Walking wounded push league leaders all the way

If the BBC wanted to film an episode of Casualty on the cheap, they should’ve been at Happy Valley for Hassocks Fatboys 4-2 defeat against AFC 2015.

Amongst the Fatboys who turned up to face the Premier Division leaders, we had broken toes (Scott McCarthy), strained groins (Andy Brown), damaged ankles (Jordan Walsh), shin splints (Joe Brockes), new found baldness (Brockesy again) injured knees (Peter Martin, spectating) and Gary Whittington who is just a walking list of ailments in human form.

Given that as recently ago as two months we had 20 players available for first team duty, it is remarkable how quickly things have deteriorated. Things weren’t helped by a couple of drop outs on the morning of the game with a special mention going to Sam Lowe, who showed great organisational skills by asking if anyone could give him a lift at 9.20am. For a 9.30am meet. Half an hours drive from Hassocks.

All this meant we went into the game with a squad of 13. It would’ve been worse had we not taken advantage of Nick Davie being on laundry leave for the reserves to get him to run the line or secured the deadline day signing of Oli Cleland. Last time Cleland pulled on a Fatboys shirt in 2015, he turned up dressed as a French Maid having not gone home from a fancy dress party the previous evening. There was unfortunately no repeat of that this time but it was a fruitful mornings work for the right back as he picked up Gaz’s selection for man of the match.

AFC completed their usual warm up featuring multiple balls, bibs, cones and a PowerPoint presentation on the Fatboys strengths (long ball) and weaknesses (anything that isn’t long ball) while we spent most of that time trying to find something to tie the nets up with, eventually settling on the unorthodox choice of shoe laces. More Gorilla Tape will be needed for next week as Brighton and Hove Council’s ludicrous decision to supply each club with a set of goal nets and nothing else continues to eat into our finances. The stock price of those involved in the tape industry meanwhile continues to rise.

Unsurprisingly given the contrasting preparations of the two teams, AFC dominated the early stages of the game and took the lead inside of 10 minutes through a well worked passing move that ended with a shot which Michael Russell deflected past Scott McCarthy.

1-0 was soon 2-0, a well worked goal ending with a looping header at the back post and all of a sudden we were fearing a cricket score could be on the cards. That we battled back and more than matched AFC for the remaining 75 minutes was of huge encouragement.

We were helped slightly in this by Davie’s performance as linesman. Last time he took on the role against Pink Flamingos, he missed the most blatant offside goal you are ever likely to see and been given much grief for it since. Seemingly to make up for this, his right arm was going up and down more often than a young German’s in the 1930s. This reached its nadir in the second half when Jason Gander shouted out “None of them are offside, I’m playing them all on” and the flag still went up and we still got the offside decision.

One man who certainly didn’t see the funny side was the AFC assistant manager, a hilarious figure who spent most of the game turning redder and redder as he got angrier and angrier. The poor chap seemed to believe he was coaching against Manchester City in the FA Cup Final rather than Hassocks Fatboys in the Sussex Sunday League, with one particular highlight being him telling his side not to get on the referee’s back and then 30 seconds later asking the referee if he was deaf.

This poor chap didn’t enjoy the Fatboys going close to pulling one back when Joe Brockes played in Jordan Walsh who shot wide. Nor did he take much pleasure when Chris Britton went down in the box like Billy Elliott. He wasn’t too happy when Andy Brown delivered a brilliant ball from the right which Britton couldn’t quite connect with either. And he was far from impressed when we did eventuallt pull one back midway through the half.

Joe Brockes swung a corner over from the right which Walsh met with a firm header that was on its way in. The Irish are known for being thieving bastards for a reason and Britton showed why, getting the faintest of leg hairs on the ball to claim the goal. Before this, I’d always put Britton down as a man who shaves his legs, so you learn something new everyday.

At this point, AFC’s backline were making Gander and Daniel Pidgeon look like serious competitors in an Olympic 100m final but that soon changed with one of the older members of their otherwise young team being hauled in favour of injecting a little pace at the back.

AFC’s best chances of the half other than their two goals came through Pidgeon. Pidgeon had one of his best games of the season and nearly capped it with two brilliant own goals, being inches away from turning a low cross in and then putting a bullet header just over the bar.

Brockes’ shin spints became too much at the break and he also complained of a cold head following the previous evenings decision to drunkenly shave off all his hair. Dave Linehan came on in place of the Goblin for his first appearance since October.

It was a game of few chances after that with the Fatboys having a number of penalty appeals waved away ranging from the stonewall (on Walsh) to the absolutely ridiculous (on Britton, needless to say). It was something of a sucker punch when AFC added their third, the striker managing to nip in to score between McCarthy and Pidgeon who only succeeded in taking each other out as they converged on the ball.

The Fatboys second goal was a gift from AFC thanks to defending straight out of the Fatboys Play Book. Michael Russell and Jack Lewis worked the ball to John Humphrey who sent a low cross in. If truth be told, it was actually a terrible cross from Humphrey but the AFC goalkeeper was coming one way to get it and his defender mistakenly was heading the other way while both mistakenly believed that some sort of back pass was on.

All this confusion led to the centre back passing the ball straight past his number one with Linehan gleefully latching onto it. For the first time in his Fatboys career, Linehan man a run with the ball without throwing in 27 stepovers or 14 drag back as he walked it into the empty goal for 3-2.

McCarthy pulled off an outrageous double save after that and Cleland produced a large gasp header to prevent a free header at the back post. AFC turned things up a notch and things got heated in the middle of the park as the gloves came off – literally in Humphrey’s case as he stormed to the sidelines while ripping off his famed gardening gloves and threatening retribution to whichever opponent had directed the highly derogatory insult of “din” towards him.

Any hopes the Fatboys had of rescuing an unlikely point were dashed late on when the AFC striker danced through a couple of tackles to slam one into the bottom corner for 4-2. That made the game safe for the visitors and brought about the introduction of Davie, finally relieving the AFC front line of any more ridiculous off side decisions.

They did have a goal chalked off late on, the referee quite rightly seeing Lewis getting manhandled to the floor at the far post as the match finished 4-2. A harsh result on the men in green but there were plenty of positives for the walking wounded to take into a huge game next week with Real Rosehill.

Line up

Scott McCarthy
Claimed every cross and pulled off one brilliant double stop. Should play every week with a broken toe
Oli Cleland
Added some much needed fitness to the back line with a dashing display to claim MOM
Daniel Pidgeon
Pushed Cleland close for the MOM award. Lots of good blocks & two great OG attempts
Michael Russell
Another solid performance at left back. Showed no sign of ill effects from recent broken fingers
Andy Brown
A real threat from a slightly wider position out on the right. Some great deliveries.
Jack Lewis
Snapped at the heels of AFC players and used the ball well in the centre of the park
John Humphrey
“It’s sad when they have to resort to elbowing a 45 year old.” Couldn’t have put it better, John
Chris Britton
Stole a goal and tried to steal a few penalties in a crime wave inspired performance
Jordan Walsh
Cracking assist for Britton’s goal. Worked hard despite being only 50% fit
Joe Brockes
Could’ve scored five and it still would’ve been overshaddowed by the fact he is now BALD

Subs

Dave Linehan
Marked his first run out since October with a solid 45 up front including a goal
Nick Davie
Sensational linesman performance and managed a shot rampaging forward from right back

Man of the Match

Gary Whittington on the sidelines named his top three as Oli Cleland followed by Daniel Pidgeon followed by Scott McCarthy, which marked a great return to the club for Cleland

Goals

Britton 22 (assist Walsh), Linehan 71 (assist Comedefending)