Hassocks Fatboys 1-5 Shoreham 3rd Reserves
Sussex Sunday League Division Five
Sunday 23rd September 2012
Victoria Park, Portslade
Hassocks Fatboys’ 5-1 defeat at the hands of Shoreham 3rd Reserves resembled something out of the movie Platoon. It pissed it down with rain all morning and the hosts reduced to a cast of walking wounded by the full time whistle with no less than six of the 14 Fatboys players involved limping from the field of play afterwards.
From the moment that Chris Stacey was forced off injured with only 10 minutes played, it was an uphill struggle. A half-fit Daniel Lawrence took Stacey’s place and that set the tone for the rest of the game really. Not that preparations had been great beforehand. Waterhall was suffering its annual takeover from the friendly travelling community which meant the fixture being hastily relocated to Victoria Park.
Numbers were also low. Mark Potter had decided he would follow up his goal scoring, man-of-the-match performance from the previous week’s win over Kingston Broadway by going to Lanzarote for two weeks. Christian Jones was having another new knee fitted and John Kearvill pulled a hamstring trying to get out the bath late on Saturday night. JK still made the trek to Portslade to watch, although when he spotted son Rhys wearing a pair of what can only be described as women’s tights under his kit and a set of luminous green gloves, he wished he hadn’t.
That meant there were three changes from last Sunday’s first victory. New signing Jason Gander came straight in at centre back with Stacey taking up Jones’ role at right lung back for the 10 minutes he was on the pitch. Rob Lloyd replaced Potter in the middle of the park and Phil Standen made his first start up front alongside Chris Martin, a strike partnership born on the streets of Wilmington Close.
Quite why Shoreham are called Shoreham 3rd Reserves and not Shoreham 4ths was a question that nobody could answer before the game. The Fatboys couldn’t stop them going 1-0 up inside of 10 minutes, a forward being allowed far too much time on the edge of the box to hit a sweetly struck shot into the bottom corner of Scott McCarthy’s goal. McCarthy had already been called into making two fine saves on the stretch before that.
The Fatboys’ response was impressive, which did at least give one positive from this otherwise sorry experience. Player-manager Lawrence had been on the pitch for a matter of minutes when he claimed his second assist from the substitutes bench in as many games, making ground down the right before cutting inside to find Martin who toe poked the ball past the advancing Shoreham goalkeeper for 1-1.
That gave the Fatboys some confidence and they began to come into the game more. Lawrence had a great chance to give his side the lead when again cutting onto his favoured left foot but his shot flashed just wide. At the other end, Gander was beginning to impress with some flying blocks and a strange array of high pitched noises and Matt Martindale and Andy Rumble were doing their bit for the defensive cause too.
There was little that the back three could do about Shoreham’s second which was the result of some lackadaisical work from the Fatboys midfield who allowed a midfield to advance with the ball far too easily before smashing an effort from the edge of the box into the top corner.
The Fatboys began to become frustrated at that point. Martindale flashed in a free kick which only needed a touch to divert it past the Shoreham goalkeeper but nobody could connect. Stuart Ridley then got to the by-line but his cutback was cleared with Martin lurking.
Had the ball reached Martin, he probably would have bee flagged offside anyway with the Shoreham linesman deciding he was going to wave like a teenage girl at a One Direction concert every time the ball went in the vague direction of the Fatboys striker. This led to Standen politely questioning the decision with a bellowing shout of “NO, COME ON, YOU MUST BE JOKING.”
The Fatboys began the second half by dominating possession but they never really looked like they knew what to do with it. It took a stunning save from McCarthy to keep things at 2-1, the goalkeeper flying full length across his goal to tip a shot around his left hand post just moments after getting injured taking a kick.
Shoreham didn’t have long to wait for their third through, gifted to them again by more disappointing defending. The Fatboys knew not to let the ball bounce on a hard surface which was by now very slippery and yet that is exactly what they did. A long knock out of the visitors’ defence bounced not once, not twice, but three times all the way into the box where the Shoreham striker beat McCarthy to the ball to nod home.
What should have been a dangerous set piece in a promising position for the Fatboys ended up gifting Shoreham their fourth which killed the game off. Remarkably, the referee gave the hosts a free kick for swearing on the edge of the box. The delivery went horribly wrong however and within seconds, Shoreham had a three-on-one break with Martyn Buxton the only man back. The opportunity was ruthlessly taken for 4-1.
Martindale then decided that the best course of action to prevent the scoreline becoming anymore embarrassing would be to start playing rugby. He pulled off a quite spectacular deliberate handball by actually catching an attempted through ball that would have left Shoreham with another one-on-one. Somehow, Martindale got away without so much as a talking to from the referee, who was perhaps ignoring such blatant cheating out of sympathy.
Sympathy can only get you so far though and there was nothing the official could do to prevent Shoreham adding a fifth when their substitute showed the footwork of Bruno Tonioli to dance past three Fatboys and bury the ball past McCarthy.
With the game all but done, Standen and McCarthy both withdrew from proceedings injured. There seemed little point in aggravating their injuries further for a lost cause with big games to come and so Ian Mariner and Kevin Ward got entered proceedings. Mariner filled in at right back as the Fatboys switched to a back four and showed a couple of nice touches for a near-pensioner who hasn’t played for two years since snapping his Achilles tendon. Ward meanwhile handled impressively in the difficult conditions.
There were a couple of chances late on for the Fatboys to add a second which they couldn’t quite take. Ridley drew an excellent stop from the Shoreham goalkeeper and Buxton hit the bar from a trademark surge up the left wing. It says much though that the highlight of the day was the continental cheese and meat platter which Hayley Elphick threw into the post-game spread in the Club. Hopefully, Italian prosciutto and Black Forest ham has suitable healing properties as the Fatboys look to get some of their walking wounded back to full fitness for next week’s home clash with The Blades.
Hassocks Fatboys (3-5-2)
Scott McCarthy
Kept his side in it with three first class saves before the floodgates opened. A worthy man-of-the-match winner.
Andy Rumble
A number of trademark sliding tackles from the defender who seemed to enjoy the wet conditions as they gave him an excuse not to stay on his feet.
Matt Martindale
Showed some fine football skills at sweeper and some even better rugby ones with that second half attempt to catch the ball.
Jason Gander
Impressive debut from the defender, putting his body on the line for the Fatboys cause. The selection of noises he displayed means he is sure to fit in at the club.
Chris Stacey
Asked to play at right lung back but lasted just 10 minutes before his chocolate ankle gave way.
Rhys Kearvill
Ladies tights and green gloves was a shocking combination. Fashion faux pas aside, he used the ball well in the middle of the park.
Rob Lloyd
Struggled in the holding role as he was forced with trying to deal with wave upon wave of Shoreham attacks.
Stuart Ridley
One good run to the byline in the first half and denied a goal by a smart second half save. He battled well when moved out to the right after the switch to 4-4-2.
Martyn Buxton
Unlucky to see his fine second half effort hit the bar. It was a decent shift at left lung back from the captain.
Phil Standen
Injured after 10 minutes but battled on gamefully. Managed to question every decision the referee gave, which was impressive given that 90% of them went the Fatboys’ way.
Chris Martin
Another well taken goal made it three in four for the striker. Might have had more were it not for the Shoreham linesman waving the flag anytime he got near goal in the first half.
Subs
Daniel Lawrence
On after 10 minutes in place of the injured Stacey in the unfamiliar right lung back role. Claimed an assist for the second game in a row.
Ian Mariner
Replaced Standen as part of the switch to 4-4-2. Put in a few good tackles at right back.
Kevin Ward
Handled well in the wet conditions in his 15 minutes after replacing McCarthy.
Goals
11′ Martin, assist Lawrence
Man-of-the-Match
Scott McCarthy pulled off several first rate stops which kept the Fatboys in the game before the second half onslaught and his subsequent injury.