Kingston kick Fatboys to the curb

So a few weeks ago, we had a heated discussion among the Hassocks Fatboys first team squad about whether we should bother entering the Sussex Sunday League Invitational Cup. A small majority wanted to have a crack at it so we decided to remain in the competition, even if the thought of a Thursday night game kicking off at 6am was about as appealing as a package holiday to Syria.

Fast forward two weeks and our first Invitational Cup game against Kingston Village was upon us. Kick off was 10 minutes away, the pitch was covered in snow and we had a grand total of nine players huddling around a heater in the Convent Field changing room. Why had we bothered?

It’s a question Kingston were probably asking themselves as well as they only had 10 men by that point. They managed to convince a man with unruly hair and glasses to leave the warmth of a local nursing home to play for them while the Fatboys were bailed out by the late arrivals of John Humphrey and James Ballantyne.

Humphrey claimed to have been so late because he got lost which is quite remarkable given we’d only played on exactly the same pitch against exactly the same opposition a month previously. As for Big Bally, well he hasn’t started a game all season due to injury and we were very surprised to see him at all given the arctic conditions. His real motive for turning up was later revealed however when he confessed to coming along largely in order to flog tickets to the Cuckfield Town FC Race Night, a decision that turned out to be justified as he ended up selling six to a squad who clearly having had enough of horses yet despite seven of us having spent the previous week at Cheltenham.

Humphrey and Ballantyne took us up to 11 and then there was the charge of the light brigade or in this case, the late dash of Jules Clay and Kevin Ticehurst from the reserve team bench at Waterhall to the first team bench in Lewes. In doing so, the duo cup tied themselves out of the reserves own Invitational Cup which was a big sacrifice to make and both were rewarded in appropriate style, Jules by us all buying a copy of his book about Social Media (written despite the fact he doesn’t have any social media accounts) and Kev by the turning of a blind eye to his blatant cheating in the following weeks Fatboys Football Quiz when he managed to ‘guess’ the answer of Johan Elmander as one of only three Swedes to win a Premier League Player of the Month award.

The selection problems were sorted but the weather remained ghastly. So cold was it that every player played with a jumper under their shirts with the exception of Nick Davie who is known to be mentally unstable anyway. Jack Lewis went so far as to play with a woolly hat on and even managed to win a header while wearing it which was quite an achievement.

The less said about the actual football in the first half, the better. Kingston went ahead inside of a couple of minutes, the first of four unanswered goals all of which were largely preventable had the Fatboys been able to look after the ball better and stay with their men. 4-0 realistically could have been six or seven; Scott McCarthy making a couple of stops including one from a volley from point blank range that defied belief, Big Bally clearing one off the line and Jon Ballantyne was everywhere putting in tackles and making blocks in a man of the match display. Perhaps he should prepare for every game by trying to break into a Kwik Fit centre in Cheltenham in order to sleep at 2am on a Thursday morning?

There was an early blow when Humphrey limped off injured to be replaced by Ticehurst for his first team debut and he had one of the Fatboys two shots in the first half, testing the keeper with a whipped effort from distance. Jamie Partridge had the other opportunity but his effort was well kept out while Peter Martin put a couple of chances wide in another hard working display from the striker.

Just like in the league meeting between the two sides, the Fatboys were much better in the second half despite the defences best efforts to give away more goals which largely came from Jason Gander who was having one of those mornings. His best work came when producing what can only be described as a back heel in the air while running at full speed towards his own goal which surprisingly came off. Then there was the call to Little Bally of “Scott’s on” when Scott was in fact not on owing to the three Kingston players between right back and goalkeeper. Bally blindly played the pass, Gander followed up with “oh no, he isn’t on” and McCarthy was forced into making the save.

Then there was the trademark Gander deliberate handball to prevent a goal scoring opportunity which drew an infuriated response from the Kingston player who screamed “He did exactly the same thing against us four weeks ago referee.” What we didn’t mention to the striker as he probably wouldn’t have seen the funny side was that Gander also did exactly the same thing three weeks ago, two weeks ago, one week ago, five weeks ago, seven weeks ago and nine weeks ago.

Going forward, Michael Russell had a lively game having been moved from his normal left back berth to a spot on the right side of the front three while Big Bally was a revelation when moved into midfield, possibly because as the clubs token Scotsman he thrives in the snow and ice. Chris Britton dropped into centre back when Bally pushed forward and was instantly into his grove with some fantastic noises and much laughter at Gander’s trials and tribulations.

McCarthy pulled off another blinding save low down to his right to push the ball around the post and Martin’s knee gave up on him shortly after, leaving the Fatboys to see out the game with a front three of Ticehurst, Clay and Nick Davie. Unsurprisngly, the only goal of the second half came at the other end of the pitch and it was with the last kick of the game as Kingston made it 5-0 to deny the Fatboys would have been a hard earned but well deserved second half clean sheet.

Line up

Scott McCarthy
Two superb saves, one in either half. Decision to kick away a cross he could have easily caught was interesting
Jon Ballantyne
Gave his best performance of the season which was remarkable coming off a week in which he was a mess
Jason Gander
An absolute joy to watch throughout. The back heel in particular was impressive
James Ballantyne
Showed what we’ve been missing all season, organising the defence and then running the game in midfield
Nick Davie
A lesson in why you should never get completely slaughtered the night before because you think you are with the reserves
Jack Lewis
Won a header wearing a woolly hat which was hugely impressive
John Humphrey
Lasted 20 minute before his body gave up in the cold and he retreated to put on 17 layers of clothing
Jamie Partridge
Had probably the best Fatboys chance of the game, drawing a decent save from the goalkeeper
Michael Russell
Showed some decent touches after his request to play further up the field was granted
Peter Martin
Struggled with his knee problem but asked questions of the Kingston defence throughout
Chris Britton
Ticked off left midfield, central midfield and centre back all before half time

Subs

Kevin Ticehurst
Kept thing simply on his debut and had a decent effort repelled by the Kingston goalkeeper
Jules Clay
Looked great wearing his own shorts which are a different shade of green to the actual kit

Man of the Match

A toss up between the Ballantyne brothers with Jon Ballantyne just taking it ahead of James, partly because Jon gained extra credit for throwing up in the warm up.