Hassocks Fatboys Reserves 3-4 Lewes Associates

 

In blustery conditions described by no less an authority than ex-BBC weatherman Michael Fish as “really, really shit”, Hassocks Fatboys Reserves were denied the prospect of a second Sussex Sunday League Junior Invitational Cup final in as many years following a spirited second half comeback by Lewes Associates.

Never has the term ‘a game of two halves’ been more relevant than Sunday – strong winds blowing directly towards one goal meant that each side spent 45 minutes defending manfully while facing into the conditions and had another 45 minutes of incessant attacking with the wind behind them. The Fatboys would have preferred to kick against the wind in the opening half, but lost the coin flip – one fan was heard calling captain Nick Jones a useless tosser, which we can only assume was for this reason.

It really cannot be underestimated how much of a factor the wind was, and it quickly became clear that the Fatboys would need to ‘set a score’, cricket-style, before half time in order to give themselves something to defend in the second half. It all started so well, too – with just a couple of minutes on the clock, a cross from the right flicked off a Lewes hand and the referee pointed to the spot.

Hot-headed centre back Ali Jenkins stepped up and slammed the ball into the bottom corner, only for the official to call it back for encroachment. Lesser men would have fallen apart like a wet cake under the increased pressure, but the nerveless Jenkins simply drilled it into the opposite top corner instead to put Fatboys in front.

Midway through the first half, Hassocks were already booking studio time for the cup final song (rumours that it would have been a cover of Hot Chocolate’s “I Believe In Miracles” are unconfirmed at this time) as tousle-haired hit man Desmond Balderdash doubled their lead. A looping volley from Justin Parker was spilled by the Lewes goalkeeper, the ball eventually squirming in via a dodgy touch from Ando Knott followed by Desmond Balderdash’s outstretched foot.

With Mark Potter taking time out from his anger management classes to put in plenty of tackles and gob off at any Lewes player who came near him (calling the Lewes winger a ‘bellend’ for executing a perfect rabona cross was a particular highlight), the mercurial Nick Davie flitting between boundless energy and pained cries about various injuries and Stu Young and Ross Joannides building play from the back, the Fatboys were 2-0 up and flying. The greens were filled with confidence, but knew that the second half would be a tricky task – and it was made all the more difficult by a stroke of bad luck towards the end of the half.

A speculative shot from the Lewes striker was caught by the wind and slipped past Jones and into the corner to halve the deficit, and suddenly the greens knew they needed to do more before half time. A series of Luke Vick corners caused havoc in the Lewes penalty area, while Knott and manager Reece Wickwar buzzed either side of Balderdash – but to no avail, as Lewes held firm to keep their opponents at bay, the half-time whistle blowing with Fatboys 2-1 in front and cursing their luck.

Despite the difficult conditions, Fatboys coped admirably in the opening 15 minutes of the second half, repelling a series of Lewes attacks and pushing out wherever possible. Fresh from matching wrestler Mick Foley’s record of fifteen retirements, Chris Clayton came on for Balderdash at half time to provide additional power up front – getting the ball smashed at him within two seconds of kick off was a fine start to his performance – while renowned good guy Ian Simpson came on to add muscle in the middle of the park.

Panic ensued when Lewes seemed to have equalised following a goalmouth scramble, only for the referee and linesman to invoke the spirit of Pedro Mendes in refusing to acknowledge that the ball had comfortably crossed the line by an absolute mile.

The Fatboys drew courage from this stroke of luck and countered beautifully – a pinpoint through ball from the increasingly irate Wickwar put Knott through, and the Spanish import lashed the ball past the onrushing goalie to put the visitors 3-1 ahead. The greens had one foot in the final… and then it all fell apart.

In truth, there was a touch of fortune about the goal that got Lewes back into it. A free kick was launched into the box and flicked on by a Lewes head. The onrushing striker seemed well offside as he side-footed an excellent volley past Jones, but the goal stood and it was game on. Within minutes, the increasingly impactful ex-professional Lewes midfielder showed his pedigree, taking aim from 30 yards and arrowing a shot into the top
corner.

At that point, the writing seemed on the wall for the Fatboys, who were showing signs of tiredness against the wind. The killer goal came with 10 minutes to go, as a flicked header went over Jones and found the gap between three men on the line.

There was still time for Fatboys to get back into it, and the pace of Sam Wilson, Sam Harding and Stevie ‘the Shotgun’ Stockwell brought fresh impetus as the greens kept coming. At the other end, Jones made an astonishing double-save to keep Hassocks in the game, and with moments to go the chance came.

Put through on goal at a tight angle, Knott slotted home to make it 4-4 – only for the linesman’s flag to rule it out. Knott admitted afterwards that he was indeed offside, though this did little to stop the Fatboys’ sense of righteous fury. Soon after the referee blew the final whistle – joy for a deserving Lewes team, heartbreak for the Fatboys, who can now concentrate on the league. Great.
 

Fatboys Reserves

Nick Jones
Made a couple of superb saves to keep Fatboys in it, and was unlucky to be beaten by a wind-assisted shot in the first half.
Nick Davie
Got forward well when the Fatboys were on top, and his endless complaints of injury were great value.
Ross Joannides
Did more than anyone to keep Fatboys in it in the second half, and was a calm and collected presence throughout.
Ali Jenkins
Showed nerves of steel to dispatch his penalty twice, and restricted himself to just the one ridiculous halfway-line wind-assisted effort.
Stuart Young
Linked up well with Wickwar in the first half and dealt well with the wind in the second.
Justin Parker
Instrumental in the second goal and worked hard throughout before being replaced.
Mark Potter
Fronted up well to an ex-Premier League player, used the ball intelligently and, most importantly, insulted a number of opponents in tried and trusted style.
Luke Vick
Helped control the game for the Fatboys in the first half and a series of dangerous corners deserved better.
Reece Wickwar
An increasingly furious presence as the match wore on, showed a touch of real class with the ball through for the third goal.
Desmond Balderdash
Kept the Lewes defence occupied throughout the first half and kept his incredible scoring run going with a close-range finish.
Ando Knott
Terrorised the Lewes defence all afternoon with his tireless running, scored one superb goal and deserved at least one more.
 

SUBS

Chris Clayton
Showed the classic ‘good touch for a big man’ when sliding Knott through down the left just after half time, and linked up play well. Got a parking ticket for his troubles to put the finishing touch to a disappointing morning.
Ian Simpson
Provided support for the defence with his aggressive tackling in a tough second half and helped Fatboys get up the pitch.
Sam Wilson
Offered fresh legs down the right and did well to buy a foul as last man when Lewes looked set to break.
Sam Harding
Didn’t get long on the pitch, but spent his entire time taking throw-ins, all of which were deemed legal – a rare success for Fatboys. Offered an attacking outlet in the dying minutes
Stevie Stockwell
Wasn’t on long, but stretched the Lewes back line as Fatboys searched for an equaliser.
 

GOALS

Jenkins, assist N/A
Knott, assist Wickwar
Kelly, assist Parker