Three out of four as Fatboys foil Cuckfield

For a team that is “historically shit” in pre-season, the run up to the opening day of the 2017/18 Sussex Sunday League Premier Division season has been a remarkable success for Hassocks Fatboys.

Three out of four friendlies have been won, the first time that has ever happened, with the third and final success coming against Mid Sussex League side Cuckfield Town on a balmy night at Downlands.

The Fatboys two best performances have come in their Thursday night games, this 6-3 victory and a fortnight earlier against Lindfield Reserves in a game that finished 3-2.

This just confirms what we already knew, that in the unlikely event we every got a completely sober team out on a Sunday we could actually be quite good. PaddyPower go 100/1 on that happening at some point this season, by the way.

This Cuckfield game also confirmed what a strong squad the first team will have this season. On the bench were Peter Martin, Jack Lewis, Rob Lloyd, Daniel Pidgeon, Dave Linehan and Rhyan Thwaites – all of whom have strong claims to start.

And that doesn’t take into account that both James Ballantyne and Sam Holman were playing for the Whitebellies, or that Michael Russell was running the line after his latest session in the tattooist chair. Or that Arni Kublickas was representing Lithuania in Brexit talks. Or that John Humphrey is still recovering from his recent exploits in the World Athletics Championships. Hopefully, long gone are the days of drunkenly trying to get people spotted in Quench on a Saturday evening to make up the numbers the following morning. 

Cuckfield had more of the ball early on but didn’t do an awful lot with it and it was the Fatboys who created the first real chance. Chris Britton is more left than Jeremy Corbyn and so playing him on the left wing would seem a logical thing to do. He has after all famously never used his right foot in his life.

So naturally the first opportunity of the game saw him get away down the flank and rather than delivering a cross, he cut inside and tried to shoot on his right. The result was the ball trickling out of play as if a baby giraffe had just stumbled over it.

This greatly pleased Britton’s team mates to the point where we were still not over it when Cuckfield took the lead. It was a simple goal, a corner in causing what Jason Gander correctly labelled using his favourite footballing term of “chaos and confusion” with the loose ball being volleyed home. 

The lead was shortlived as Jordan Walsh soon made it 1-1. Sam Lowe was the Fatboys man-of-the-match in a new central midfield role which begs the question why has he been playing out wide for the last six months. It was his ball hopefully returned into the Cuckfield box after a free kick wasn’t convincingly cleared that led to the equaliser, visiting goalkeeper Phil Carter only being able to parry it straight to the feet of Walsh who made no mistake.

The Fatboys regained possession straight from kick off to make it 2-1 and turn the game on its head. Given that the average age of the team is now nudging 30, recruiting some young blood this summer has been a priority. One of those new teenagers is Kieran Poulton and he teed up Britton for number two with a great run and cross down the right which Britton, wisely deciding this time to forget he has a right foot, swept home with his left. 

The third was again Britton on his left finding Joe Brockes who finished with a trademark Goblin style finish. Cuckfield introduced the handsome Holman after that and found themselves with a lot more time on the ball.
Scott McCarthy made three excellent stops in quick succession, arguably the biggest example of the being better sober theorem discussed earlier. But there was nothing he could do when Jamie Mullane slalomed around four men and banged one in the bottom corner for 3-2.

At that point it looked as though a typical Fatboys collapse could be on the cards but the defence of Gander, Gary Whittington, Ananda Hoque and Jon Ballantyne stayed strong and from that solid base, the Fatboys added a fourth on the stroke of half time. 

This was the most pleasing goal of the lot, Andy Brown and Hoque linking up to send Poulton away again and he delivered a whipped cross straight onto the cranium of Walsh, leaping like the proverbial smoked salmon to powerfully head home past Carter. Not even three goalkeepers would’ve kept that one out. 

The Fatboys made a raft of changes after the break and were more careless in possession than the McCann’s are with their children as a result. Despite having plenty of the ball, Cuckfield found themselves up against a one man blocking machine in substitute Pidgeon.

Pidgeon used his face, his body, his legs and er, his hands quite blatantly inside the box to keep the ball out. He also had several own goal attempts, a touching tribute to retired former club captain Martyn Buxton who was in attendance.

Cuckfield did eventually pull one back from that old chestnut, the set piece free header when the ball somehow got through a gap of less width then the proverbial Rizla between Gander’s girth and Linehan on the post. 

That belatedly sparked the Fatboys into life and they added two more late on. Pidgeon proving to be as much of a threat with his head in the opposition box as he was with his hands in ours to head home a Martin corner and then Martin won a free kick out wide after good play from Lewis, which he duly looped into the box and over the keepers head for the sixth. 

That rounded off a pleasing evenings work ahead of the opening league game in 10 days game against Queens Park. For once, the Fatboys look remarkably prepared for competitive action. Watch this space.