Hassocks Fatboys 4-3 Preston Dynamos
Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 22nd September 2019
10.20am and things weren’t looking promising for Hassocks Fatboys ahead of their Sussex Sunday League Premier Division meeting with Preston Dynamos. Only nine players were present and correct at Clayton Rec.
Charlie Tyzack was just about to pull into the car park looking distinctly worse for wear. The location of Ryan John, Jamie Wilkes and Ronnie Devonish was less clear. Apparently, they’d made it halfway to Clayton when Ronnie realised he didn’t have his boots. And so back to Haywards Heath they went to get them, eventually arriving at 10.25, a whole five minutes before kick off.
We’ve been here before of course. Two seasons ago, Brockesy forgot the entire team’s kit when we had made it as far as the A23 on route to Peacehaven. That meant returning to Burgess Hill and eventually arriving for the game with White Hart at 10.15am, leaving everyone to sit around in the changing room for 45 minutes with nothing to do.
Last season against Kingston Village the kit didn’t turn up until 10 minutes before kick off after a wild goose chase around Haywards Heath trying to locate Dave Keane and Ryan, again. Can you see there’s a bit of a pattern beginning to be established here?
This latest show of tardy timekeeping didn’t impress captain Andy Brown and he let the latecomers know exactly what he thought before kick off. Wikesy and Ronnie took it well (and as you’ll find out, they’d be admonished 90 minutes later) but Ryan decided to go and sit in his car. It was only when we heard him laughing like a goat at Jordan Walsh’s 167th miss of the morning in the second half that we knew he’d calmed down. Still, at least no chairs were thrown at six-year-old girls on this occasion.
Unsurprisingly, the Fatboys made a slow start to proceedings. That was partly due to the lack of preparation but also because we were completely flummoxed by Dynamos beginning the game with four players up front. The back four of Rob Lloyd, Jason Gander, Andrew Davies and Charlie were completely overrun and it was only once Ronnie and Jack Lewis in the holding roles pushed wider to help out the full backs that we belatedly got a grip on what was going on.
By that point, Dynamos had taken an early lead. It was an excellent goal from their number nine who cut in from the right, skipped past four men and then drilled a shot into the bottom corner from the edge of the box. That led to a baffled Gander saying, “If I get touch tight, he’ll just spin and go around me. And if I stand off, he’ll just run around me. So either way, he’s getting around me.”
Gander needn’t have worried quite so much. Once the Fatboys got into the game after Dynamos had scored their opening goal, the nine saw much less of the ball. Before he’d netted, he’d already drawn a good save from Scott McCarthy from a one-on-one and was enjoying an intriguing battle with the rock solid Davo.
It was when Stuart Brown and Wilkes on the flanks began to come into the game more that the Fatboys started to dominate. So many chances fell to Jordan Walsh that if we sat here listing them all, you’d end up with a match report with a higher word count than the entirety of War and Peace.
The highlights of Jordan’s misses included striking the ball into his standing leg when a cross fell behind him, back passing a one-on-one to the goalkeeper and volleying off target from all of five yards. Jordan wasn’t the only guilty party. Wilkesy dragged a volley wide after three aerial cross field passes from Andy, Stuart and Ronnie had covered 80 yards of the pitch in a beautiful passage of long ball football. Stuart missed a simple chance at the far post, Andy blazed over and even Gander had a couple of headers from teasing corners that were off target. The Dynamos keeper also made an excellent save at full stretch to keep out a blistering Wilkes effort.
A goal did eventually arrive and it was Wilkes who got it, collecting Jordan’s pass and finishing neatly. Dynamos were crying out for half time by then, desperately needing the chance for a bit of respite from the onslaught and an opportunity to regroup. They couldn’t quite make it to the break though as two minutes before the referee blew his whistle, the Fatboys took the lead through the most unlikely of sources.
Ronnie has been at the club for a year now and nobody could recall him ever having a shot before, let alone scoring a goal. Yet here he was, collecting a quickly taken throw from Stuart, turning his man and then firing into the bottom corner from the edge of the box. It was some way to open his account.
That lifted everyone’s spirits and the message at half time was simple – Dynamos would be dangerous coming forward, so let’s not regret failing to kill the game off with all those squandered opportunities.
The visitors began the second half the better side and it was against the run of play when the Fatboys added a third on 55. The Brown brothers linked up for this one, Andy heading a Wilkes cross onto Stuart who made no mistake by burying the resulting chance.
Jordan thought he’d finally got off the mark 10 minutes later when the goalkeeper spilled a free kick from Stuart and he tapped in the loose ball. Remarkably, the Dynamos linesman flagged for offside and despite their being a defender stood on the goal line, the goal was ruled out. That just about summed up Jordan’s luck in front of goal all morning.
It was from a free kick of their own that Dynamos added their second to make it 3-2. Virtually everyone was expecting the shot but a clever routine saw the ball worked to the side from where the midfielder blasted it into the back of the net via a deflection off Davo. Suddenly, it looked like those missed chances might prove costly.
Composure would be needed at the back if that wasn’t to be the case and with Davo talking everyone through the game, that’s what we had. Even when Gander began running off without the ball which he’d left behind him in the box, the situation was retrieved when Jack issued a surprisingly polite reminder of, “Remember to take the ball with you, Jason.”
Jack was in a surprisingly pleasant mood throughout the game actually. Normally whenever we have Denny refereeing, he tends to lose his mind. Last time, that resulted in the fantastic scene of Denny shouting, “JACK YOU AND YOUR MOUTH ARE STARTING TO DO MY FUCKING NUT IN”. The only time Jack was involved in anything was when he was the victim of a nasty two footed challenge just inside our own half.
It was from the resulting free kick that the Fatboys fourth arrived. Gander played a long ball forward which Ronnie got under control on his chest, turned his man once again and then fired past the goalkeeper for his second of the game. You wait a lifetime for a Ronnie goal and then two come along in the space of 23 minutes.
That was despite the linesman doing his best to deny another perfectly legitimate goal. Given that Ronnie had got the ball under control with a man stood behind him marking, there was no way it could have been offside. Denny subsequently allowed the goal to quite rightly stand.
Ryan Collins came on his first appearance of the season in place of Lewis after that. One month ago Andy had said that he never wanted Roo to play for the Fatboys again which came two months after Hayley said the same thing. It was therefore nice to have him back, even if he was out of breath after two minutes and one perfectly timed slide tackle.
McCarthy did well to hold a deflected effort and Tyzack was coping admirably with the fact that at one point he had three men over and no-one to help. The Fatboys began giving away a succession of cheap free kicks as the game entered the final 10 minutes and it was from one of these that Dynamos notched their third as a free header at the back post crept into the opposite corner.
Andy admitted it was his man, saying “Sorry, I lost him because I was thinking about something else.” Hopefully, that something was the fact that he selected Lincoln City as his pick in the Fatboys’ Cheltenham 10s Saturday Accumulator, the Imps duly going onto lose 6-0 at home to Oxford United.
Whatever it was, Stuart wasn’t impressed.”HOW HAVE WE FUCKING LET THIS HAPPEN?” he screamed, being rewarded for that outburst by getting moved to left back. Tyzack was replaced after 80 solid minutes with Greg Chappell coming on for his first team debut.
In one sense, it was great to see Greg stepping up from the reserves and making it onto the pitch. In another, it was a shame that he was no longer running the line as he’d provided fantastic entertainment there. Not only had he enthusiastically ran to the half way line to signal for every substitute, but at one point in the first half as the Dynamos winger was chasing the ball he came sprinting past him going “I’m quicker than you, I’m quicker than you. ” Bally’s position as best linesman at the club could be under serious threat.
The final five minutes seemed to drag on for an eternity as a couple of crosses flashed across the Fatboys goal. There was a sense of relief when Denny finally blew the whistle as a game that could have gone either way delivered three points for the Fatboys. As Andy said afterwards, if Ronnie and Wilkesy play like this every week then they should turn up at 10.25 more often.
Fatboys 4-3-3
Scott McCarthy
A relatively quiet morning. His handling was good throughout with his only save of note coming from a first half one-on-one. His usual time wasting tactics weren’t fooling Denny sadly.
Rob Lloyd
Was solid as ever at right back and played some excellent balls up the line to Wilkes. No dodgy back passes this week, which was nice.
Andrew Davies
He makes such a difference to the side just through communication. His organisation was the main reason that the Fatboys adapted so quickly to the unusual prospect of Dynamos playing four up front. Didn’t lose a header all morning either.
Jason Gander
Made his first start of the season and it was a typical Gander morning really. One wonderful quote, forgot to take the ball with him at one point, blocked and headed everything and even claimed an assist for the fourth. All that was missing was a ridiculous handball.
Charlie Tyzack
Had an excellent game at left back, particularly given that Dynamos were overloading on his side. Firm in the challenge and talked well to call Jack over to help.
Ronnie Devonish
Well I never. A London Buses moment as he scored twice in the space of 23 minutes having never netted before in Fatboys colours. He’d probably have been Man-of-the-Match without those goals, but they rounded off a stellar display in the midfield engine room.
Jack Lewis
Played a vital if underappreciated role in front of the back four, filling the gaps when Dynamos chucked everyone forward early on. Didn’t pick up his customary booking from Denny either which was good to see.
Andy Brown
The captain was not a happy bunny before the game given the late arrivals. Channelled that anger into an all action performance in which he claimed an assist for brother Stuart’s goal.
Jamie Wilkes
Said his slow start to the game was due to the fact he needed the toilet, but he was too scared to go in case Andy came and dragged him out by his ear for being late. Opened the scoring and gave the left back a hard time of it.
Jordan Walsh
One of those days for the striker who could feasibly have had about six if he’d brought his shooting boots. His performance provided great amusement on the sidelines but he still managed to claim a fine assist for Wilkes’ opener.
Stuart Brown
His quickly taken throw to set up Ronnie’s first goal was a clever piece of thinking. Scored one himself and then finished the game at left back. Remarkably, he didn’t throw his toys out of the pram at that tactical decision for the final 10 minutes.
Subs
Ryan Collins
Replaced Jack and was told to just sit in front of the back four, something which he said he was only too pleased to do given his current lack of mobility. Gave a reminder of his quality with some firm challenges and decent passes. Good to have him back.
Greg Chappell
Gave one of the most entertaining linesman performances in Fatboys history. Looked good when he came on with a few driving runs up the right and endeared himself on his first team debut by asking questions such as “Is the world high jump record bigger than the world’s tallest man?” and “Has Greg Rutherford ever jumped further than the length of a double decker bus?”
Ryan John
Unused.
Goals
34′ Wilkes, assist Walsh
40′ Devonish, assist S Brown
55′ S Brown, assist A Brown
73′ Devonish, assist Gander
Man of the Match
Plenty of candidates with the stand outs being Andrew Davies, Stuart Brown and Ronnie Devonish but it has to go to the latter as two goals capped an all action performance.