Kit wash cleanliness adds shine to last day defeat

The final game of Hassocks Fatboys 2017/18 Sussex Sunday League campaign summed up the season in a nutshell – pushing a good team all the way but not being quite good enough to take anything from it.

Title chasing White Hart were the opponents at Waterhall but it would be folly to begin this match report without first taking time to acknowledge the job that Jon Ballantyne did on kit cleaning duties. The decision to share around washing duties rather than rely on Hayley or Alison McCarthy every week has bought out previously unseen levels of domestication throughout the squad as each player has tried to outdo the previous cleaner.

Before this week, John Humphrey had appeared a shoe in for Kit Wash of the Season after his scented effort divided into shirts, shorts and socks won hearts as well as minds. Bally however managed to blow this out of the water by wrapping a set of shirt, shorts and socks inside a polythene bag for each player as if the kit was brand new. The Premier Division table may show us as statistically the second worst team in the division, but if there was an award for the best turned out side we’d win it by a country mile.

None of this cleanliness was enough to prevent Dan Jacques from marking his first appearance since November by being sick a whole two minutes into the game. This did not impress the White Hart full back who was heard to describe it “the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen” after he had the pleasure of witnessing Jacques bring up a mixture of beer, bacon and what appeared to be an orange peel all over the middle of the penalty area.

The detectives among you will have deduced that for Jacques to be sick in the penalty area, the Fatboys must have gone on the attack early on and that is exactly what happened. Jacques was playing in the Andy Brown role just behind the front two of Jordan Walsh and Peter Martin and the three of them linked up well to create a flurry of half chances inside the first five minutes as the men in green caught their visitors by surprise.

Even more of a surprise was that it remained goalless for the best part of 25 minutes before White Hart took the lead in comical fashion. There didn’t seem to be much danger when the central midfielder picked the ball up 30 yards from goal and certainly the Fatboys midfield didn’t think so as they allowed him all the time in the world to hit a rasping distance drive.

Scott McCarthy shared his midfields lethargic approach to the shot, offering a big call of “safe” which was followed two seconds later by “oh shit, it might not be.” By that point, the Fatboys number one was scrambling to get down to the bottom corner but it was too late as the ball clipped the post and went in for 1-0.

Jack Lewis, Dave Linehan and Andy Brown tried to drive the team on after that but it was backs to the walls stuff really with Chris Britton and Jason Gander making a couple of vital interceptions and the full backs of Ballantyne and Michael Russell pinned back in their own half. It was little surprise then when 1-0 became 2-0 just past the half hour mark and it was again the result of a funny moment from McCarthy who somehow conspired to completely miss a shot that was straight at him, much to the delight of those gathered on the side line as it’s been a while since we’ve had a McCarthy Mess.

Speaking of messes, there was a right one from a corner just before the break. Lewis has seemingly had enough of us giving away at least 65 free headers from set pieces every week and he was extremely forceful in the shout of “everybody pick a man and stay with it.” This was an instruction that was unfortunately beyond Gander who replied with “I’ve lost my man!!!!!!” in an extremely high pitched voice.

Ever the good Samaritan, Jacques decided to try and help Gander find him by looking around for it, in turn losing his man as well. It was all too much for Britton who suffered a laughing fit as a result, which means he also lost his man. The mathematicians among you will have worked out that meant three free men but remarkably we didn’t concede after McCarthy made the decision to take charge of the situation by coming and claiming although it took him three attempts to get hold of the ball after an outbreak of the giggles.

Somehow, that proved to be the catalyst for the Fatboys to go up the other end and score. Linehan was having a fine game in midfield and he sent Martin away down the right with Martin producing an inch perfect cross for Lewis to head home at the far post. That came three minutes before the break and two minutes before the break, White Hart restored their two goal lead when Ballantyne was beaten out on the right and the low cross in was turned home by an onrushing midfielder.

There wasn’t much to report in the second half other than the start being delayed as several of the Fatboys squad took a moment to inspect Jacques’ pile of sick and Martin and Brown both being denied by fine saves from the White Hart goalkeeper. Things really sparked into life with the return of Ryan John just past the hour mark. John has spent most of this season injured having contracted what medical experts believe was the first case of leprosy recorded in the United Kingdom since the 17th century but he was clearly keen to make up for lost time, scoring with his first touch when converting another excellent cross from Martin just minutes after replacing Jordan Walsh.

After conceding within 30 seconds of scoring in the first half, the Fatboys were aiming to hold out a little longer and they did manage to achieve that, lasting 90 seconds this time before White Hart again went two goals ahead. There appeared to be little danger as the striker chased a lost cause in a vein attempt to try and keep it in play but that wasn’t how Britton saw the situation and he decided the best way to deal with it was by lunging into a two footed tackle and conceding a penalty.

Nobody was sure what was worse about this – the foul in the box on a bloke going nowhere or the fact Britton had the nerve to take umbrage at the decision. The outcome was a predictable one, Ryan Walton slamming home for 4-2.
McCarthy made an outrageous save from a one-on-one volley after that after Gander’s first attempt at handball didn’t work and his second attempt at producing a last man foul didn’t work either. That was one of a number of occasions White Hart really should have increased their lead. Walton had the ball in the back of the net but it was via a Gander-inspired volleyball play, Ballantyne produced a brilliant last man block and Russell cleared one and then took the strange decision to start doing keepy ups with the ball on the line despite the presence of three White Hart forwards. Incredibly, he got away with it.

At the other end, John was narrowly wide with an acrobatic header from another Martin cross while not even the introduction of Joe Brockes and Jamie Partridge from the bench could inspire the Fatboys onto another goal.
Instead, it was White Hart who looked the most likely to score and they were helped in that quest by Jacques’ five minute spell at right back in which he managed to produce the worlds slowest dribble with the ball, fall over his own leg to leave a one-on-one chance and then haul a man down with a tackle that is expected to feature on an upcoming episode of Crimewatch.

With the full time whistle came confirmation that the Fatboys are guaranteed to finish in the bottom two of the Premier Division. Whether that means relegation remains to be seen, but if this was to be the Green Army’s last game in the top flight then we went out in true Fatboys style. And we looked bloody good doing it.

Line up

Scott McCarthy
Could have done better with the first two goals. One brilliant save from a thumping volley
Jon Ballantyne
Put in a number of fantastic last gasp blocks. Misjudgement of the high ball was again impressive
Jason Gander
Classic Gander shout of “I’ve lost my man” and the handball followed by last man foul was a joy
Chris Britton
Needlessly gave away a penalty but got through plenty of good defensive work and noises
Michael Russell
His keepy ups on the line were impressive. Some hairy moments full of drag backs again
Jack Lewis
Scored a fine goal for his second of the season. Enjoyed Britton’s performance immensely
Andy Brown
The captain was unlucky not to mark his return from injury with a goal
Dave Linehan
Continued his fine run of form by playing a part in setting up the Fatboys first
Dan Jacques
Biggest contribution was losing his man when helping Gander find his and the pile of sick inside of 2 minutes
Peter Martin
Claimed two assists in another hard working performance up front
Jordan Walsh
Not at his best but he still managed to find himself in the positions for a couple of half chances

Subs

Ryan John
Marked his first appearance of the season with a well taken goal. Great to have him back
Joe Brockes
The Goblin added a creative element to proceedings late on when the Fatboys were chasing the game
Jamie Partridge
Always an outlet, he did well when he got on the ball

Man of the Match

Peter Martin ran himself into the ground and claimed two assists but it just goes to Jack Lewis for refusing to give up and weighing in with a goal

Goals

Lewis 39 (assist Martin), John 71 (assist Martin)