Ruthless Rudgwick end Fatboys County Cup dreams

Peter Martin to Jack Lewis; Lewis to John Humphrey; Rudgwick player intercepts and passes it to right wing; right winger goes down the line and crosses; Rudgwick striker heads home.

30 words and about 15 seconds. That is all it took for Rudgwick Panthers to take the lead in our first ever County Cup Quarter Final. Hassocks Fatboys have always been notoriously slow starters to games; previous highlights include Jon Ballantyne scoring own goals inside of 30 seconds of the first game of the season for two years running and in our first game of pre-season this season we went 4-0 down inside of half an hour against a team from a division below.

Having not played for three weeks, there was always the risk that the Fatboys would be a little rusty but this was a spectacularly shit start even by our high standards. Things didn’t get much better as 90 seconds after Rudgwick took the lead, Ballantyne gave away a penalty which was easily converted.

The clock hadn’t even made it to five minutes when it was 3-0 to the hosts, a free kick being delivered that Humphrey headed past McCarthy and into the top corner for his first own goal of the season. Before a quarter of an hour was played it was 4-0 when the Rudgwick winger danced his way around three challenges and slammed one into the bottom corner.

A miserable opening 20 minutes was rounded off nicely when Jordan Walsh was forced off with injury. Walsh shouldn’t have even started the game with his long standing ankle complaint having not cleared up over Christmas, but the Fatboyys were down to the bare bones. Chris Britton was skiing, Sam Holman and Kieran Poulton both pulled out with illness, Ananda Hoque was only fit enough for a place on the bench following the return of his tuberculosis and Dan Jacques was pissed somewhere.

We were grateful then that the reserve teams game was called off, meaning that Stuart Young and Nick Davie could fill the substitutes bench. Young impressed in a 30 minute second half run out to leave second team boss Jamie Stratton having kittens that we might pinch him every week from now on while Davie actually scored a goal, which you’ve probably heard about given he was seen skipping down Lindfield High Street on Sunday evening singing “The sun has got his hat on” and kissing random strangers while telling them about his world class strike.

After falling 4-0 down we belatedly began playing and Andy Brown pulled one back. Michael Russell showed his usual composure on the ball to deliver a beautiful cross from left back which found Brown and he finished with aplomb past the Rudgwick goalkeeper. The hosts stopper then did well to deny Martin who then played in Joe Brockes but he dragged just wide of the post.

At the other end, the Fatboys were consistently giving away free kicks in dangerous positions which was proving a particular threat due to the fact that the goals at Rudgwick were more like rugby posts, being at least seven feet tall. This is apparently because the Panthers have to take the goals down after every game and at night, teenagers come along and the fill the holes with concrete. Clearly there is a severe lack of entertainment for young people in Rudgwick as I can’t ever remember me or my friends thinking in our youth “What shall we do tonight? I know, lets take our cement mixer out and fill in some holes”.

Given that McCarthy couldn’t reach the crossbar even if he doubled in height, it was surely just a matter of time until he was lobbed or to give it the correct technical term, had a Jonesy. One free kick from close range provided the best opportunity of a Jonesy happening in the first half, but the Fatboys keeper did superbly to get across and claw it out of the top corner.

A half time switch to 4-3-3 saw Hoque and Brockes moved further forward to support Martin and Brown drop back into the centre of the park where the resulting congestion meant Rudgwick were unable to sweep the ball around with as much ease as they had in the first half. At the back, Jason Gander and Daniel Pidgeon were getting to grips with the bloke who made the Empire State Building look like Warwick Davies.

We were pretty unlikely to get back into the game but any lingering hopes were dashed when the referee awarded a second penalty of the game, this time against Gander whose vehement appeals earned him a place in the book and a £10 fine which means that Bet365 can expect some good turnover on this weeks dog racing from Crayford as he attempts to win the money to pay it. The Rudgwick striker meanwhile blasted the penalty into the top corner, which of course means that had we been playing in a regulation size goal, it would’ve flown over the bar and probably taken out a plane making its final approach to Gatwick.

It was a similar story for Rudgwick’s sixth as this time the bloke bent an effort into the nine foot high stanchion. Sam Lowe and Gary Whittington joined the action at that point and Martin and Hoque both went close when put through. With 10 minutes to go, Brockes drew a superb save from the Rudgwick goalkeeper after cutting in from the left and firing off a bending effort that looked to be destined for the top corner until it was tipped away at the expense of a corner.

Martin delivered the resulting set piece and Pidgeon met it with a flying volley but was fouled in the process. The referee was quick to point to the spot, too quick in fact as Pidgeon’s blistering effort actually went in. With regular penalty taker Walsh off the pitch, Martin who had taken over the captaincy following Brown’s departure from the action handed the ball to Davie.

If the young reserve team full back was feeling any sense of nervousness at the chance to score his first goal for the club, he wasn’t showing it and he coolly stroked the ball into the bottom corner, sending the goalkeeper the wrong way in the process.

That was the end of the scoring and this was a disappointing way for the Fatboys County Cup journey to come an end although it should be said that Rugdwick were the best side we have faced so far this season. There were some positives for the long journey home; if we’d avoided not scored an own goal, conceded two penalties or played with posts borrowed from Twickenham we’d have drawn 2-2. And we got to tick off a new pre-game McDonalds, the A24 restaurant at Buck Barns Crossroad which received a solid 7/10 for its drive thru breakfast offering.

Line Up

Scott McCarthy
Claimed a few crosses well & pulled off one terrific save from a close range free kick
Jon Ballantyne
Recovered well from a classic Bally start of giving away a penalty inside of two minutes
Daniel Pidgeon
The best of the back four on a difficult afternoon. Great volley that was disallowed just before the penalty
Jason Gander
A trademark Gander booking but he put in a number of important blocks and challenges
Michael Russell
Returned to the side with a composed showing at left back including notching an assist
Jordan Walsh
Lasted 20 minutes on the right before his injury flared up again resulting in his withdrawal
Jack Lewis
Put in some stern challenges in midfield and used the ball well linking with Brockes
John Humphrey
Added another impressive own goal to his growing collection. Got stuck in on a tough day
Joe Brockes
Struggled on the left wing but had two good chances saved once pushed up front in the second half
Andy Brown
Scored his ninth of the season with a delightful finish despite playing through injury
Peter Martin
Another tireless showing up top. His corner earned the penalty for the Fatboys second

Subs

Ananda Hoque
Suffering with illness, he played for 70 out on the right. Couple of half chances in that time
Stuart Young
A solid first team debut in the middle of the park. Can we have him every week?
Sam Lowe
Used the ball neatly, including sending Davie on a couple of rampages from left back
Gary Whittington
Took over ably from Gander. Described himself as being “disgusted” at Davie taking the penalty
Nick Davie
A day that will forever be remembered for his first ever Fatboys goal

Man of the Match

The start was absolutely shocking but after that, Peter Martin put in plenty of hard work but Michael Russell had another composed shift at left back.

Goals

Brown 27 (assist Martin), Davie 81 (assist Martin)

Bookings

Gander, relentless complaining