Reserves make the most of big semi to book Fatboys first ever final

“Today is not a day for soundbites, but I feel the hand of history upon our shoulders.” So said Tony Blair 20 years ago as the Good Friday Agreement was about to be agreed, but it easily could have been said by Jamie Stratton on April 8th 2018 at Braypool.

For it was on this day this Hassocks Fatboys Reserves became the first side in the clubs history to reach a cup final. Some would go as far as to say that this is a greater achievement than delivering peace to Northern Ireland, but we’ll let you be the judges of that.

Goals from Justin Parker, Simon O’Brien and Chris Clayton ensured that Division Three rivals Inpulse were vanquished 3-2 to set up a final date with St Mary’s Athletic on April 26th at Newhaven’s Fort Road. The glamour of the Sussex Sunday League Junior Invitational Cup really does know no bounds.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you anything that happened in the first 15 minutes of the game as the league website listed kick off as 10.30am yet the match officials – all three of them for a semi final of this importance – decided to get things underway at 10.15.

What we do know is that Jon Kelly turned up in a full suit to mark the historic nature of the occasion and that the Fatboys were without captain Reece Wickwar, Ross Joannides and Sam Wilson.

Otherwise, it was a full strength squad for Stratton to pick from and he lined up in his favoured 4-3-3 with 22-year-old Nick Jones in goal, a back four of Rob Lloyd, Alex Ternouth, Bruce Bignell and Stuart Young, a midfield three of Justin Parker, Mark Potter and Ben Todd and a front three of Kelly, Clayton and Kenny Tinnion.

The game was around 20 minutes old when Inpulse took the lead, the Fatboys failing to deal effectively with a corner which presented an opposition midfielder to hit a crisp volley from the edge of the box, through a crowd of players and past the unsighted Jones.

They were ahead for all of five minutes before the Fatboys equalised. Kelly was aiming to be a one man wrecking ball and he bulldozed his way into the box in the most ungracious manner you can image – we’re talking Harvey Weinstein making a b line for a fit actress here – before letting a shot go that the Inpulse keeper did well to save.

His efforts were in vain though as Parker was quickest to react, stabbing the loose ball home for his third goal in seven games for the reserves this season. To give that some perspective, he’d managed two in his previous 47. Marriage may bring you many things – debt, the prospect of being stuck with someone for the rest of your life, mental health problems, grey hairs in the case of O’Brien – but for JP it has turned him into a goal machine. Long may it continue.

The first half drew to a quiet close with Ternouth providing the only smidgens of entertainment, firstly when he delighted players of Tooth Bingo by allowing them to mark their cards with his first big “SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” shout of the day and then when leaping like the proverbial salmon to head a Parker corner just wide of the post.

Lloyd had the first chance of the second half when he rampaged forward from right back to hit a calm and collected effort that rose just over the bar. It was nice to see the return of the tranquil Lloyd that we all know and love after the previous weeks upsetting and distressing scenes when he took an AFC Falmer players head clean off with one punch.

Another Tooth Bingo was called when he produced a high-pitched dogs noise after being just inches away from turning a low Parker free kick in, after which Stratton decided to roll the dice and introduce a goal scorer from his bench.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t one there, so he settled for chucking on O’Brien along with Tommy Tyler and the change paid instant dividends as O’Brien gave the Fatboys the lead within two minutes of his introduction.

The veteran striker had spent the previous week laid up with a norovirus that had caused him to lose a stone in weight. He’d clearly put the time spent in bed to good use, using it to study some of the best rugby trys of the last decade as what he produced here was reminiscent of Chris Ashton against Australia in 2011 or Jonny May versus New Zealand in 2014.

Picking up – quite literally in this case – a Clayton pass, O’Brien ran a little with the ball tucked between his hand and his body, eventually bowling it into his own path and running through to score the resultant one-on-one.

Inpulse were incensed that not one of the three officials on duty had seen this blatant handball and their mood only darkened on that front when they were penalised for a handball of their own after a defender took the bizarre decision to punch away a Parker cross with absolutely no danger on. Clayton duly stuck away the resulting penalty kick to make it 3-1.

The handball drama didn’t end there as up the other end Inpulse hit the bar with a header from a free kick only for the referee to rule there had been another handball in the warm up. They had an even better chance shortly after when Jones ventured into unknown territory off his line and was rewarded by being rounded with only an perfect sliding challenge from Young preventing what would have been in effect an open goal.

Kelly entered the book for his 12th foul of the morning and as a result was withdrawn in place of Glen Clayton who would also go onto have his name taken when he decided to block an Inpulse quick throw by sticking his arms up, picking up a pointless £10 fine and adding to the significant pressure the Fatboys were already under by asking them to defend another free kick.

By now, the men in green were defending for their lives with Ternouth producing several trademark lunges and Bignell throwing his body at everything. O’Brien saw a chance well saved on the counter and the Fatboys then lost Todd to cramp with Pete West and his full head of hair entering the fray.

Inpulse took advantage of the confusion following that sub to pull one back with three minutes remaining, another impressive volley this time at the back post leaving Jones with no chance.

That made for an extremely tense last five minutes with Stratton not looking this concerned since he was told that his dark blue and white ski jacket wasn’t suitable attire for Parker’s wedding. He eventually managed to borrow a suit for JP nuptials and this game eventually ended with a similar sense of relief as the Fatboys held on to book their spot in the final.

Inpulse took defeat with good grace, instantly getting on the phone to the league to report the Fatboys for playing ringers, seemingly failing to understand that if one bloke (Glen) hasn’t played since January and another bloke (Ben) was only signed in February, chances are they won’t know each other’s’ names.

That couldn’t put a dampener on this famous morning in the club’s history though as the reserves go where no Fatboys side has ever gone before – Newhaven.

Line up

Nick Jones
Only one kick shanked out of play. Surprised everyone by venturing off his line on a couple of occasions
Rob Lloyd
No repeat of last weeks violent scenes. Defended solidly and used his position as the reserves fittest player to support the attack
Alex Ternouth
A big “SQUEEEEEEZZZZEEEEEEEEEE, an animal noise, some lunges and he came off grinning like a Cheshire cat. Great morning’s work
Bruce Bignell
Strong communication throughout and he put his dance skills to good use to move his way out of a couple of tricky situations
Stuart Young
His goal saving slide tackle was a thing of absolute beauty and proved to be a real turning point in the game
Justin Parker
No idea what has happened to him but three goals in seven games after two in four years is hugely impressive
Mark Potter
Anchored the midfield well before making way for Tyler. Drew gasps from the crowd with one stepover which took out two players (and unfortunately himself through what appeared to be sheer shock)
Ben Todd
Put a real shift in, proving he is adapting well to life at the Fatboys by having to come off with cramp late in the second half
Kenny Tinnion
His recent good form continued as he linked up impressively with Clayton and Kelly, never giving the Inpulse defence a moments rest
Chris Clayton
Didn’t lose a header and rounded off a fine performance with a cool penalty for the Fatboys third
Jon Kelly
He wasn’t sure how he’d not been booked in the first half and neither were we. His battling and bulldoozing style teed up Parker for the Fatboys first

Subs

Simon O’Brien
Should spend every week sat at home throwing up and shitting himself if it means scoring within two minutes of being introduced
Tommy Tyler
Helped bring control to the middle of the park when replacing Potter in the second half. His hair continues to look magnificent
Glen Clayton
Didn’t have much time to impact on the game, other than to give away a completely stupid free kick and pick up a highly entertaining booking as a result
Pete West
New hair, no position? Took over from Todd for the final few minutes in the centre of midfield. He managed to resist the temptation to kick anyone
Russell Jebbitt
Unused

Man of the Match

Alex Ternouth for another excellent showing as he continues his return from injury

Goals

Parker 24 (assist Kelly), O’Brien 59 (assist C Clayton), C Clayton 69 (assist Parker)

Bookings

Kelly, 73rd foul of the morning
G Clayton, sticking his hand up to catch an Inpulse quick throw