Lewis and Brockes help Fatboys out of Hove hole

After scraping through to the next round of the Sussex Sunday League Trophy with a 2-1 win against Division Two side Hove, I’ve decided to put as much effort into writing this match report as we put into the game. Here goes…

It was cold. Hove sat 10 men behind the ball deeper than even Jason Gander plays. We couldn’t use our favoured tactic of getting in around the back with pace, as to get in around the back would’ve meant being in Patcham.

Fatboys couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo for the first 30 minutes. Actually, couldn’t hit an elephants arse with a grand piano. Probably didn’t help Jordan Walsh and Chris Britton were helping the reserves out of their selection crisis.

Daniel Pidgeon and Scott McCarthy should not be playing one-twos when McCarthy is out on the left wing. Yes, he was supposed to be in goal. In fact, they shouldn’t pass to each other at all. Especially when McCarthy has a left foot about as good as Heather Mills’.

Jon Ballantyne and Gary Whittington switched full back positions. Whittington was good on the right despite not having a right foot. Ballantyne put in some good crosses. And shanked a couple miles over the bar.
Sam Lowe used the ball well. Peter Martin kept running. Ananda Hoque beat three men on a run down the right. It was good.

Jack Lewis opened the scoring. Martin set it up. Think Lewis did something at the back post, like a volley maybe. Nice goal for his first for the club though. Just after 30 minutes.

Joe Brockes got the second. Martin again with the assist. Good finish from Brockes, smashed it like his bank account gets smashed at the Grosvenor’s roulette table.

Half time no changes. Defending the wind for the second half though which would be more difficult. Be more clinical, up it by at least 40% and don’t concede we said at half time.

Conceded within 10 minutes. Striker waltzed through a few men. Bent it into the top corner. Hove more of an attacking threat. Still very deep.

Dan Jacques, Kieran Poulton and Sam Holman came on. Holman’s first game back since his wedding. Congratulations Sam and Kezzy. Jacquesy went to Pie Night in the Club the previous evening. Ate so much pie and beer he threw up everywhere as he left. Classic Jacquesy.

Pidgeon nearly had an own goal. Loads of chances at the other end for us. Martin rounded the keeper, open goal and passed to Poulton. Who passed to Brown. Who passed to Jacques. Who passed to Brockesy. Who passed back to Brown. JUST SHOOT. They did. We missed.

Brown took one in the bollocks. James Ballantyne running the line puts up his hood and hides in the bushes to avoid having to come on.

Hove should have equalised. Twice. McCarthy made a good save. Only Hove striker reacted. Centre of goal, McCarthy stranded. Blazed wide.

Last minute. Cross from the right. Header at the near post from the Hove striker. Inches away. Gander does well to put him off.

Final whistle goes. Sighs of relief. Job done but only just. Grated cheese at the club to have in baguettes though.

Hove Lawns in the next round. Must do better. Local derby with Pink Flamingos next week. Definitely must do better.

Line up

Scott McCarthy
Good save low down. Seemed to lose the use of his legs whenever Pidgeon passed back
Jon Ballantyne
The rare sight of a sober Bally. Got forward well from right back to deliver some great balls
Daniel Pidgeon
Enjoyed the extra time he had on the ball to play some delightful passes. Defended pretty solidly
Jason Gander
Quiet first half but did everything he needed to do under pressure in the second
Gary Whittington
Took up some interesting positions, summed up by the line “Don’t know what I’m doing on the right, but I like it there.”
Jack Lewis
Delightful finish at the back post for his first goal for the Fatboys. Beat Gander to MOM
Andy Brown
Drove the team on before being removed with a testicle related injury in the second half
Sam Lowe
Clever use of the ball on his promotion from the reserves. Linked well with Brockes in particular
Ananda Hoque
Another strong showing on the right. Couple of runs around multiple men were a delight
Peter Martin
Two assists for the on fire striker. Passing with an open goal was however questionable
Joe Brockes
No nonsense finish from the Goblin who was involved in most good stuff going forward

Subs

Sam Holman
Great to have him back after his recent nuptails. Helped the side get hold of the ball more
Dan Jacques
Throwing up six pies last night helped as he covered plenty of ground when introduced
Kieran Poulton
Used his pace and trickery to try and break through the stodgy Hove defence
James Ballantyne
Unused

Man of the Match

Nobody really covered themselves in glory but Jason Gander had a solid game with Jack Lewis just ahead for his first goal for the club

Goals

Lewis 31 (assist Martin), Brockes 41 (assist Martin)