10 man Fatboys knock off the Champions

This was Hassocks Fatboys 100th competitive first team match and never before have they produced a greater victory. 

Taking on reigning Sussex Sunday League champions AFC 2015, they had to play for 70 minutes with 10 men on the huge Culver Road pitch following Jordan Walsh’s dismissal. Walsh saw red at 0-0 yet the Fatboys managed to score three times shorthanded and concede only a Gary Rook penalty in a performance that was baffling to the extreme. 

Last season, we faced AFC thee times and conceded 22 goals along the way. Our last meeting was a 12-2 defeat as recently as February. The turnaround is all the remarkable given that 10 of the Fatboys squad for this victory played on that dark day at Neville Rec.

Things didn’t get off to the best of starts even before that Walsh red card. Despite their being 30 foot high nets behind both goals at Sussex County FA HQ to prevent balls flying out of the ground, we managed to lose three in the warm up alone. Three games into the season and we are now down to one ball which should make training and next week’s home game with Peacehaven DPA interesting to say the least. The influential Sam Holman hobbled off inside of 15 minutes after a clash of knees in a tackle, which meant John Humphrey coming on for his first appearance of the season just three days after his 45th birthday which we haven’t heard much about this week. 

Neither team created anything in the opening 20 minutes before that Walsh red card. It was a strange moment given that the game had been proceeding at an almost leisurely pace up until then, Walsh and an AFC defender coming together in a challenge in the corner, after which they both rose to their feet and squared up to each other.

Given that Walsh is tall and the opponent appeared as though he could’ve made a lucrative career as a cast member in Snow White, it was naive at best and bloody idiotic at worse for Walsh to raise his hands, as they were now at head level with the defender. The referee understandably drew the conclusion that Walsh had pushed the AFC player in the face and the straight red came out with very few complaints. As a result, Walsh ended up playing for longer in the Mick Coben Darts Competition in the Club on Sunday afternoon than he had on the pitch. 

Strangely, there were some positives to this move. Firstly, it meant Walsh couldn’t get any closer to the 15 goals he needs to win the bet that sees Scott McCarthy getting his name tattooed on him and will now lose at least two games through suspension to chip away at the target. Secondly, it meant that the Fatboys focus and discipline was even greater than it was before. Thirdly, it meant we could get Peter Martin on the pitch. 

Andy Brown made way, wisely deciding to take full advantage of the new rolling subs rules and save his energy for the second half. This proved to be a masterstroke as Martin had been on the pitch for less than five minutes when he opened the scoring. A long McCarthy kick was nodded by the diamond head of Humphrey to Dan Jacques who played a perfect ball over the top. Martin still had plenty to do but he comfortably had the centre back for pace before producing an absolutely stunning scissor kick finish that arrowed into the top right corner. 

The Fatboys rode out the rest of the half thanks to some heroic defending from Jason Gander and Daniel Pidgeon while, given that the pitch was wider than a certain girl who used to be very popular among the Fatboys squad circa 2014, the contribution of the full backs Arni Kublickas and Michael Russell ably supported By Ananda Hoque and Chris Britton cannot be overstated. 

The one time they did find a way through they found a McCarthy clearly benefitting from his Sober September, the Fatboys number one pulling off a quite brilliant reaction save through a crowd of players as the half drew to a close. 

The set up for the second half was pretty simple. Two banks of four between AFC and the goal, Brown coming back on for the tireless Hoque and use Martin’s pace on the counter. This nearly yielded instant dividends when Martin went streaking away down the left, producing an excellent cross which Brown met at the far post but he was denied by a fine save. 

AFC didn’t heed that warning and remarkably, the 10 men doubled their advantage 15 minutes into the second half through the same combination, Martin playing in Brown who rounded the keeper before slotting home. 

The hosts threw another striker on and McCarthy confirmed his selection as his sides man of the match with three superb saves, the best of which saw him pushing an effort that came through a crowd of players around the post at full stretch. 

While we were provided with an eight point guide about what footwear could and could not be used on the Culver Road pitch. There was however no guidance as to where you could and could not be sick; it was almost as if the Sussex FA don’t expect players who are hungover to play at their showcase ground. They have certainly not through of Jacquesy who continued his fine record of throwing up every other game by dawdling off to the side of the pitch and being violently ill, the contents of which included half an undigested bacon sandwich he gleefully informed us afterwards, leaving us to defend with nine men for five minutes. 

Somehow, we rode out that two man disadvantage and introduced further subs in Jon Ballantyne, Sam Lowe and Dave Linehan to help with manning the barricades. Linehan in particular put his body on the line, lasting just 10 minutes before ripping eight layers of skin off his knee in a slide challenge. He was replaced by Jacauesy who no longer was carrying around several pigs in his stomach. 

AFC set up a nervy last 15 minutes when they pulled one back from the spot, qualified referee Britton tripping a man in the box with Rook tucking away the penalty. 

It was real backs to the wall stuff after that with some quite glorious time wasting tactics. Ballantyne decided he needed to wipe the ball every time he took a throw despite the pitch being dryer than Ghandi’s flip flop and both McCarthy and Humphrey required lengthy treatment for injuries. Let us just say that Daniel Day-Lewis is unlikely to be worried about either of them overhauling his record of three Best Male Actor Oscars. 

With AFC pouring forward, the Fatboys sewed up victory in added on time (which we had contributed at least 10 minutes to). Brown sent Britton away and as he bore down on goal from the right, memories of an almost identical situation from pre season came flooding back when Britton tried to shoot with his right foot but only succeeded in falling over his own leg. There was no repeat of that here, Britton producing a quite beautiful finish with the outside of his left boot that curled around the keeper and nestled into the bottom corner of the net to spark wild scenes of celebration. 

The champions were largely magnanimous in defeat with manager Ian South tweeting that the result was fully deserved, although there was one fantastic complaint that we hadn’t tried to play football by just defending so deep. Yeah mate, because when you’ve got two centre backs who make an Eddie Stobart lorry trundling up Mount Everest look like Usain Bolt, you want to be playing a high line on the biggest pitch in the world. 

The result keeps the Fatboys top of the table after three games and resulted in Hayley Elphick buying a £70 round with a drink for every player in the Club afterwards. The Impossible Dream continues