Having put some hard work in at the Adastra Park field of dreams in Hassocks in the previous few weeks, Hassocks Fatboys Reserves were pitted against the The Long Man in their opening fixture of the pre-season schedule with Jamie Stratton’s men looking to avenge their 4-2 defeat in last years whatever cup it was.
In order to get things rolling, the 19-man-squad (NINETEEN!!!!!!) got into an intense warm up. When we say intense warm up, what we actually mean is a few stretches while a Neighbours Question and Answer session got underway.
This allowed Ramsay Street’s resident super fan Kevin Ticehurst the chance to show off his passion, including a Shag, Marry or Kill dilemma between Toadfish, Harold Bishop and Karl Kennedy – we’d tell you the answer but wouldn’t want to sway anyone’s choice on this one.
Stratton has been keen to keep his squad from last season together given the great success they bought to the club in finishing in mid table and reaching a cup final. To that end, only two new additions have been made so far in Ando Knott who is unbelievably a genuine friend of Nick Davie and firearm enthusiast Stevie Stockwell.
The Fatboys have also been boosted by the return of goat-man Josh Evetts and on this occasion, Gary Whittington was promoted from the first team having asked Stratton for a run around following his recent wedding and honeymoon which has seen him put on two stone in weight by his own conservative estimates.
The men in green began well and looked relatively composed on the ball, doing uncharacteristic things like passing the ball and not playing customary throat height balls to the centre backs. Long Man were pressing hard all over the pitch to try and seize possession and when they eventually did this, they managed to hit the Fatboys on the counter for 1-0.
Undeterred, the new-kit clad luminous greens continued to try to play football and seemed to be unphased by what could only be described as the blip that handed Long Man the lead. The Fatboys looked to respond as captain Reece Wickwar and Justin Parker linked up well with Kenny Tinnion in attack before Wickwar unleashed a drive from 20 yards which was equalled by a stretching save from the opposing goalkeeper.
It wasn’t long however until the ways of old reared their ugly heads and a Nick Jones goal kick was won by the visitors, who mopped up the second ball before finding their way in behind the evergreen Jules Clay. The striker still had a lot to do but managed to slot the ball straight through the legs of the onrushing Jones for 2-0. Still, at least he wasn’t lobbed.
Again, the Fatboys kicked off and attempted to get everyone involved with Kevin Ticehurst and Josh Evetts seeing plenty of the ball. Too much in the case of Evetts, who after a couple of runs up the flanks decided his body could take no more and he needed a rest after 20 minutes.
Despite losing Evetts, the Fatboys seemed to improve as the half went on and Simon O’Brien appeared to be defying the cries of nature for him to retire by closing the space in front of him well before demanding that his side stop trying to play football and instead thump it forward for his ageing legs to chase down.
Mocking aside, O’Brien soon got his reward as he seized on an error from a goal kick before making an easy chance incredibly hard for himself before producing a deft finish with his left foot on the angle for 2-1.
O’Brien’s goal spurred the team on and soon after he should have been awarded a corner as the ball cannoned off the wheel behind the goal but power-hungry megalomaniac referee Chris Britton decided he couldn’t possibly award a corner. Shortly after, the Long Man keeper atoned for his earlier error in giving O’Brien a helping hand for his goal by pulling off a brilliant save, tipping Wickwar’s long ranged effort around the post.
At half time, it was reiterated by some that football should not be played and that we were doing nothing more than kidding ourselves by trying to string more than two passes together. With that, Stratton rung the changes and the second half was underway.
It would appear, somewhat surprisingly given we’ve run to that bloody windmill three times in pre season, that the Long Man were a step ahead in the fitness stakes as they looked to get themselves on the ball and drag the Fatboys midfield left, right and centre.
As a result, it wasn’t long before another handful of identical errors left the home side staring defeat in the face as the scoreline raced to 4-1. Despite frustrations, the Fatboys kept plugging away and Chris Clayton had a handful of half chances which he couldn’t quite divert goalwards.
Knott started to shake off the rustiness which comes with both having not played competitively for several years and being Davie’s registered carer and he showed glimpses of being a handful as the game grew on, only to snatch a little when his positive runs paid off which robbed him of a goal which his performance deserved.
Between the concession of the fourth and fifth Long Man goals, there was time for some fantastic moments. Davie firstly mocked Wickwar for a foul throw before Stuart Young soiled his good performance with a ridiculous attempt to keep the ball play by sliding but only succeeded in getting stuck mid-slide and kneeing the ball out much to the delight of those on the sidelines and indeed the pitch.
That fifth goal came about as the Long Man delivered a corner and despite a number of debatable pushes on the defending side in the box which Britton predictably didn’t see, the ball was steered beyond Jones. The Fatboys refused to throw in the towel however with Parker breaking the defensive line but crashing his effort against the post.
With the game comfortably wrapped up for the visitors, it left time for their forward to call everyone who ran the line a cheating c**t as he strayed offside over and over again. If anybody bookmakers open a book on Sussex Sunday League players to be sinbined next season, he will certainly be one to stick money on.
Despite the heavy defeat, there were some positives to take. The Fatboys had actually tried to play football and against a lesser goalkeeper, might have even snuck a high-scoring draw. The goals conceded were all similar in nature, which means that if lessons are learned then they should be preventable by the time the real action gets underway.
All that was left was for Jones to do a sterling job of collecting money, which was as good as his distribution that day, and for Stockwell to show off some pictures of his new pellet gun.
Nick Jones
Showed good distribution and communication. A rare instance for him as HE WASN’T LOBBED, having to settle for getting nutmegged instead.
Jules Clay
A vocal presence and he kept it simple as always. Perhaps could have dealt better with the second goal.
Gary Whittington
Great chat at the back and looking to bring others into the game. A welcome addition to the setup for the game, hopefully he remains overweight so the reserves can have him every week.
Sam Wilson
Mr Versatility won some good tackles and made some decent interceptions. Passed it out from the back, causing an equal mixture of admiration and panic.
Kevin Ticehurst
Had to put Gary and Dee out of his mind for 90 minutes. He listened well to what he was being told and improved positionally as the game went on. Looked to link up with whomever was in front of him.
Stuart Young
His slip ‘n’ slide was fantastic, as was his work rate and energy on the left against a tricky and energetic opposing number.
Sam Harding
Frustrated himself at times including a blip for a goal but showed signs of what could be with some good distribution from the back line.
Nick Davie
Didn’t take a foul throw for the first time in his Fatboys career. He was very focused and intent on working for the team as he looks to force his way in to the second team following promotion from the firsts.
Russell Jebbitt
The new father surprised everyone by turning up less than a week after the birth of his first child. Has since declared himself available for all outings in order to escape home responsibilities.
Rob Lloyd
Composed on the ball as always, showing no signs of the stress that must come with being the man responsible for delivering Brexit.
Justin Parker
Tom Brady like performance as he looked to turn defence into attack where possible and probably should have finished his chance despite being offside.
Reece Wickwar
A couple of decent shots but spent much of the game chasing the ball between a well drilled Long Man midfield.
Stevie Stockwell
The firearms expert injected some life into the left wing as he looked to run into the space available and get the boys attacking.
Kane Wright
An absolute miracle that he’d managed to look after the whole kit for an entire three months without losing it. Offered his usual fare, namely running around kicking people.
Ando Knott
Looks like he could be quite a handful and fans will be eager to see more in the coming weeks. Cruelly denied by the keeper. Seems like a really nice bloke, which begs the question why is he mates with Davie?
Josh Evetts
Coming off after 20 minutes was an absolute shambles. Came back on and redeemed himself with some great work rate.
Chris Clayton
Always a threat when he gets the service which was debatabley lacking in this game. Loves a flick off of the heel, as we saw on multiple occasions.
Kenny Tinnion
The white Heskey seems to be improving all the time which would explain why he won Most Improved Player last season. He bought others into the game and seems to be becoming more confident each time he plays.
Simon O’Brien
Scored a typical O’Brien goal by taking an easy chance, making it 100 times harder and then finishing it. Didn’t seem to enjoy our passing football one bit.
35′ O’Brien, assist goalkeeper.