“Nobody goes out there to deliberately cock up, so let’s try and enjoy ourselves.”

On April 17th 2021, pubs in England were allowed to open again on a Saturday night for the first time since December. On April 18th 2021, Hassocks Fatboys found themselves 5-0 down at half time against BN Dons. Coincidence?

Shambles is really the only word to describe the opening 45 minutes of football put on in our final Clayton outing of 2020-21. The second half was at least a big improvement as we drew 1-1 once everyone began to sober up, resulting in a final score of Fatboys 1-6 BN Dons.

The end of the season cannot come soon enough. Unavailability and people realising that there are better things to be doing on a Sunday morning in the sunshine as the country opens up after lockdown than playing football mean we are very much down to the bare bones.

Among the most notable absentees were Jack who has bad a back, Wilkesy who had taken himself off to Cornwall to try and recover from the PTSD caused by the previous week’s double header hammerings at the hands of Castle Sports and Duck, who has just brought his first duckling into the world – congratulations to Dave and Rosie, who are at least providing some positive news in these dark times for Hassocks Fatboys Football Club.

We probably should have known what was to come when Spiesy attempted to give a rousing speech before kick off: “Nobody goes out there to deliberately cock up, so let’s not get on each others backs and try and enjoy ourselves.”

Not words you are likely to ever hear coming out of the mouth of Pep Guardiola. Pep and Spiesy do have some similarities though; both are in their 50s and both are partial to drop a wine. In Spiesy’s case, too much wine the evening before led to an absolutely incredible opening 25 minutes at centre back before Jordan had seen enough and took it upon himself to swap positions, spending Spiesy up front.

From kick off, the ball went via Jordan and Max to Spiesy, who let it slide straight under his foot. That set the tone really, although for the first 15 minutes the score line somehow remained 0-0 until a well-worked goal gave Dons the lead.

It was at this point that the floodgates opened. The Official Hassocks Fatboys Twitter account described goal number two as “an absolute clusterfuck”, which it was hard to disagree with as Spiesy decided to knock both himself and Mike over as Mike went to clear. That left the Dons striker with a free run at goal which he took full advantage of to double the advantage.

Spiesy’s next trick was to make a decision which in all honesty beggared belief as, from 30 yards away, he decided to smash a volleyed back pass with as much power as possible towards to Scott. It was not far away from flying into the top corner, at which point Willow asked, “Spiesy, what the fuck are you doing?”

Good question. For goal number three, Spiesy managed to lose a bouncing ball and that resulted in a chance arriving which the unfortunate Matty P turned in for an own goal. Matt’s morning become even more unfortunate when he then deflected a free kick past Scott as Dons made it 4-0 with only half an hour played.

Jordan and Spiesy switched positions after that with Jordan offering the ringing endorsement of “You will do less damage up there.” Mike meanwhile was delighted to have a new partner, saying “I don’t know how Spiesy lasted that long back here.”

Despite the tactical adjustment, goal number five soon followed when Andy tried to take on three men on the edge of our box. He lost possession and we were duly punished with another decent finish past Scott, who by this point in time must have had a back as bad as Jack’s from having to pick the ball out of the net with such frequency.

The next disaster to strike came when Jordan pulled up injured, meaning that a half fit Bally entered the fray having said before kick off “Only bring me on if we are really desperate.” Having watched that opening 35 minutes, it was pretty obvious we were bloody desperate.

If you have made it this far, you are probably wondering if there were any positives from the first half other than comedy? Max was superb again, Stuart did not have a breakdown (and he turned up with a new mallet to replace the one he had broken in anger at us being 4-0 down at half time last week) and Willow had decided to play as a holding midfielder to try and stem the flow.

With Willow dropping deeper than normal, we now had someone who could do things like control a football and play a pass positioned just in front of the defence. That combined with reduced alcohol levels in the bloodstream led to a better second half as the Dons goalkeeper actually had a couple of saves to make and we played some surprisingly good football.

This was reward with a goal scored by – wait for it – Spiesy. Alex made inroads down the flank and he delivered a low cross which Spiesy turned in from four yards out, rolling back the years to when he used to be a feared centre forward in the early 1980s and moving onto -1 for the morning in the process.

Making any further impression on the score looked difficult, especially when injuries began to bite across the defence. Matt pulled up with a problem, Mike has been playing with an injured heel for what feels like four or five years now, Bally’s thigh went to leave him on one leg and Dave was forced into slowing done by a knee problem after another solid outing at left back.

Dons should have increased their led before they actually did. Scott made two good saves and then an outrageous first touch from a 40 yard ball over the top took their striker in one-on-one for the chance to wrap up his hat-trick.

Unable to run, Bally was forced into hopping after the forward on one leg and this ridiculous sight astonishingly proved enough to put the Dons player off as he looped his effort harmlessly into the arms of Scott. Said Dons player did eventually complete his treble, rounding off the score to make it 6-1.

Another tough morning at the office, particularly for poor Matty P who cut a disconsolate figure at the end as he sat staring at the ground. Thankfully, Spiesy was on hand to cheer him up. “Don’t worry about today, I’ve been involved in games like that 30 years.” Not sure it helped, really.