Hassocks Fatboys 1-3 Castle Sports
The walls of Hassocks Fatboys Division One season came tumbling down, the portcullis was raised, the moat ran dry and the keep was stormed as Castle Sports left Clayton Rec with all three points.
The title has been heading towards sunny Seaford and Physics Athletic for some time now, but this game was still important as it would effectively decide who finished runners up. That honour will now go to Castle thanks to their deserved 3-1 victory.
The Fatboys weren’t at the races, not helped by the continued unavailability problems that have plagued the first team in recent weeks. It’s almost like there is a County Cup final coming up which people are wrapping themselves in cotton wool for. Among the missing regulars were Rob Lloyd, Ryan John, 46-year-old John Humphrey, Ronnie Devonish and Dave Keane. That meant there were some unfamiliar faces in the Fatboys starting line up.
Nick Davie was rewarded for a string of substandard showings in the reserves with a starting berth at right back. Cheeky Ando Knott added some Latino flair to the front three and we were also treated to the sight of the lesser spotted Dan Jacques making his first competitive appearance of the season.
Jacquesy had a fine morning’s work, especially as he managed to get called a “ginger ****” by an opposition player within five minutes of kick off. As somebody – probably Bally – pointed out, he isn’t ginger anymore as most of his hair has fallen out. There was no disputing the second part of the statement however.
The game was hardly a classic and chances were few and far between in the first half. Castle scored one of their few opportunities, a 40-yard upfield ping catching Davie out with the left winger ghosting in, bringing the ball down beautifully and slotting past the advancing Scott McCarthy.
Given the amount of abuse we’ve taken from the Castle sideline in our four meetings this season for “only being a long ball team”, the irony wasn’t lost on anyone in green that they had taken the lead through a fine route one goal. Presumably, their manager scolded them after the game for scoring in such a way. The Fatboys meanwhile could only sit back and applaud.
The fact that this was the fourth meeting of the campaign goes part of the way towards explaining why it was such a dreadful game of football. Both sides were extremely familiar with each other; we knew to try and stop their two outrageously good centre midfielders from playing and they knew about the threat posed by Jordan Walsh and the long throws of Dan “the trebuchet” Turner.
The other reason it never really got going was because of the referee. The poor bugger was being assessed and as a result was over fussy about everything. He’d let play continue for minutes at a time before pulling it back for infringements which nobody else seemed to have seen, much to the distress of both teams. This particularly riled up the normally calm and mild mannered Jack Lewis, who somehow got through the game without picking up a booking. He also got through it without the referee shouting, “JACK YOU AND YOUR MOUTH ARE STARTING TO DO MY FUCKING NUT IN” as happened in the previous week’s Roy Terrington Cup semi final defeat to AFC 2015.
Half chances for Walsh and Stuart Brown and plenty of questionable offside decisions were all the Fatboys had to show for their first half endeavours. Chris Britton and Turner meanwhile put in some crucial blocks at the other end to prevent any further damage occurring. At the break, one change was made as Jon Ballantyne was introduced in place of Davie to try and inject some pace onto the right side of the pitch.
This didn’t go quite as well as could be hoped as within 120 seconds of the restart Castle doubled their lead when Ballantyne was outpaced by the opposition forward who latched onto a through ball just inside the Fatboys half before running clear and sliding the ball under McCarthy. Questions could be asked of the goalkeeper, who rather than dive towards the ball, fell over the top of it like a tree that has just been cut down by a lumberjack.
Going 2-0 behind did at least spark the Fatboys into life and for the next 20 minutes or so we were actually the better side. The Castle goalkeeper pulled off several impressive stops from Andy Brown, brother Stuart and Walsh and Knott got into the game a little more out on the right.
A goal was coming and it duly arrived in long ball style, which would have no doubt pleased the Castle manager. Stuart was the scorer, taking advantage of some hesitant goalkeeping to first challenge the Castle number one and then roll into the resulting empty net. Nobody seems to remember who got the assist, with Stuart summarising the situation best by saying, “It came from a long ball forward, so it must have been Turner.” It’s all yours, young Daniel.
The Fatboys weren’t back in the game for long however as once again we proved to be our own worst enemies. This time, Dave Linehan took the questionable decision to volley an aerial pass 30 yards back to McCarthy. You can probably guess this didn’t end well as McCarthy’s attempts to bring the ball down only succeeded in it bouncing off his thigh and straight to the advancing forward who took gleeful advantage of the gift to make it 3-1.
The game was up at that point but there was still time for Andy Brown to get in a nomination for the worst piece of acting you’ll see outside of a movie starring Robert Pattinson. An altercation kicked off on the edge of the Castle box after the linesman’s flag had gone up for the 123rd time with Brown very loudly implying that the Castle goalkeeper was a little overweight.
The visiting custodian didn’t take too well to that and as a result pushed Andy who stuck his hands by his sides and fell over with a completely straight back as if he were a plank of wood or a domino. Castle didn’t see the funny side of this with one player on the sideline now threatening to “blade” several Fatboys players. Presumably, this refers to some sort of knife crime rather than sitting us down to watch the 1982 classic movie starring Harrison Ford.
An unsavoury note on which to finish the clash but there was little doubting that victory for Castle was deserved. For the Fatboys, it means that there are two league games left with nothing to play for as third place in the table is already guaranteed. All eyes can now turn to that Cup Final, when presumably our big name players will be back and we’ll give a better account of ourselves.
Fatboys Reserves (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
Not his finest morning. Dived over the Castle second and had a touch heavier than the rather large woman many of the Fatboys used to pull on a Saturday night in Jacobs Post circa 2014 for the third.
Nick Davie
Perhaps should have been more aware when Castle opened the scoring but he got through a first half of honest work before being replaced at the break.
Dan Turner
Claimed another assist with a typically forceful 80 yard smash up the pitch. Played his part in trying to get the Fatboys back into it.
Chris Britton
Put in a number of crucial blocks back at the heart of the defence. Didn’t come close to breaking his duck at the other end, sadly.
Dave Linehan
You have to question why he thought a volleyed pass back to McCarthy was a good idea. He was having a good game before that, taking full advantage of the opportunity to ping cross field balls from left back.
Dan Jacques
It was good to see him on a rare Sunday morning outing. Turned up with a McDonalds breakfast and may have even got through 90 minutes without being sick.
Jack Lewis
Buzzed around in midfield making tackles and trying to make something happen. Managed to not cause a referee to scream at him this week.
Andy Brown
His best contribution was probably the ludicrous dive to try and get an opponent sent off. Remi Malek can sleep safely at night as his Best Actor Oscar looks under little threat from the Fatboys captain.
Ando Knott
Came into the game more in the second half with a couple of surging runs forward. Had a couple of half chances but they were no more than that.
Jordan Walsh
Probably the Fatboys best player. He was a constant menace throughout and without such a friendly offside flag going up on a frequent basis, he might have got his name on the score sheet.
Stuart Brown
Showed great determination to challenge the goalkeeper from Turner’s long ball forward for a deserved goal as looks to keep Walsh within his sights in the battle for top scorer.
Substitutes
Jon Ballantyne
Brought on to add pace to the back line and was outpaced within two minutes for Castle’s second in a very Fatboys-esque thing to happen. Other than that he was solid.
Mike Meckiff
Unused.
Goals
78′ S Brown, assist Turner
Man of the Match
Dan Turner was as good as he always is and Stuart Brown was lively but Jordan Walsh deserves it for sheer determination and doggedness.