Hassocks Fatboys 4-2 Pink Flamingos

 

Rocking horse droppings were found in Hassocks, hens teeth were sighted in Hurstpierpoint and Dave Keane bought a round. Yes, it was a day of miracles as Hassocks Fatboys beat Pink Flamingos for the first ever time.

Five times the Fatboys had taken on Flamingos’ first team. Four times they’d lost, one time they’d drawn and they’d conceded 28 times along the way. This 4-2 victory represented a milestone result for the men in green.

This had been billed as Flamingos last hurrah. They’d quit the Sussex Sunday League at the end of the 2017-18 season but were keen to have one final B2116 Derby, no doubt lured in by the prospect of hitting double figures past the Fatboys again and the offer of beers and burgers back at the Club after. A proper send off for a proper football club.

As it was, the Pinks ended up with a very Sunday League scenario of having to field several debutants in a “Legends XI”. There were still plenty of familiar faces however and it was still a strong line up, so take nothing away from the Fatboys, who won back-to-back games at the start of a pre-season campaign for the first time ever.

With half of both teams having attended Pride the previous day and a boiling sun beating down on Ardingly, the first half was played at almost pedestrian pace. Flamingos had more of the ball but struggled to find away through the back four of Rhyan Thwaites, John Humphrey (who is 45 years old), Chris Britton and Rob Lloyd.

When they did manage to break through, they found Scott McCarthy in good form. The Fatboys number one saved a one-on-one through a crowd brilliantly and then tipped a dipping effort over the bar.

The surprises weren’t just restricted to hens teeth, rocking horse droppings and a Fatboys win. Arguably the biggest shock of all came when Stuart Brown tracked back for the first time in his football career. Admittedly, it was a shocking touch that saw him gift away possession but still the sight of a man putting every inch of his being into sprinting but still only going the speed of a warship through treacle was truly inspiring, even if he did require oxygen afterwards.

It was 0-0 at the break, something that pleased Britton deeply. “We’re looking good for a clean sheet here,” everybody’s favourite police officer said at half time, before adding, “Although last time I said that, we then conceded three times in 90 seconds against DPA.” With Jason Gander conspicuous by his absence, it was good to see Britton stepping up to the plate as the nonsense talker in the back line.

Preidctably, Britton’s comments very nearly jinxed things. Nick Davie had replaced Thwaites at the break and he didn’t seem to know which team he was meant to be playing for, understandable for a bloke who has always dreamed of turning out for the Flamingos. It actually reached the point where Andy Brown had to say, “Davie, stop passing it to the Pink Flamingos.” This made no discernible difference.

Davie may have been all over the shop but luckily Jack Lewis wasn’t as he filled in here, there and everywhere. Dave Linehan also seemed to have abandoned his attempts to break the Guinness World Record for number of stepovers one player can complete in a single season and as a result was a much more creative force.

Still, it took an almighty piece of luck to give the Fatboys the lead. There looked to be little on when a Flamingos defender attempted to clear the ball but he succeeded in only smashing it into Ryan Collins with the clearance looping into the back of the net past the hapless visiting goalkeeper.

That takes Collins total to two in two – or Two in Two Roo as he’d now like to be known – since his return to the Club, although whether he see him again remains to be seen after sources suggested he was heard saying “I never want to play for a club that Stuart captains.” Brown had scandalously stolen the armband at the start of the second half from Jordan Walsh.

It was Walsh who added the second. He’d had a glorious opportunity in the first half but a touch heavier than Gerry McCann’s had seen the opportunity pass. He made no mistake this time though, showing all the bravery that you’d expect from someone who is willing to buy a property within half a mile of where Davie lives by going in where it hurts to divert an Andy Brown cross past the goalkeeper. Walsh got clattered for his troubles, maintaining his record of picking up a blow to his head in all three of his appearances so far.

Two more goals followed in quick succession, Stuart Brown finishing nicely and then Andy Brown playing in Lloyd who showed all the calmness of a man who is looking forward to delivering a no deal Brexit by coolly finishing the one-on-one opportunity.

The Fatboys rang the changes after that. Collins found himself in a makeshift centre back partnership with Jon Ballantyne while Davie was supposed to be playing at right back, but every time he was told to push up he’d go sprinting 50 yards up the pitch in a straight line for absolutely no reason, completely ignorant of where the ball actually was. He also took the worst foul throw of his career which even sent the referee into a fit of giggles.

Davie’s performance was in complete contrast to young Charlie Wyre at left back. If you had to guess which player out of the two full backs was the 14-year-old playing in men’s football for the first time, you’d have put all your money on it being Davie such was Wyre’s composure.

Flamingos pulled two goals back late on as the Fatboys lost concentration, probably through absolute shock that they were 4-0 up and cruising. A lovely cross in from Jimmy Cochrane was met with an even more impressive header from Ed Bartram, out jumping Ballantyne to send a powerful effort into the bottom corner and past the despairing dive of McCarthy.

It was with virtually the last kick of the game that Flamingos added their second, Collins getting caught out of position while replaying his “wonder goal” in his head and that allowed a midfielder to saunter through and finish the one-on-one through the legs of McCarthy.
 

FATBOYS (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Two excellent saves in the first half which was extremely surprising given he’d only turned up 20 minutes before kick and was in what can only be described as a world of problems.
Rhyan Thwaites
Another barnstorming performance on the right. Defended solidly in the first half and then enjoyed a more advanced role in the second from which he nearly scored.
John Humphrey
The 45-year-old used all his experience at the back, including one memorable turn on a sixpence which he claimed was never likely to go wrong but left most of his team mates biting their nails.
Chris Britton
Nothing got past him at the back. He also took on the Gander role of “centre back who spends most of the game talking bollocks” with great aplomb.
Rob Lloyd
Used the ball well at left back in the first half. Pushed further forward in the second and rewarded that decision with a smart finish for the fourth goal.
Ryan Collins
Played in midfield, up front and at centre back and even managed to score with his arse for a second goal in as many games. Two-in-two Roo.
Jack Lewis
Another intelligent performance from the holding midfielder who covered every blade of grass. Did particularly well covering Thwaites and Davie when they were went rampaging forward from right back.
Dave Linehan
Abandoned his attempts to beat the World Record of 2367 stepovers in a single game and looked all the better for it, threading some clever balls through to the front three.
Stuart Brown
Surprised everybody by tracking back for the first time since he was playing at under 12s. A typically composed finish although words were needed for his stealing of the captains armband.
Jordan Walsh
Scored through sheer bravery and had another couple of opportunities in an all action performance. Looked after the ball well.
Joe Brockes
The only player in green in the first half who didn’t constantly give the ball away. He was a real outlet throughout and came close with a few chances.
 

SUBS

Andy Brown
Started on the bench after feeling the effects of Pride. Came on and claimed two assists while also offering Nick Davie much needed advice about which team he was playing for.
Jon Ballantyne
Strong showing starting at right back and then at centre half. Not entirely sure what was going on in the second half when he seemed to spend around 20 minutes of it talking to Flamingos striker Tom Deveson about a t-shirt.
Nick Davie
The reserve team full back did some excellent things mixed in with some extremely baffling things, including believing he was playing for the Flamingos at one point.
Charlie Wyre
Composed on the ball and linked up well with Lloyd up the left. It is a shame we can’t legally sign a minor due to several members of the teams current bail conditions as he would fit in superbly.
 

GOALS

53′ Collins, assist defender.
61′ Walsh, assist A Brown.
67′ S Brown, assist Linehan.
75′ Lloyd, assist A Brown.
 

MAN OF THE MATCH

The back four were solid throughout and Rob Lloyd was a part of that impressive first half performance before moving further forward in the second half from where he netted.