Late meltdown ends Fatboys George Milyard dreams

It took two hours and 40 minutes for the point of an iceberg to sink the Titanic. It took just 20 minutes for Point to Point to sink Hassocks Fatboys George Milyard Cup dreams. 

With 70 minutes on the clock, the Fatboys were 2-0 ahead and looking comfortable. Cue one absolutely shocking penalty decision and a mental collapse the likes of which we haven’t seen since David Icke announced on live television that he was the son of God and Point were going through to the second round via a 3-2 win. 

This was a strange morning at Preston Park. The pitch was firm underfoot and the sun was bright and low yet Storm Brian was causing havoc and it was pretty obvious that whichever side took greater advantage of the wind would have a better chance of winning the game. Unfortunately, that wasn’t us. 

Perhaps this shouldn’t have come as a surprise. When we lost to Point to Point in pre season, we were all baffled by the fact that their manager had a tactics iPad on the side line. Arriving at Preston Park at the early time of 9.30 to take advantage of the counties second finest cafe serving bacon sandwiches after East Brighton Park, we were unsurprised to see cones and bibs already on the pitch. It wouldn’t have been a shock to find out they also had an expensive Met Office standard barometer to gauge the wind direction (SSE), temperature (cold) and humidity (no idea). 

They were certainly more prepared than the Fatboys were and it’s unlikely they were scrambling around at 9am in the morning trying to find some substitutes. Dave Linehan and Arni Kublickas were the guilty parties who pulled out hours before the kick off with Ananda Hoque climbing off his deathbed and Chris Clayton delaying his departure to the NFL at Twickenham in order to help out. 

At least we had a pleasant kit to put on. While Nick Davie couldn’t be bothered to wash the reserve team shorts, let alone dry any of it, 45-year-old John Humphrey had separated the first team kit into three bags and given it a healthy dose of fabreeze. We looked and felt great. 

That was until Kieran Poulton broke his nose in the warm up. Quite what Peter Martin was doing practicing overhead kicks God only knows, but the end result was him smashing a ball/his foot (we are still awaiting ballistics from the crime scene) into young Kieran’s nose, leading to blood gushing out of it. Remarkably, Poulton not only started the game but he also pushed Humphrey close for man of the match. 

Shocked by the forced cosmetic surgery carried out on the handsome young forward, it was little surprise to see the Fatboys make a terrible start to the game as Point laid siege to the green goal. How they didn’t take the lead is a mystery, with valiant blocks from Jason Gander, Jon Ballantyne, Chris Britton and Scott McCarthy all ensuring parity remained. 

Preston Park is of course a regular summer venue for the Moscow State Circus and anybody passing through could have been forgiven for thinking that they had forgotten to take their human cannonball act with them when they headed back to Russia after Ballantyne flew through the the air as if fired out of a cannon and straight into an horrific two footed challenge on a Point midfielder.

The yellow card came straight out and what was even more ridiculous than the initial challenge was the fact that Ballantyne had the nerve to moan at the decision, a move that instantly took a top five position in the Bally Speaking Bollocks List. No mean feat when you consider that list also contains such nonsense as genuinely considering marrying McCarthy for tax purposes in 2015. 

One thing that tackle/assault did do was slow the game down, allowing the Fatboys to come back into it and they had a couple of decent chances through Jordan Walsh and Martin as they begun to realise that Brian could be a real help if the ball was tossed up into him.

Long throws in particular looked like a route to goal and this is where Britton provided one of the best moments of the season so far, waving everyone forward from the back as he prepared to launch a long throw into the box, only for the qualified referee to produce a short foul throw to Michael Russell with Gander, Ballantyne, Humphrey et all stood completely shocked in the box by this turn of events.

The lead arrived shortly after that. Humphrey got clattered when winning the ball in midfield in the build up to the goal but the referee played a fantastic advantage, allowing the Fatboys to break through Michael Russell, Andy Brown, Poulton and Martin who eventually played Brockes in one-on-one with the Goblin slotting calmly past the keeper. 

Bizarrely, the Point striker had a meltdown that we hadn’t kicked the ball out of play so our own player could receive treatment. He seemed to be the only one to think that we shouldn’t have been allowed to carry on despite the fact we were actually disadvantaging ourselves with Martin politely informing him as we were trotting off for half time that he should consult the rules of the game on the tactics iPad. 

Defending Brian in the second half of the game looked an onerous task yet really the Fatboys should have been out of sight by the time Point were able to launch their comeback. Brockes and Martin both squandered one-on-ones that would’ve put the game to bed after Walsh had latched onto a Brown pass to mark his return from suspension by rounding the goalkeeper and rolling home.

Then came that penalty decision. Regular readers of the match report will know that we like nothing more than a deliberate handball in the box from Jason Gander, so it pains me to say that this wasn’t a deliberate handball and it wasn’t in the box. Gander must have been a good five feet outside the area and turned his back to the shot yet the referee – who lest we forget must have had a cracking view from his position on the halfway line at the time – awarded the penalty and Point had one back. 

We had spoken before the game about not getting on the referees back even when an inevitable terrible decision was made as history suggests that the rare times we do go mad at the official, we fail to concentrate on our games and get punished. 

Lo and behold the referee began copping the blame for everything that went wrong after that, yet it took until a couple of minutes before time for Point to equalise, a ball forward from out on the right being carried by Brian over the head of the static Fatboys defence and onto the foot of the striker who hit a fantastic and very crisp first time volley past McCarthy. 

That looked as though it would mean a penalty shoot out but there was one final sting in the tail, Point breaking again as the otherwise outstanding Britton was unlucky to misjudge a bouncing ball over his head, leading to a one-on-one. The striker unselfishly squared and despite the best efforts of the late arriving Gander to bring the man down – he was rather sportingly called a fat c**to after by our less than gracious opponents – the chance was converted and the Fatboys George Milyard Cup dreams were over for another season. 

Line up

Scott McCarthy
Looked assured dealing with the high ball in the wind. Nothing he could do with goals
Jon Ballantyne
Audition for a roll as a human cannonball with the Moscow State Circus went well
Jason Gander
For once no blame attached for the penalty. Another solid showing in defence
Chris Britton
Outstanding bar that last minute mishap. Another foul throw for the collection
Michael Russell
Used the ball well and made a couple of vital blocks in the second half
Peter Martin
Claimed an assist from out on the right where he caused his full back great trouble
Andy Brown
Sent Walsh away for the second in a deeper role than which he has played recently
John Humphrey
Disciplined performance in the centre of the park, his best yet for the club
Kieran Poulton
Didn’t let the warm up shenanigans in which be broke his nose worry him, pushing close for MOM
Joe Brockes
The Goblin returned to the side with a typically cool finish. Ran himself into the ground
Jordan Walsh
Scored & didn’t punch anyone in the face so this was an improvement on his last game

Subs

Ananda Hoque
Bailed us out by showing up despite being ill. Had a good run out on the right
Sam Lowe
Took a nasty whack on the ankle in the midfield battle late on
Chris Clayton
Wasn’t able to make much impression defending the wind unfortunately

Man of the Match

Given the blow he took to the face before the game, Kieran Poulton was excellent but John Humphrey dominated the midfield. You wouldn’t know he was 45.

Goals

Brockes 38 (assist Martin), Walsh 59 (assist Brown)

Bookings

Ballantyne, being fired out of a cannon into an an opponent