Hassocks Fatboys Reserves 2-1 Hove Lions

Sussex Sunday League Division Four
Sunday 3rd November 2019
 

Following on from the previous weekend’s less-than-pleasing 3-2 Vic Bettney Memorial Trophy defeat to EG Club de Futbol Blues, Hassocks Fatboys Reserves were keen to get their season back on track as they returned to Division Four action at Fortress Clayton against Hove Lions.

The build-up to the game was not ideal, with hurricane strength weather the day before and then the Vintage Car Rally meaning the main road up Clayton Hill was closed. This forced all of the Brighton based players to take a 15 minute detour which resulted in the kit late arriving late. Despite all this, there was a sense of excitement amongst Reece’s men as they prepared for the game on what turned out to be a sunny morning.

With players returning from injury and other commitments, there were numerous changes to last week’s starting XI. Captain Jones lined up in goal, with the usual back four of Nick Davie on the right, Stuart Young on the left and Glen Clayton and Ali Jenkins resuming their partnership in the middle. A flat midfield three of Gre-double-g Chappell, Reece Wickwar and Des Balderdash sat in front of them, with Simon O’Brien and Ando Knott in the wide forward positions and El Bod resuming his place as the lone striker. This left a bench of Kevin Ticehurst, Jules Clay, Miles Collins and, with the first team game getting called off the day before, club captain Andy Brown.

The undoubted highlight of the morning for both teams was seeing celebrity official Rajab going through his pre-game routine. The Fatboys haven’t been refereed by Rajab since 2013, when he infamously took the full half time allocation of 15 minutes to drink a cup of green tea. He told Jon Ballantyne “Jonathon, this is your time to shine” when Bally was introduced as a sub and was particularly impressed when Stuart Brown scored a goal by saying, “Stuart, you are all my children.” Not to mention sparking a fantastic Potter meltdown by booking him for the new offence of ‘persistent team fouling’. It’s a real treat to see Rajab back on the Sunday League circuit, especially down in Division Four.

The game started comfortably for the Fatboys, with the team passing the ball around nicely and making Hove Lions do a lot of the running. The back four were keeping a very tight line which caught the Lions’ number eight offside on a number of occasion early on. While the forward in question found this extremely infuriating, it wasn’t anywhere near the level of annoyance that his own teammates were showing at this inability to stay onside.

Matters soon came to a head when he decided to shout “**** OFF” for the 2,349th time in side of about half an hour before booting the ball away after he was again caught offside. This was enough to earn him a coveted place in Rajab’s little black book and led to a difficult morning from that point on for Ali and Glen; not because of footballing matters, but because they had to spend the rest of the half listening to an incessant amount of moaning about the booking and pretty much everything else that was happening.

The game was pretty even for the first 30 minutes with both sides taking it in turns to enjoy periods of domination in their respective final thirds. Reece and Gregg were both having good games in midfield putting themselves about and breaking up play. SOB had been pushed up front to play alongside Bod, who was handed the rare challenge of going up against someone who could match his height and power and Ando was having the beating of his man on the right wing, creating plenty of space for Davie to gallop into.

The first real Fatboys chance of the half came from a free kick 20 yards out. Reece and Ali were in discussions over who should take it, with Reece eventually pulling managerial rank before gently rolling the ball straight to the keeper. That looked like it might send the game into the break goalless until a flowing passing move put the Fatboys ahead with not long remaining.

Some nice possession football helped move the ball to SOB on the halfway line. He took a touch, then another one to control, before spotting Ando making a run on the right wing. From there, SOB played a perfectly weighted through ball into Ando’s path, who took one touch to set himself and then fired a rocket past the keeper into the back of the net. Credit must be given to whoever put the net up at the bottom goal, as Ando hit the ball with such venom that only a superbly erected goal net could stop it and feel no ill-effects. 10 of the Fatboys players on the pitch were delighted that they had managed to take a lead into half time. The other one was SOB, who was fuming with his teammates for some sloppy play.

Following the goal, Hove Lions were keen to get back on level terms as soon as possible in what remained of the opening 45 minutes. Following a succession of corners, they had a penalty shout of their own turned down. The man-mountain of a centre back managed to lose El Bod, and was jumping to score a free header, only to receive an almighty push in the back. Screams for a penalty were quickly dampened though when the defender realised that it was his own player who had for some reason decided to jump into his teammates back and disrupt his attempt.

Rajab decided that we had seen enough for this half, and called an end to what was a pretty poor game for the neutrals. Both managers appreciated this and so rockets were fired off in the half time team talks, leaving those watching to hope for a vast improvement in the standard of football in the second half. The Fatboys made on change at the break with Jenkins’ hamstring going again after making a premature return from the injury he suffered against Peacehaven Athletic two weeks previously. He was replaced by Andy with Des moving back to defence to partner Glen.

The second half started as the first one ended, with both sides having spells of pressure in amongst some very average football. Andy added some more running in the midfield, and came the closest to adding another goal for the Fatboys. He picked up the ball inside the centre circle and embarked on a forward run which Lions allowed to happen as they backed off and backed off. Eventually, Andy found himself on the edge of the box before he cut onto his right and fired off a shot at goal. The keeper was not troubled by the shot too much, and he was able to gather it easily.

It was Lions who were next on the score sheet. After two pretty pathetic defensive headers from Reece, the number eight stopped moaning about the referee for just long enough to collect the ball, and finding himself in space, tried a speculative shot at goal which sneaked just over the outstretched hand of Jones and under the crossbar. It was a moment of poor defending from the Fatboys that had cost them, but they could not say it was undeserved. It should also be noted that this was definitely NOT a lob.

The goal seemed to give Fatboys the kick up the arse that they needed. Reece made a sub by bringing on Miles Collins for SOB. Rajab was full of his normal friendly advice at this point, telling SOB that that he hoped Simon enjoyed his rest and that he should have a Kit-Kat in case he needed to come back on. Miles meanwhile made an instant, erm… impression… on the game with not one, but two air kicks within his first couple of minutes on the pitch, much to the delight of the watching crowd.

Reece decided that further fresh legs were needed with Jules entering the game. More inspiration followed from Rajab who shouted “Julian, the stage is yours!” Ticehurst was also introduced, settling into his usual holding midfield.

Unsurprisingly for someone who usually plays first team football, Brown was starting to show his class on the ball. He made a driving run down the Fatboys right hand side and drilled a low cross across goal, which picked out Miles at the back post. Having yet been unable to connect with the ball using his foot, Miles decided it would be safer to just let the ball hit him in the penis, with surprisingly successful results as the ball bounced into the net. The wild scenes of celebration were cut short though as following complaints from the away team, Rajab re-enacted the goal with a couple of walk-throughs, and then decided it was offside. Who needs VAR?

The Fatboys could have been forgiven for letting their heads drop following the disallowed goal, but actually the opposite happened as they were instead spurred on, possibly by the prospect of scoring another which Rajab could carry out a re-enactment of before deciding whether it should stand or not.

In fact, it was almost a carbon copy of the disallowed goal which won the game for the men in Green. Brown once again made a run with the ball towards the touchline, and squared the ball along the floor to the back post, where SOB was waiting this time. Before SOB had a chance to suffer the embarrassment of missing an open goal from two yards for the second time this season, the Lions defender slid in and the ball bounced off him and into the back of the net. This time there were no walk-throughs needed, and the Fatboys were ahead once again.

The previous day’s Rugby World Cup Final had clearly had a big impact on the Fatboys, with not one, but two challenges that might have added a bit of fight to the England team the previous morning. The first was when Davie found himself high up the pitch, and rather than chase back, he decided to cling on to his marker with both hands. This saw Davie also having his name added to Rajab’s naughty list, and despite his best attempts to claim it was Gre-double-g’s fault, there was no doubting that he will be donating £10 to the Sussex FA Christmas party fund.

The second was a much more subtle effort from Glen. Having listened to him moan for 90 minutes, Glen had finally had enough and hauled the Lions number eight to the floor as he was clean through on goal. Rajab blew his whistle, and with Glen fearing the worst, it was a relief all-round when it was realised that the whistle was for the end of the game, rather than the foul. The same could not be said however for the Lions forward, who reacted to the decision with the same calm and measured manner that he had displayed all game. His ranting and raving was still going on for about five minutes after everyone else had left the pitch.

This wasn’t the best performance from Wickwar’s men by any stretch of the imagination, but it is however a return to winning ways which is much welcomed after the last few weeks. There was some confusion after the game when Miles could be seen on his hands and knees with his head in the bush. This was not in-fact him praying towards the popular church hall that we share Clayton with, but was actually him throwing up after a rather heavy Saturday night. A fine way to round off Sunday morning.

After the game, Reece spoke to the Mid Sussex times, saying: “That was a bit shit really, wasn’t it?” Next up for the Fatboys is the visit to Clayton from Sussex Albion. Let’s hope that everyone takes their throw-ins from the correct place this time…
 

Goals

Knott, assist O’Brien
Own Goal, assist Brown
 

Bookings

Davie, rugby tackle