Hassocks Fatboys 1-5 Queens Park
Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 12th January 2020
In the Clayton mud, Hassocks Fatboys’ chances of finishing second in the Sussex Sunday League Premier Division this season suffered a severe blow as they were well beaten 5-1 by Queens Park.
This was a strange morning of football. Despite the fact that it had hardly rained by this winter’s British standards in the week leading up the game, the pitch was as bad as it’s ever been. In fact, you could argue that the game shouldn’t have gone ahead at all but with Andy Brown too hungover to have been at the ground at his normal time of 5.50am to lay out the kit, start putting the nets up and God knows what else he does five hours before kick off, we had no way of knowing just how bad it was until both sides and the referee were ready and waiting to go.
Well, one side was ready to go. The Fatboys never got out of second gear, only seriously troubling the Queens Park goalkeeper in the final 10 minutes. By that point, Ryan John had exited proceedings due to the slippy conditions having spent most of the game floundering around on his back like a woodlouse who’s been turned upside and Stuart Brown was telling the ref he had to call the game off because the pitch was unplayable.
Sadly, our experienced ref saw right through what Stuart was up to. He wasn’t about to call proceedings to a halt with the visitor’s winning by four clear goals and five minutes to play. This didn’t please Stuart, and so he began shouting “How is there still three minutes left when he said there were four minutes left a minute ago?” We may need to see that GCSE certificate in mathematics again at some point.
What didn’t help the Fatboys cause were a series of dropouts on the morning of the game. Dave Linehan was ill and Ronnie Robinson had done his normal Saturday night disappearing act, which in fairness we haven’t seen since October. Ronnie had been at his Godson’s first birthday party the previous day which left two very important questions to answer – 1) How does a child’s first birthday party leave a man in such a state that he is too much of a mess to play football? 2) Who on earth has decided making Ronnie a Godparent is a good idea?
With numbers approaching a bare 11, we attempted to call up Nick Davie from the reserves. Davie showed an excellent attitude by saying he wasn’t going to play for the first team and that we should ask Stuart Young instead. Luckily, ‘Wispa Gold’ Young isn’t so flaky as Davie and so he arrived at Clayton in good spirits. That was until he was reminded of his previous first team outing against Queens Park in the Roy Terrington Trophy last season, which saw both him and Jonesy come off the bench with the Fatboys 6-1 ahead with 20 minutes to go. Final score that day – Fatboys 6-5 Queens Park.
The tone for this morning was set almost straight from kick off. While Queens Park fizzed the ball around nicely and played some pleasing passing football despite the heavy surface, every time we were in possession we’d end up giving it away. Without Ronnie, Dave or Jack Lewis – who continues to remain in a secure psychiatric unit following his meltdown during the 6-1 County Cup defeat against AFC 2015 back in November – the midfield looked imbalanced with three attacking players in Andy, Jamie Wilkes-Spies and Jordan Walsh in there.
Queens Park took the lead early on and it was a poor goal for the Fatboys to concede. A cross into the box took a deflection off somebody, looped into the air and a visiting striker managed to nip between Rob Loyd and Scott McCarthy to side foot home.
Karel Kutaa had a one-on-one well saved shortly afterwards and Dave Keane and Jordan both went close too but that was about it in a turgid first half, from which the main talking point was why Ryan had decided to play in a set of skis rather than football boots. There was one moment when a cross came in and as Ryan went to clear, his legs shot out from under him leaving him marooned in a puddle and giving a Queens Park player a free header at the back post. Luckily, the opponent in question was so taken aback by Ryan resembling Gemma Collins that time she stacked it on Dancing on Ice that he completely missed the ball and Lloyd was able to clear.
Speaking of free headers, it was from such an instance that Queens Park doubled their lead around the 35 minute mark. Andy had turned the ball away to concede a corner, at which point Ryan offered the rallying call of “We haven’t started yet boys, let’s raise our game and get back into it.” 30 seconds later and Queens Park were 2-0 ahead, a free header front and centre of the goal well placed out of the reach of McCarthy. A brotherly spat between Andy and Stuart ensued over who should have been marking the goal scorer.
At some point, Stuart was pulled back into central midfield with Jordan moving into the front three. This didn’t seem to make the blindest bit of difference and early in the second half, Queens Park had their third. It was a very strange goal to concede. A corner coming into the wind bounced on the edge of our 18 yard box and then got held up by the gale. Somehow, it still managed to escape Andy and find its way into the area where another free header from close range was looped between McCarthy and Young.
By this point in time, Ryan was beginning to cut an increasingly frustrated figure. He’d been lucky to escape a red card on two occasions in the first half, somehow getting away without so much as a yellow. Perhaps the referee realised that this was a bloke slipping and sliding everywhere like a granny in the snow and so gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Ryan’s days began to be numbered when his attempts to intercept a Queens Park through ball again saw his legs go one way as his body tried to go another. This time, he ended up flat on his face in the mud before producing a weird attempt at a breast stroke to try and get across and block the pass with his face. Needless to say, this didn’t succeed and luckily the resulting one-on-one came to nothing given that the entire Fatboys back line were out of the game with laughter.
Five minutes later and Ryan was again found on his back in the middle of midfield, at which point he shouted “I can’t fucking stand up.” To make this whole situation even weirder, it later transpired that Ryan had a pair of studs in his bag but had decided to wear moulds, blissfully unaware that this may not be the best approach on a pitch that resembled the Everglades.
Ryan couldn’t take anymore and so he was hauled with his plade at the heart of the defence taken by Steve Spies, who’d still turned up despite being ill all week. Spiesy perhaps felt harshly treated at having been dropped to the bench after a solid showing in the victory against Preston Dynamos a week previously, but those of us who have seen the NHS adverts about pensioners, flu jabs and the dangers of exacerbating illnesses in those over 65 years of age knew that it was best for the veteran’s health that we didn’t try and make him complete 90 minutes.
In fact, Spiesy only completed 20 minutes. Queens Park had gone 4-0 up by that point, at which point Andy had decided he’d had enough and so tried to sub himself off for a very hungover Mike McDonald. “Why are you going off, Andy?” asked Spiesy. “Because I’m shit,” came the reply. “I’ll go off, it’s alright,” said Spiesy and so off he trotted with Mike coming on.
Mike’s first contribution was to give away a free kick, as was his second and his third. His fourth was to take a short goal kick to Stuart who was running away from the ball at the the time, telling him “Stuart, I know you don’t want this but here you go,” while sporting a ridiculous grin. It was an interesting cameo from a man who is the first to admit that he does some very strange things on a football pitch when he’s been out the night before.
The Fatboys pulled one back with 10 minutes remaining when Dan Turner smashed a long ball up the pitch, Jordan got on the end of it and hit a speculative shot from 25 yards into the wind which somehow defied the visiting goalkeeper. We weren’t back in it for long as an attempted offside trap went about as well as the Iranian military firing missiles outside Tehran Airport and Queens Park had an easy fifth.
Matt Jasper had by this point replaced Wilkes-Spies and the young midfielder was one of the few players to emerge with much credit as he actually did some things that were alien to the Fatboys on this day, such as passing the ball to someone else in green. We had a couple of chances to add to the score late on, Turner seeing a trademark bullet header from a Duck corner somehow kept out by the keeper who then superbly tipped one over at full stretch from Jordan. McCarthy made a similar stop in the final seconds, pushing a powerful Queens Park shot from distance onto the bar.
There was at least one positive to take afterwards which came with the removal of the goal nets. Bally had turned up to watch the closing stages with Wallace, whose collar we soon realised you could attach to the and have him run from one end of Clayton down to the changing rooms with it. Given how shit we’d been, this made Wallace a live contender for Man-of-the-Match. Dylan, the other dog in attendance, summed the morning up best however when he took a piss on the other net on a piss poor day for the Fatboys.
Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
Not convincing with the first goal. Made a couple of good stops in the second half and displaying decent handling in difficult conditions.
Rob Lloyd
Had a tricky winger to contend with and by and large, he did okay. One of the few defenders who appeared not to have covered his boots with butter before the game.
Ryan John
Did well when he wasn’t either lying face down in the mud or on his back like a turtle who had become stuck after getting caught by a poacher. Sadly though, that accounted for about 70% of his time on the pitch.
Dan Turner
Young Daniel made his first Fatboys appearance since October. Unlucky not score with a header; less said about his attempted overhead kick in the final five minutes the better.
Stuart Young
A late call up from the reserves and he dealt superbly with the upheaval. Used the ball nicely down the left and covered cleverly when Turner took it upon himself to play up front in the closing stages.
Andy Brown
Couldn’t fault his effort, but like most of his teammates in the middle of the park, he struggled somewhat.
Jamie Wilkes
Some flashes of quality in the middle and a couple of mazy runs. Not the sort of pitch he thrives on though.
Jordan Walsh
Probably the best of a bad bunch, especially given that he wasn’t fully fit after missing last week through injury. An opportunistic goal.
Dave Keane
Came up against a rare full back who could match him for pace. When he did manage to escape the attentions of his marker, he put in some lovely low crosses.
Karel Kutaa
Given this was the end of a traumatic week for Karel in which photos surfaced of him bound and gagged in some sort of hostage situation, he gave a good account of himself. Only a fine one-on-one save could prevent him scoring.
Stuart Brown
Started out on the left before being asked to play more central. His attempts to get the game abandoned after 88 minutes due to an unplayable pitch were admirable.
Subs
Steve Spies
A 50-year-old suffering from illness still turned up – take note those who drop out with a hangover. Won a few important headers during his 20 minutes on the pitch before sinking some medicinal Stella Artois in the Club.
Matt Jasper
Answered the call to come along on the morning of the game. He was one of the few players in green who could actually complete a pass once he’d replaced Wilkes.
Mike McDonald
Did not look a healthy man as he sat in the changing room, fully clothed at 10.28. Kicked a few people when he came on before saying he couldn’t come to the Club afterwards as he had to go home and have a bath.
Goals
81′ Walsh, assist Turner
Man-of-the-Match
Wallace did a great job collecting the goal nets, but realistically we can’t give the award to a dog who turned up for the final 10 minutes. Jordan Walsh can therefore have it for scoring a goal.