Halloween horror show as Hart hit Fatboys for six
There were terrifying scenes in the Top House on Saturday night where, among others, Kim Jong-un, Adolf Hitler, a couple of people from Game of Thrones who I don’t know the names of and Chris Britton wearing a police hat gathered for the Hassocks Fatboys Halloween Party.
The scary theme continued onto Sunday morning, where the Fatboys put in a chillingly poor performance to go down 6-4 to reigning Lewes League champions White Hart at a windy Peacehaven Sports Park. The men in green were terrible in easily their worst performance of the season, but believe it or not, it could have been a lot worse.
We were halfway to Peacehaven when Joe Brockes muttered the words, “Shit lads, I’ve forgotten the kit.” Brockesy had taken his turn to do the wash this week and despite purposefully putting the bag in front of his front door so he would have to clamber over it when leaving, he had managed to leave it in his porch.
That meant a mad dash back to Burgess Hill and then an even madder dash back to Peacehaven. Things were complicated further by the fact that we were seconds away from being involved in a crash that left a car perfectly positioned on its side on the side of the road, with the driver casually climbing out the window and wandering off as if he was perfectly parked and heading to the shops for some milk. A very strange journey indeed.
At least Kieran Poulton didn’t get kicked in the face by Peter Martin in the warm up this week, largely because there wasn’t actually any time to warm up what with the kit not getting there until 15 minutes before kick off. While the preparation may have been chaotic, the Fatboys were actually naming an unchanged starting XI for the first time since April 2015 when they lifted the Division Three title. Scott McCarthy, Andy Brown, Brockes and Jon Ballantyne were the survivors from that game two and a half years ago.
It was an extremely even first half which really suggests that the Fatboys did not make the most of the wind at all when it was in their favour. Jordan Walsh looked more isolated up front than the man he’d come dressed as the previous evening does on the international stage and the good deliveries put in from wide areas by Peter Martin and Kieran Poulton were being gobbled up easily by the White Hart goalkeeper.
He made one decent first half stop from Brockes while McCarthy at the other end also made a good save down to his right at full stretch. The back four of Jon Ballantyne, Jason Gander, Britton and Michael Russell looked fairly comfortable save for one lack of concentration on the 30 minute mark for which they were duly punished when a White Hart player was able to ghost past three men and slam a shot into the bottom corner.
The Fatboys equalised just before half time with a piece of magic from Brockes which went some way to make up for the kit cock up. Martin had got away down the right and his ball in could only be helped on by the White Hart defender to be virtually on the goal line. It didn’t appear to be anywhere near an acceptable angle to be shooting from, but goblins don’t play by the laws of human geometry and Brockes bent the ball into the goal past a disbelieving goalkeeper.
Defending the wind in the second half looked an onerous task and so the Fatboys made a number of changes at the break to try and cope with it, Jack Lewis, Dave Linehan and Rob Lloyd all entering proceedings. Ballantyne was one of the players who was withdrawn citing a pulled arse, something he hasn’t suffered with since waking up in that hairdressers shower several years ago.
It became very clear very quickly that White Hart were going to be far more adept at playing with the wind than we had been. Britton set the tone for things early on when he surrendered possession and managed to string together eight different swear words in a sentence, including four that had probably never been used as adjectives in the history of the great English language up until that point.
The hosts took the lead soon after the restart, McCarthy showing a misjudgement similar to the man he had come dressed as the previous evening did when invading Russia by coming to claim a high ball in the wind which ended up looping straight over him and in.
Remarkably, we equalised almost instantly. 45 year old John Humphrey and his diamond head were proving to be a real asset in midfield in terms of winning things in the air and he flicked one header onto Lloyd who played a delightful ball over the top. Martin – now playing as the lone striker following Walsh’s withdrawal – latched onto the pass and calmly slotted home for 2-2.
A glut of goals followed from White Hart; a stupid free kick given away in a dangerous position that was bent into the top corner, an effort on the volley from a runner nobody picked up and a goal mouth scramble fired home. Britton had run out of swear words by that point with Daniel Pidgeon replacing him after missing the last game networking with his family at Thorpe Park. Sam Lowe also entered the action in place of Russell for a stint in his favoured left back position and Poulton returned on the right.
Those three goals in 10 minutes could have led to a scoreline akin to last seasons 7-1’s, 8-1’s and 12-2’s but that they didn’t came largely due to the link up between Lloyd and Poulton as the Fatboys pulled another two back.
Martin was the architect of the first, sending Andy Brown away who coolly rolled past the advancing goalkeeper for 5-3. White Hart made it 6-3 with a goal that unfortunately I remember nothing about and Brown added his second and the Fatboys fourth late on, Lloyd claiming another assist with a ball that Brown bought down on his chest, lifted over a defender and then hit on the volley. Think Gazza against Scotland and you are close.
By this point, most of the Fatboys subs and spectators had given up on our game and taken their attention across to the kids game on the next door pitch, which in fairness was fascinating. A dodgy penalty gave one side an equaliser in the 88th minute, in the 89th minute the other team went back ahead with a worldie from 45 yards, and then in the 90th minute there was another dodgy penalty and another chance to equalise. Only this time, the ball was ballooned miles over the bar as the final whistle blew.
Justice done there perhaps. And it was certainly justice that White Hart won this one as the Fatboys slump continues. What a Halloween horror show.
Line up
Scott McCarthy
Pulled one one fine save but coped with the second half wind as well as the Germany army and a Russian winter
Jon Ballantyne
A solid 45 minute showing bar the moment he fell over absolutely nothing
Jason Gander
Good first half but another who struggled with the wind in the second
Chris Britton
A quite spectacular amount of swearing which was even remarkable given he only played an hour
Michael Russell
The best defender on show on the day, it was a blow to lose him to another injury in the second half
Peter Martin
A goal and an assist and all that despite playing with a knee injury
Andy Brown
Looked much better when moved into the hole behind the striker in the second half, recording another two goals
John Humphrey
His head was a vital ingredient in the second half. Played all 90 minutes, not bad for a man who is 45
Kieran Poulton
Claimed his first Fatboys MOM with a display full of daring down both flanks
Joe Brockes
How he got the ball into the back of the net from virtually on the goal line remains a mystery
Jordan Walsh
A hard working hour but a largely frustrating morning for the striker
Subs
Jack Lewis
“That is the most miserable I’ve ever felt playing football” summed up Jack’s morning
Rob Lloyd
An invigorating 45 minutes at right back in which he managed to claim 2 assists
Dave Linehan
Added some bite out wide and played a couple of threaded passes through
Daniel Pidgeon
A difficult game to come into but he did help steady a pretty leaning ship
Sam Lowe
A solid 20 minutes at left back. Not his favoured position but he did well
Man of the Match
It was a pretty poor day at the office with Kieran Poulton being the pick of the bunch for an enterprising showing down the flanks
Goals
Brockes 41 (assist defender), Martin 56 (assist Lloyd), Brown 77 (assist Martin), Brown 85 (assist Lloyd)