Hassocks Fatboys 2-1 Burgess Hill Rhinos

 

David Attenborough might tell you that a duck can’t take down a rhino, but what does he know? He wasn’t at Ardingly College to witness Hassocks Fatboys break a long-running curse.

Had Attenborough been present, he would have seen Dave Keane mark his return to Fatboys colours with two goals as the Fatboys rallied from 1-0 down to defeat Burgess Hill Rhinos 2-1. These ducks can be very dangerous animals, Sir David.

This was the first time that the Fatboys had won their opening pre-season friendly since 2012, six long years. To put that in some perspective, the average lifespan of a duck is somewhere between five and 10 years. Keane could quite easily have snuffed it in the time we’ve been waiting for it to happen.

Things didn’t get off to the best of starts with the news that Scott McCarthy’s clutch had exploded en route to the game, meaning that the Fatboys manager, goalkeeper and brand new kit were all stranded in Brighton. 45 minutes and a £30 taxi ride later and McCarthy had made it to Ardingly. We will be highlighting that dedication regularly throughout the season when people are pulling out because it’s raining or they’ve just discovered they’re moving house at 9.30am on the morning of a game.

With the mercury still touching 30 degrees and genuine concerns about what 45 unbroken minutes would do to the colour of Joe Brockes’ head, the sensible decision was taken to split the game into three thirds of 30 minutes. It was an unusual looking line up for the Fatboys in that first third. Reserves captain Reece Wickwar was dropped to first team duty and started at left back with a defence that also contained Jordan Walsh, Jason Gander and Rhyan Thwaites.

In midfield, Jack Lewis and Andy Brown were joined by Stuart Brown, whom the “slimming stripe” across the belly of the new kit didn’t appear to be doing much for. Keane wasn’t the only returnee in attack as Daryl McLean was back in the side for the first time since 2015. They were joined by Brockes, slathered in so much sunscreen that the share price of Boots was said to have rocketed by 268%.

The first period of the game was a pretty nondescript affair. It was fairly obvious these were two sides playing their first football of the season as neither goalkeeper was forced into a save of note. From a Fatboys defensive point of view, this was largely because of the excellence of Walsh at centre back, who was playing dangerously well for someone doesn’t want his long term future at the Fatboys to be in defence.

Going forward, the Fatboys played some nice one-touch football up the pitch between the front three and the Brown brothers, but were unable to seriously test the Rhinos goalkeeper. Their best chances of the half saw a McLean effort blocked and a Stuart Brown shot dribble just wide.

The changes were rung for the second third with Gary Whittington, Daniel Pidgeon, Dave Linehan, Ryan John and debutant Harrison Hoar replacing Wickwar, Gander, Stuart Brown, McLean and Brockes respectively. Half the outfield team swapping proved to have a destabilising effect and the second period was less than five minutes old when Rhinos took the lead.

Linehan’s attempt to break the Guinness World Record for number of step overs and Cruyff turns a player can complete in one season was well and truly underway as he completed 17 in his first four minutes. Attempts 18 through to 21 were less successful as possession was surrendered, but there still seemed to be little on shortly after when the ball bounced to a Rhinos midfielder 30 yards out.

That was until said Rhino swung a left leg at it, connecting with a shin. This was enough to catch a startled McCarthy unaware with the result being he was hopelessly lobbed. A broken car, a wallet relieved of £30 and a goalkeeping howler. This was not turning out to be a good day for the Fatboys number one.

McCarthy and Linehan did at least play a part in the equaliser, which arrived a few minutes later. McCarthy’s long kick cleared the Rhinos defence and Linehan raced onto it, throwing stepovers 22-27 into the mix to make his way to the edge of the box where he was hauled down illegally.

It appeared as if the foul was outside the area with Linehan falling into the box, but a penalty was duly awarded which Keane struck home. Keane didn’t have long to wait for his second of the game either. Who gets the assist for this one is up in the air, with several players trying to claim it afterwards.

Those who believed the assist should go to them were Thwaites (likely, given he was again playing like a man possessed on the right); Gander (unlikely, given he was off the pitch in the recovery position at the time after playing the first third of the game) and James Ballantyne (extremely unlikely as he wasn’t there. In fact, we haven’t seen hide nor hair of Big Bally since England reached the World Cup semi finals).

Whoever it was, there was also a huge helping hand from the Rhinos goalkeeper as he let Keane’s shot that should have been a routine catch through his hands and in for a howler even worse than McCarthy’s. Coincidentally, his name was Scott as well. Wonder if his car had broken down before kick off?

The final period saw Wickwar, Gander, Stuart Brown, McLean and Brockes return in place of Thwaites, Walsh, Andy Brown, Lewis and Keane. With a back four of Wickwar, Gander, Pidgeon and Whittington, the Fatboys now had a defence that weighed more collectively than the Mini Cooper that Lewis had stolen off his hairdresser to drive to the game.

Despite this, chances were few and far between for both sides. McCarthy tipped a free kick onto a post after he’d saved a one-on-one from which Whittington cleared the loose ball off the line. At the other end, both John and Brockes blazed over when well placed.

The game was largely a non event and reduced to pedestrian pace, hardly surprising given the toll that the heat had taken on both sides. Wickwar did have to put in a 50 yard chase back which he was understandably delighted with, given he’d only asked if he could have 20 minutes to get some fitness when requesting to play a couple of hours before kick off.

Gander also showed a remarkable turn of pace to shield one forward pass out for a goal kick, which resulted in the first #GanderQuote of the season.

“At 20 yards away from goal I thought I’d have to kick it out, but then I realised their player would need at least 30 yards to get around me so it was fine to shield it.”

A good workout for the Fatboys then in terms of fitness and result. Even Stuart Brown was in a positive mood, telling everyone afterwards, “That was shit, we need to be so much better, I can’t believe we’ve won that.” If there is anyone from the Australian Embassy reading this, please could you direct us as to who to bribe in order to speed up a visa application.
 

FATBOYS (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
A classic howler for the Rhinos goal but redeemed himself with those two saves in the third period. Sported a lovely Bulgaria themed hat.
Rhyan Thwaites
Whatever he’s been on over the summer, everyone needs some. Followed up his Player of the Tournament winning performance from the weekend with another excellent showing at right back.
Jason Gander
Was extremely keen to point out that the Fatboys didn’t concede a goal with him on the pitch. The shielding of the ball off the pitch at a pace akin to a tortoise was a real highlight.
Jordan Walsh
A man-of-the-match showing at centre back. He introduced previously alien concepts to the defence such as communication, pace and an offside trap.
Reece Wickwar
Wanted 20 minutes for fitness. The reserves captain ended up getting an hour in both full back positions where he showed his versatility.
Andy Brown
So much sweat on his shirt it actually turned dark green. He got through lots of work with a couple of floating runs that fashioned opportunities.
Jack Lewis
Turned up in a Mini Cooper much to everyone’s delight. Did an important job in front of the defence, allowing the Brown brothers to support the front three.
Stuart Brown
Fashioned a couple of chances for himself which he flashed wide. He was his normal positive self, practically a ray of sunshine. Somehow managed to avoid having to do a stint at full back.
Dave Keane
The perfect return for Duck. Two goals and a reminder of what we’ve been missing on the right side of attack over the past two seasons.
Daryl McLean
Played the first period of the game in attack and the third period in central midfield. Had a few chances but his most important work was bringing others into the game and delivering some mean set pieces
Joe Brockes
A successful evening for the Goblin as he managed to avoid picking up sunstroke and was a constant menace to the Rhinos’ defence.
 

SUBS

Gary Whittington
Reckons he has put on two stone since getting married in May. This would slow any normal player down, but it appears to have made him quicker, especially when he hacked one off the line late on.
Daniel Pidgeon
Reckons he has put on two stone since going on holiday. This would slow any normal player down, but it appears to have made him quicker, especially when throwing in some of his trademark lunges.
Dave Linehan
Earned the Fatboys the penalty from which they equalised. Used the ball intelligently and it was great to see an even greater ratio of flicks and tricks than normal.
Ryan John
Blazed one over the bar when well placed and then managed to get in a fight with an angry scouser. It was a typically robust evenings work with some nice touches in the target man role.
Harrison Hoar
A lively presence down the left, doing things that not many other Fatboys forwards do such as tracking back. Could prove to be a real find, injecting some much needed pace and dynamism.
 

GOALS

38′ Keane, assist Thwaites.
43′ Keane, assist Linehan.
 

MAN OF THE MATCH

Tough call between Jordan Walsh and Rhyan Thwaites but it just goes to Walsh for a fantastic performance given he was playing out of position at centre back.