Don’t let them raise the drawbridge here”, “We can still storm their keep” and “Let’s make them raise the portcullis”. One wonders if he had deliberately delayed his first team return just for this occasion in order to be able to bust out a load of terrible castle puns.

Remarkably, his team did listen to Ternouth and Castle weren’t able to raise the drawbridge immediately. The opening 15 minutes of the second half was all Fatboys as the men in green belatedly showed a little bit of fight and some glimpses of ability. That was rewarded with a goal on the hour mark, Devonish bombing forward from left back to earn a throw which Turner launched into the box in trademark fashion and Walsh rose to head home.

That made it 4-1 and suddenly, Ternouth was bringing out his other favoured phrases about Christmas miracles. Any hope of rivaling the immaculate conception in the most unlikely things to happen in December stakes vanished very quickly however, an unchecked runner through midfield made it 5-1.

Castle added three more goals in the final 20 minutes to add some gloss to the scoreline and book their place in the quarter finals of the competition. Unfortunately, we’ll be reminded of this nightmare in the first game back after Christmas when Castle are due to visit Clayton, this time in the Sussex County Sunday Trophy. Given how notoriously bad the Fatboys are in their first game back after the ‘Winter Break’, Lord knows what will happen.

All that we can hope for is a far better attempt at storming the keep.
 

FATBOYS

Scott McCarthy
Didn’t get close to any of the goals, a sure-sign that he’d been knocking back a large bottle of whiskey while dressed as a Christmas tree 12 hours before kick off.
Rob Lloyd
Wasn’t hungover this week so didn’t request a place on the bench. A solid outing in the first half before he was replaced by the more attack-minded Hoque after the break.
Dan Turner
Won plenty in the air as he normally does. His long throw is proving to be a real weapon as it led to yet another Fatboys goal.
Chris Britton
Held his hands up for the second goal but other than that he performed admirably in what was a pretty horrible experience for any defender.
Ronnie Devonish
One of the only players who came out of proceedings with any credit. He had a decent run out at left back and tried to inject some energy into things.
Andy Brown
Arrived. Raised hell. Left.
Jack Lewis
Only he could find any grounds to defend Brown’s tackle. Took a booking for that, but he did well otherwise, especially with the midfield so overrun.
Jame Wilkes
Youngest player in the team but at times, the most mature. Always wanted the ball, tried to get the team going and kept morale up when it was needed.
Dave Keane
An improvement on last week when he turned up without any kit. Had a couple of good runs at the full back but suffered when his side went down to 10.
Jordan Walsh
Worked tirelessly up front and was rewarded with yet another goal. Will have three games to look forward to with the captain’s armband in Brown’s absence.
Stuart Brown
Given how dire the Fatboys were, it was a pleasant surprise to see him not have a full-on meltdown. Put a real shift in on the left before picking up an injury.
 

SUBS

Alex Ternouth
Fantastic to have him back and instantly making all number of terrible puns. Put in a couple of trademark lunges and used the ball well at the back.
Ananda Hoque
Got forward from right back well and loved hugging the touchline. One last man tackle was an absolute delight while he also enjoyed getting to swap shirts with Kieran, whom he spent last season physically attached to.
Nick Jones
Unused
 

GOALS

58′ Walsh, assist Turner
 

BOOKINGS

Lewis, trying to get Andy off a murder charge
 

DISMISSALS

Brown, producing the sort of tackle that wouldn’t look out of place on Tekken
 

MAN OF THE MATCH

Not many people came away with any credit, but Jamie Wilkes played well and was a positive presence throughout.