Fatboys sink to new low as Flamingos win derby day by nine

The Sussex Sunday League Invitational Cup is a nightmare that keeps getting worse and worse for Hassocks Fatboys. A week ago it was a 5-0 defeat to Kingston Village with only eight first team players available. This time, it was a 10-1 defeat to local rivals Pink Flamingos with only seven first teamers on duty and three of those were carrying injuries.

How has it come to this? Because of the leagues ridiculous cup tie rules, which go something like this:

Any player who plays in one of the leagues two Invitational Cup’s is then cup tied from playing in the one they haven’t played in. What this essentially means for us is anybody who has played for the first team in the competition can’t play for the reserves and anybody who has played for the reserves can’t play for the first team.

That creates a number of problems. Reserve team regulars Nick Davie, Kevin Ticehurst and Jules Clay, who bailed the first team out of their eight man situation last week, are now ruled out for the reserves competition. It also means that the first team can’t take anybody from the reserves who has already played in an Invitational Cup or is likely to do so in the coming weeks.

To complicate matters further, if the first team can’t raise a side on the same day that the reserves play, then the reserves forfeit their game and with it their place in the competition as well. It’s the ultimate catch 22 situation – first team can’t raise a team because they can’t pick reserves and as a result, reserves get thrown out of their cup.

Anyway, somehow we did manage to get a side out and one of the unexpected benefits of this farcical situation was that reserve team manager Jamie Stratton not only had to be named on the bench, but he also got a 10 minute run out in the second half. Playing Premier Invitational Cup football was quite the turn around for a man who’s own playing career ended the best part of a decade ago when he retired at half time while playing in goal in Division Seven.

Stratton probably summed up his performance best afterwards, saying “If you ignore the fact the man I was meant to be marking scored twice in the 10 minutes I was on the pitch, I think I did alright.” On the plus side, he did manage to nutmeg a Flamingo and showed a running technique remarkably similar to that of a crab when shuffling sideways across the pitch.

Those two goals Stratton copped the blame for were numbers eight and nine. The Flamingos had racked up six by half time, despite the fact that remarkably it had been the Fatboys who took the lead. The retuning Stuart Brown was the architect of that shock opener, playing a one two with Joe Brockes before escaping down the left from where he delivered a low cross into the box which found Brockes who had continued his run, leaving the simple task of side footing past Aaron Agate from 12 yards.

It was good to see that despite Stuart having spent the last 18 months in Australia, he has lost none of his charm and selflessness, celebrating Brockesy’s goal by decreeing himself delighted to be one assist closer to catching brother Andy up in the all time Fatboys assist charts.

The lead was shortlived, Davie was still quite clearly pissed after undergoing surgery to have his head removed from several of the Lindfield’s players arses on Haywards Heath’s Broadway the previous evening and he was caught out by a long ball over the top which was finished with aplomb.

Gary Whittington and James Ballantyne were forced into a number of key blocks after that as the two first team debutants in midfield, Ben Todd and Laurence Ridgewell, attempted to get a foothold in the game. They managed to do so to a degree, only for another Davie error to occur as he missed his clearance and the Flamingos needed no second invitation to take the lead.

It was pretty much all downhill from there. Goal number three saw Scott McCarthy “do a Jonesy” as he was beaten by a delicate chip, number four was a stonking volley into the top corner and number five again saw Davie at fault as he shouldered the ball straight to a striker.

There was some belated fight after that, McCarthy making a superb double save as a game of ping pong ensured. That was only ended when Whittington fell slipped over on the goal line yet somehow still managed to make a block despite being in a similar predicament to a tortoise who has been flipped over onto it’s shell and is now stuck on it’s back.

McCarthy made another triple save but that was all in vain as the ball still ended up in the net for Flamingos sixth of the first half with Davie’s morning going from bad to worse as his attempts to block on the line only succeeded in him impaling himself on a net peg.

That seemed to sober Davie up but it wasn’t enough to prevent him being hauled at the break for the veteran Clay. Speaking of sobering up, there was little chance of that happening for Jon Ballantyne who had “mistakenly” drunk a large glass of straight gin that he’d left on his bedside table the previous night when he woke up on the morning of the game, believing it to be water.

With captain Andy Brown introduced from the bench, the second half was a much improved affair and the Fatboys were actually the better side for the first 20 minutes of it. Peter Martin created two opportunities for Andy which were both well repelled by Agate in the Flamingos goal and Martin went close himself after exchanging passes with Brockes.

Our dominance at this point was summed up nicely by a 30 pass move which went on for a good five minutes in which Flamingos couldn’t the ball off of us. It was genuinely fantastic to watch one touch passing across the pitch from every player in a green shirt. Of course, when Flamingos did eventually got the ball off us they went straight up the other end and made it 7-1 through a Jon Ballantyne own goal.

Any hopes of a repeat of that flowing football were gone with Stratton’s introduction and 7-1 very quickly became 9-1 before Stratton was pushed up top with Martin moving to right back in a forlon attempt at damage limitation. Credit to the Fatboys, they didn’t give up and Stuart Brown forced another excellent save from Agate after which Andy fired wide.

The Flamingos showed the Fatboys how its done by making it double figures with the very last kick of the game to end the hopes – not that we had any – of the Fatboys of making a real impression on the competition.

Ridgewell meanwhile capped a fine debut with the man of the match award before revealing afterwards that his record for the two games he’d played this weekend was played two, lost two, conceded 16.

With statistics like that, you’ll fit in just fine, Laurence.

Line up

Scott McCarthy
Pulled off several good stops on his way to conceding double figures for the second time in his Fatboys career
Nick Davie
Should not be playing football when still drunk if this was anything to go by. At fault for at least four of the Flamingos 10 goals
Jon Ballantyne
Played quite well given he’d accidentally imbibed a large glass of gin from his bedside table before the game
James Ballantyne
Another man-of-the-match showing at centre back after claiming he wouldn’t have bothered turning up 10 minutes before kick off if he knew he was going to play centre back
Gary Whittington
Pushed Big Bally close for MOM with a number of great blocks despite only being 60% fit. Which in fairness is actually 30% more fit than normal.
Ananda Hoque
Still struggling with whatever disease it is he has caught from smoking this week. Put in a good shift out on the right given he was effectively having to do two jobs due to Davie’s ineptitude
Stuart Brown
Returned for his first game in 18 months and claimed an assist inside of five minutes. Great to have him back in the fold
Laurence Ridgewell
Encouraging debut given that he played 90 minutes in midfield, a position he had never previously played in in his life
Ben Todd
Took on the Chris Britton role of the teams token left footer well, displaying an excellent attitude and some nice touches on his first team debut
Peter Martin
Played up front, right wing and even had a stint at right back when Jamie Stratton’s showing became too much for him to bare
Joe Brockes
Trademark finish from the Goblin and his link up play with Stuart was a reminder of more enjoyable times when the Fatboys were actually good at football

Subs

Andy Brown
Threw himself on at 6-1 despite not being full fit. The performance was vastly improved with the club captain in the fold
Jules Clay
Rolled back the years to nutmeg someone out on the left at one point. Admitted afterwards he was very bemused by how quick and fit the Flamingos were
Jamie Stratton
Great to see the sheep headed reserve team manager get to live a life long dream by playing first team football even if his 10 minutes did result in the man he was meant to be marking scoring twice.

Man of the Match

It says much that in a 10-1 defeat the best two players were defenders, but James Ballantyne just takes the honours from Gary Whittington.

Goals

Brockes 3 (assist S Brown)