Flamingos fly to turn Mid Sussex pink

For the first time ever, Hassocks Fatboys came into a B2116 Derby above Pink Flamingos in the Sussex Sunday League Premier Division table. It mattered not however as the result was a familiar one, Flamingos winning 4-0 on this occasion to ensure that Mid Sussex is pink for now.

Having won three games in a row, the Fatboys came into the tie in their best form of the season. Flamingos meanwhile were struggling in the league, not helped by not being able to put out what they would probably consider a full strength team so far. Typically, some of the big guns came back to face the Fatboys and it showed as they were deserved winners.

Nobody in green was particularly bad, but nobody was particularly good either. Flamingos certainly dealt with the Fairfield Rec pitch better, which was heavier than the Fatboys regular female conquest in Jacobs Post circa 2013-14. Actually, our passing was looser than her as well so you could say that this was a performance in her honour all round.

While the pitch and the Fatboys passing may have been Sunday League, thankfully the referee wasn’t. The shortage of available officials has been a real problem in the Sussex Sunday League so far this season, but we were very lucky here to have a Premier League referee running the show. His professionalism was such that he made every substitute enter play from the halfway line and give their name, failing to see that this was very time consuming and very boring when it is rolling subs.

He booked Chris Britton for a tackle despite both teams begging him not to cost the Northern Irishman a tenner. I don’t actually know why we appealed that as Britton is; A) a horrible basatard, and B) not short of a few bob as a fully paid up member of the DUP who only have that £1bn floating around in the coffers from the government.

His best moment though came when he attempted to wave on a trainer after a Pinks player picked up an injury, leading to the inspired shout from James Shaw in the opposition goal of, “Ref, you’re waving somebody on who doesn’t exist.”

All that being said, it wasn’t the referees fault that we went into the break 3-0 behind. In fact, without him it could have been even worse as he ruled out a Tom Deveson effort that received a very generous offside flag and he could’ve awarded at least one penalty for a rash lunge at Luke Martin from Scott McCarthy.

Oh, and then McCarthy picked up a loose clearance from Britton, leading the excitable Pinks manager to demand punishment. Anyone who has watched Britton play will know that had that been a deliberate back pass, it wouldn’t have gone anywhere near McCarthy. In fact, it would’ve gone out for either a corner or, more likely, an own goal.

It was Martin who opened the scoring in emphatic style when he bought down a cross from the right wing and buried a volley past McCarthy with around 20 minutes played. Jon Ballantyne had got the feintest of hairs onto the cross but it wasn’t enough to divert the ball away from Martin who finished with aplomb.

Some wondered whether it would have been different had one of the first teams other right backs, namely Michael Russell or Rob Lloyd started, but that rather ignores the point that Ballantyne got a hair on it, something the other two would’ve been incapable of doing due to being challenged in that particular department.

Deveson then saw his effort chalked off for offside and Pidgeon made a brilliant block on the line while doing a passable impression of John Travolta dancing to Night Fever. Jason Gander and Gary Whittington both had to make a couple of last ditch challenges with most of the Fatboys good stuff coming through Sam Holman who delighted in threading balls through for Peter Martin to chase which he did with glee.

Flamingos second arrived just past the half hour mark when Brockes uncharacteristically gave away possession and a swift counter ended with the ball in the net. Shaw got lucky at the other end when a long Whittington throw flew over his head but Mike Williamson was there to block on the line and McCarthy chose the unusual technique of diving full length to save a free kick with his penis. This led to some horrific anti-Semitic abuse. An FA statement said afterwards “We are investigating allegations of religious abuse, although it is highly unusual for the complaint to be made from a goalkeeper towards his own right back.”

The third goal for the Pinks did arrive from a free kick, Martin’s efforts to race back from the right wing and make a tackle on the left hand edge of the Fatboys box were rewarded with nothing but a foul with Lewis Westlake sending the resulting set piece into the top corner just before the break.

Defending Mount Hurst in the second half looked an onerous task but the Fatboys only conceded once more. McCarthy did well to push a low Louis Pople strike onto the post at full stretch which seemed to surprise everyone bar Ed Bartram who reacted to tap in the loose ball.

It was a difficult morning for the front three and especially Jordan Walsh who was effectively playing on one leg, given that his thigh complaint seems to get no better. This also gave him a convenient excuse when he smashed the much loved blue ball into a garden in the warm up. Walsh has now lost around seven balls in warm ups so far this season, which could be a potential tattoo based bet for the next campaign.

We did manage to create a few chances late on once Kieran Poulton and Ananda Hoque had entered the fray. Both saw good efforts blocked while Andy Brown and Martin weren’t far away with whistling distance attempts and there were also significant run outs for John Humphrey and Russell.

Line up

Scott McCarthy
Couple of saves that could be put in the unorthordox category. Lucky not to give away a penalty on Martin
Jon Ballantyne
Took one of the best foul throws of the season before cackling manically to himself
Daniel Pidgeon
Showed dance moves honed over many years in Pulse to produce a brilliant goal line block
Jason Gander
Won plenty of ball before sending it forward, only to see it coming straight back again
Gary Whittington
A few good slide tackles. Withdrew himself going up the hill which was wise given his injury record
Andy Brown
Not his best game but still had a few opportunities to get his name on the score sheet
Chris Britton
Unlucky to be booked. Got through a lot of work snapping at peoples heels
Sam Holman
Used the ball better than any of his team mates in a hard working game in midfield
Peter Martin
Easily the hardest working player in green on a difficult day for the front three
Jordan Walsh
Lasted 55 minutes before his injury became too much. Lost yet another football in the warm up
Joe Brockes
Nearly beat Shaw at his near post with a cheeky effort in his best sight of goal

Subs

Kieran Poulton
Got involved straight away out on the right with a couple of probing runs
Ananda Hoque
Looked lively in an advanced role. Denied by Shaw when well placed
Michael Russell
Put simply, it was 0-0 with him on the pitch as he liked to tell us all in the Club after
John Humphrey
Some trademark headers and moaning but a disappointing lack of catch phrases

Man of the Match

Peter Martin put in the most work but such was the “nobody good, nobody terrible” nature of the game that it was decided the award would go to Michael Russell afterwards for 30 flawless minutes.

Bookings

Britton, minor foul from a qualified referee