Dougal dazzles as early goals give Kingston win

Take That sang that it only takes a minute (girl) to fall in love. Hassocks Fatboys showed that it only takes 10 minutes to lose a football match after a horror start against title chasing Kingston Village condemned them to a 2-0 defeat in their penultimate Sussex Sunday League Premier Division game of the season.

This was particularly annoying as for the remaining 70 minutes, the men in green were probably the better side. Certainly in the second half we had more of the ball, largely pinning Kingston back and causing a real fright to one of the better sides in the league. All that was missing was goals, this being a rare occasion when we struggled to score against an admittedly well organised Kingston defence.

With the reserves having a week off, we were back up to the luxury of a 16 man squad thanks to the additions of Stuart Young and Nick Davie from Jamie Stratton’s side. There were also welcome returns for Sam Holman after a suspension that seemed to have dragged on for longer than the War of the Roses, Jason Gander who’s new job as a layer has sorted us out some tasty odds for Cheltenham (three weeks guys!!!!!!), Gary Whittington – no explanation for his absence needed – and Kieran Poulton, who had been coaxed back from his second retirement from the game at the tender age of 19.

The first thing to note on arrival at Lewes was the crowds, with parking so restricted around the Convent Field that many of the Fatboys convoy had to park as far away as Hastings and walk the rest of the way. Surely all these people couldn’t be here for Sussex Sunday League football? Turns out they weren’t – Lewes Ladies were taking on Everton Ladies in the fifth round of the FA Cup at the adjacent Dripping Pan. This made sense as watching the lovely Jodie Brett play for Everton was far more of a draw than seeing the not so lovely Davie running the line.

The second thing to note was how bobbly the pitch was, with renowned lunar expert Buzz Aldrin describing it as “worse than the surface of the moon.” The ball Poulton managed to lose lodged 30 foot up a tree after it bobbled just before he took a shot in the warm up was a warning of what was to come, yet the back four of Ananda Hoque, Gander, Daniel Pidgeon and Whittington decided this was a good day to abandon their normal agricultural style in favour of stroking the ball around the back.

Pidgeon in particular was struggling with the surface to the point where Andy Brown on the sidelines asked him at least five times in the first 10 minutes if he is injured. No, Pidgeon just couldn’t run witout stumbling over like a baby foal. The Fatboys certainly missed the battling qualities of Brown, who’s long term leg problem denied him the chance of making his 100th appearance for the club.

Before kick off, the team were made well aware of the threat of Kingston’s star man, Dougal. He’d run the show against us in the first meeting in October but John Humphrey was still not impressed, stating in typical John fashion “Let me deal with Dougal, I’ll deal with Dougal” while writing a terrible review of Craggy Island Parochial House on Trip Advisor. So passionate was John about the task in hand, it was a surprise not to see that he had bought along a home made sign reading “Down with this sort of thing”.

Unfortunately for the Fatboys, nobody managed to deal with Dougal and inside of five minutes he’d played his part in a well worked passing goal that sliced through the Fatboys defence to give Kingston the lead. Inside of 10 minutes, it was Dougal himself who doubled the lead with a completely free header inside the six yard box from a corner after Scott McCarthy had turned a volley around the post.

Gander produced an even better save than that to block a through ball, picking up a classic Gander booking in the process for deliberate handball which drew much merriment on the sidelines. It was after the Fatboys captains spot of volleyball that we belatedly began to play a bit.

Holman was starting to take control in midfield, showing us what we’ve been missing while he has been banned for the last 73 years and there were chances for Chris Britton who fired over – as a well known fan of Father Ted, possibly put off by Humphrey’s hatred of all things Irish – Jordan Walsh who drew an excellent save from the Kingston goalkeeper and Jamie Partridge who was just wide with a snapshot after a powerful run from Peter Martin.

Whittington showed that talk of a crisis in the NHS is overblown as they clearly still have enough WD40 to oil up joints as he produced a remarkable scissor kick from which there were no ill effects (I’m reliably informed the injury that forced him off early in the second half was unrelated) before half time arrived. Whittington’s place when the vet evntually declared him lame was taken by Young who had never strong showing at left back to leave sheep headed reserves boss Jami Stratton pulling out his wool over the prospect of Young becoming a permanent fixture in the first team.

Poulton’s pace and Dave Linehan’s craft was introduced at the break and it led to a much improved second half performance for the Fatboys. Poulton in particular ran himself into the ground, popping up quite literally everywhere in one of his best performances of the season. If this is his reacton to retiring, we’ll be hoping he quits again a few more times. His link up with Hoque down the right was particularly pleasing for the future of the club given the two of them combined are still younger than Humphrey.

Unfortunately for the Fatboys, despite all their dominantion of possession, clear cut chances were hard to come by against an impressive Kingston backline and we were restricted to what should really be described as a set of half chances for Martin, Britton and Linehan. Set pieces looked the most likely route to a goal as Martin’s deliveries were spot on all morning but despite the panic they induced in the box, nobody was able to take advantage.

In fact, it was Kingston who had the better opportunities in the second half. All this attacking intent left the Fatboys quite exposed at the back with Kingston looking to hit on the counter but they found themselves denied as Pidgeon and Gander made a series of excellent last ditch blocks while McCarthy pulled off four difficult saves on his way to pipping Holman to the man of the mach award.

Line up

Scott McCarthy
Four excellent stops on his way to MOM. Clearly keen to impress Nick Jones watching from the stands
Ananda Hoque
Returned to last seasons position of right back where he had an impressive 90 minutes
Daniel Pidgeon
Struggled as everyone did in the last 10 minutes, after that back to his assured self
Jason Gander
One second half block was Bobby Moore esque. One first half handball would’ve made Maradona blush
Gary Whittington
A solid hours work. They’ll be talking about that overhead kick for years to come
Jamie Partridge
Unlucky not to score on his first start for the club. Linked up well with Martin
John Humphrey
Admitted he should’ve been marking Dougal for the second. Grew into the game after that
Sam Holman
#SamHolmanFacts was trending on Twitter in the UK. Tells you everything. Great to have him back
Peter Martin
Another hard working show out on the right, creating most of the Fatboys half chances
Jordan Walsh
Only denied a goal by a superb one-on-one save in the first half. Won everything in the air
Chris Britton
Blazed one opportunity over, possibly as a result of Humphrey’s anti-Irish agenda pre-game

Subs

Kieran Poulton
Fantastic to have him back. Ran himself into the ground and his pace terrified Kingston
Dave Linehan
Mr Quick Feet looked composed in a more central role, threading some delightful through balls
Stuart Young
Given 30 minutes at left back, he put in some great lunging tackles which went down well with Gander
Nick Davie
Had a fine game as linesman after recent criticism. Used the ball cleverly in his 10 minutes
Andy Brown
(Unused)

Man of the Match

Close call between Sam Holman, Peter Martin and Scott McCarthy but it goes to the Fatboys number one who ensured his side didn’t end up with an undeserved hiding with that series of saves in the second half

Bookings

Gander, deliberate hand ball denying a goal scoring opportunity followed by a cheeky smile at the ref