Organised Kingston come back to beat Fatboys

Kingston, Jamaica has given the world Bob Marley, Chris Gayle and John Barnes. Kingston, Lewes may be lacking in comparison, but Hassocks Fatboys discovered on Sunday that it has given the world the most well organised Sunday League team in existence.

It’s hard to remember the last time the Fatboys only had one shot on goal in a game. In fact, I don’t think it has ever happened before; even last season when we were getting hammered at the start of the campaign we were still scoring goals even if near double figures were flying in at the other end on a weekly basis. 

Yet Kingston were so well organised that we only had one opportunity which Andy Brown took to give the men in green a 1-0 half time lead. Two brilliant second half goals from Freddie Speak turned the tie around and gave the Villagers a 2-1 win which sent them to the top of the Sussex Sunday League Premier Division table, four points clear of the Fatboys in third. 

The earlier kick off time of 10am owing to Brighton playing Everton at lunch time confused plenty of people, as did the fact there was a rugby tournament on at Waterhall. Adult football, kids football, rugby tournament and Mill Road being shut for Park and Ride led to the sort of chaotic scenes getting in and out that you more commonly associate with a high profile Hollywood film producer in a room full of young actresses.

And arriving at the Amex 20 minutes after the Brighton game had kicked off later in the day wasn’t the only disaster of the day. There were missing linesman flags, some wally deciding to use 33 pegs on one goal and only five on the other and the late withdrawal of Arni Kublickas.

Arni had been on a mini stag do for himself the night before which just so happened to coincide with him twinging his groin at 3am in the morning. It was actually a relief to hear that this was the case rather than the rumour doing the rounds that Boris Johnson had personally hunted down the former Lithuanian under 21 international in order to deport him and go some way to saving £350m a week for the NHS. 

Kublickas’ absence meant an instant return to the starting line up for Jason Gander, despite the ignominy of losing the final of the Fatboys Beer Pong Tournament last week to a bloke who doesn’t even play for the Fatboys. Rob Lloyd made his first start for the firsts since the opening day of the season in place of Michael Russell who has rested and Kieran Poulton was handed a full debut out on the right. 

It isn’t an exaggeration to say that literally nothing happened for the first 20 minutes. Both teams moved the ball around well but met resolute defences, which was particularly pleasing from a Fatboys point of view given we had shipped seven goals in our previous two games. The closest either side came to opening the scoring was when Kingston forced Scott McCarthy into a low sprawling save to his right at the expense of a corner. 

The centre of the park was particularly congested in the first half, largely due to Sam Lowe’s work rate and the returning Jack Lewis doing what Jack Lewis does best – no, not looking like Beppe di Marco but tackling anything that moves. Kingston had their own presence in there as well, the wonderfully named Dougal.

Dougal won everything in the air until John Humphrey’s second half introduction, and even then he gave the Fatboys diamond head a run for his money. The Fatboys token Irish man Chris Britton was particularly delighted to come up against an opponent named after one of the residents of Craggy Island which made this a good week for Britton as he also surprised everyone by announcing on Wednesday that he was in a relationship. With a girl. 

All this congestion meant that out wide was the best route to goal and while Lloyd and in particular Ananda Hoque were dealing with their tricky wingers admirably, Poulton down the right was putting in a real shit with some excellent whipped balls in which only needed a touch to convert. It will come as little surprise then that the teenager was involved in the Fatboys goal which arrived 10 minutes before the break.

Martin was the architect, his pinged ball hitting Brown in the arm. While it wasn’t a deliberate handball in the Gander sense of the term, it was a bit of a surprise that the referee waved play on with Brown taking full advantage to calmly round the Kingston goalkeeper for 1-0.

There were a couple of changes at the break as Humphrey was thrown on to try and make things a little harder for Dougal in the air and Jon Ballantyne replaced Poulton with Hoque moving forward from right back. 

It took two pieces of real quality in the space of 10 minutes midway through the second half for Kingston to turn the game on its head. The first came when a cross was hung up to the back stick where the striker leapt forwards, arched his body in the air and volleyed the ball in millimetres inside the post. The only way I can describe it was as being like Neo from The Matrix when he is flying through the air in slow motion and kicking Agent Smith in the head, except for on this occasion Agent Smith’s head was the ball. 

If the first goal was a Quench burger then the second was an Uncle Sam’s blue cheeseburger, not quite as good but still bloody impressive; the same striker bringing a heartily hit cross under control with one touch and then spinning to finish on the volley. Just like that, Kingston had turned the game on its head. 

The Fatboys replaced Lowe with Russell, moved Lloyd into midfield, reintroduced Poulton and switched to a 4-3-3 in an attempt to fashion an equaliser but Kingston’s shape became even more rigid and their defending even more resolute. A couple of crosses again lacked a converting touch and a thumping volley from Martin was inches wide.

The Fatboys needed more time and when Gander shouted “come on boys we’ve still got 10 minutes left” we thought we had it. Unfortunately, Gander’s time keeping was nearly as bad as his beer pong skills and the final whistle went within 30 seconds of that bold rallying cry to inflict a second defeat of the season on the Fatboys. 

Line up

Scott McCarthy
One good save turning one around the post. Nothing he could do about the goals
Ananda Hoque
Had a very tricky winger to deal with which he did well in the first half
Jason Gander
Part of a well organised defensive unit. One acrobatic clearance was absolutely ridiculous
Daniel Pidgeon
Reunited with Gander, he showed no signs of his knee problem from the last game
Rob Lloyd
Strong defensively, he added some guile to the midfield in the second half
Kieran Poulton
Caused the left back some headaches which showcased a great delivery
Jack Lewis
Flew into some meaty challenges and linked up well with Brown going forward
Chris Britton
Some great noises and a couple of great runs. Helped Lloyd out defensively
Andy Brown
Added yet another goal to his collection for the season with a cool, calm and collected finish
Peter Martin
Put a shift in up front once again, claiming the assist for Brown’s goal

Subs

John Humphrey
Had a great second half battle with Dougal both in the air and on the ground
Jon Ballantyne
He felt he could’ve done better with the second goal but a good showing at right back
Michael Russell
Used the ball well at left back and tried to support the attack late on

Man of the Match

Only two wonder goals could get past the back four and so in a toss up between Daniel Pidgeon and Jason Gander it just goes to the latter

Goals

Brown 34 (assist Martin)