Hassocks Fatboys 2-3 Cuckfield Town
There was a telling moment at half time of Hassocks Fatboys game against Cuckfield Town, which resulted in their first defeat of pre season.
Scott McCarthy had urged his side to be far less lethargic as they trailed 2-0 at the break to their Mid Sussex League visitors. Defender Jon Ballantyne offered a brutally honest reply to his manager. “You’re right, but for some reason I just can’t be arsed today.”
20 minutes later and Ballantyne was at the centre of the biggest example of the fact that the Fatboys couldn’t be bothered as he gifted the Whitebellies their third.
A week after the nation discovered the devastating news of the passing of Barry Chuckle, Ballantyne and Nick Jones paid the best tribute possible with a “To Me, To You” moment that had all the hallmarks of Rotherham’s favourite sons.
With seemingly no danger and all the time in the world, Ballantyne hit the weakest back pass you are ever likely to see to Jones. This startled Jones, who was already pretty terrified at being five yards off his line as it was, with the result being the Cuckfield striker nipping in and rounding the 22-year-old goalkeeper.
At that point, the scoreline looked well on the way to being embarrassing but credit to the Fatboys who netted two late consolations through headers from Jordan Walsh and Rhyan Thwaites. They could have even had an extremely undeserved third, only a brilliant tip onto the post from the Town goalkeeper keeping out another header from 45-year-old John Humphrey.
Lining up in their customary 4-3-3, this was only the third time in six years that the Fatboys had no McCarthy, Andy Brown or Jason Gander in their starting line up.
McCarthy remains sidelined with the head injury he sustained 10 days earlier and Brown was rested ahead of Lindfield’s Alan Washer Memorial Trophy final with Cuckfield Rangers at Haywards Heath Town’s Hanbury Park the following day. Resting Brown proved to be a complete waste of time however as Heath managed to achieve the seemingly impossible and have a waterlogged pitch after the driest summer since records began.
Gander’s absence was more problematic as the Fatboys were already without a whole host of centre backs, a problem that only worsened when Gary Whittington pulled out the evening before the game having being stung by a bee.
That meant that Walsh was the unlucky winner of the Forward Who Has To Play Centre Back Prize Draw, the second time his key has come out the bowl so far this season. The blow was softened slightly by him having the captains armband in the absence of Brown, Gander and Peter Martin who has seemingly moved to Liverpool without actually telling anyone. Ryan Collins and Chris Britton are the other two men to have had to play at the back so far, although in Britton’s case it is 100% his best position.
Walsh had another solid showing at the back, not least when he tried to remove the ankle of Stuart Brown who was playing for Cuckfield. This was the most stonewall penalty you’ll ever see, but clearly the referee realised Stuart is a bit of a prick and remarkably he gave a corner. Oh how we laughed.
The Cuckfield goal was rarely troubled in the first half save for a Joe Brockes effort that went perilously close and a probing run from Kieran Poulton who fired his shot at the end of it just wide.
Town were certainly more fired up than the Fatboys, with their manager having the sort of enthusiasm on the sidelines that you only normally see if you give an already excited child 50g of speed.
Cuckfield’s two first half goals were both of good quality. The first came when the striker got away down the Fatboys left but he still had a lot to do, cutting inside and bending the ball into the top corner past the helpless Jones.
The second arrived when the left winger produced a delightful first touch with his chest which took Rob Lloyd completely out the game. The Whitebelly then used the time and space he’d created for himself to hit a crisp volley for 2-0.
Walsh was restored to his strikers berth and Collins dropped into centre back at the start of the second half in order to try and allow the Fatboys to play out from the back but that plan never really took off despite Collins’ best efforts, although Laurence Ridgewell was at least less isolated with Walsh alongside him.
Brown meanwhile had entered proceedings and was soon screaming in the referees face about the advantage rule after the man in the middle pulled play back for a foul when Brown had managed to get in on goal. Betfair subsequently reported a collapse in the price of Brown to be the first Fatboy to be sin binned this season following their controversial introduction to the Sussex Sunday League.
After that third goal, Ballantyne subbed himself off with Lloyd dropping into centre back, showing the sort of versatility that is sorely needed if Britain to avoid crashing out of the EU without a deal.
He was soon joined by 45-year-old Humphrey as Collins moved into the midfield to partner Dave Linehan and this had a galvanising effect for the final 20 minutes. With Thwaites and Ananda Hoque bombing on from the full back positions, two goals in quick succession followed.
Walsh claimed the first, leaping like the proverbial salmon to meet a Brown cross from the right wing with a header with a remarkable amount of power on it that simply flew in.
45-year-old Humphrey then rose to meet a Poulton free kick but his flicked header was somehow tipped onto the post at full stretch by the Cuckfield keeper, much to 45-year-old Humphrey’s obvious shock as 10 minutes later he could still be heard shouting “How’s be saved that?”
There was nothing the goalkeeper could do about the next goal bound header however, Thwaites embarking on a lung bursting run from left back to contort his body and meet Walsh’s cross with a remarkable diving header at the back post.
Town looked rattled at that, but there wasn’t quite enough time for the Fatboys to find what would have been an underserved leveller and the visitors held on for the win to avenge their 6-3 defeat of last season.
For the Fatboys, this may have been a first defeat after three consecutive wins but the final 15 minutes were encouraging at least. Imagine what this side could achieve if they could be bothered for the other 75?
FATBOYS (4-3-3)
Nick Jones
Made two excellent stops, one in each half. Harsh to apportion much blame on him for the Chuckle Brothers moment, although he didn’t react well to Thwaites laughing at him managing to catch a ball.
Rhyan Thwaites
His remarkable pre-season form continues, this time with a diving header that defied the laws of science.
Jordan Walsh
Again showed great professionalism to spend the first half at centre back where he crunched Stuart Brown. Then scored a bullet header when put up top in the second.
John Humphrey
Put in a number of key blocks at centre back and did some good things in a brief central midfield cameo. Can probably still be heard somewhere right now asking how his header didn’t go in.
Jon Ballantyne
A thoroughly entertaining day of work in which he did all manner of weird and wonderful things. Ended the game coming back on on the left wing, where it was thought he could do least damage.
Dave Linehan
Plenty of hard work in both halves and his qualities shined through when the Fatboys got him on the ball more in the second.
Ryan Collins
Struggled to see much of the ball in the first half. In the second, he had a brief spell as a ball playing centre back but it was when he moved back into midfield that the Fatboys comeback started.
Rob Lloyd
Mr Versatile played central midfield, left back and added centre back as another string to his bow in an impressive cameo there in the final 20 minutes.
Laurence Ridgewell
His service was virtually non-existent in the first half. Came into it more in the second and had one good opportunity but was denied by a decent save.
Joe Brockes
Looked out-of-sorts, although he was still the Fatboys best attacker in the first half. Had one decent chance but couldn’t hit the target.
SUBS
Ananda Hoque
Offered an attacking threat from right back in the second half, creating the space which allowed Walsh to cross to set up Thwaites for his moment of brilliance.
Andy Brown
His introduction at least added a little enthusiasm to the side. One fantastic moment when he berated the referee and then apologised profusely followed by a great hanging cross for Walsh’s goal.
GOALS
78′ Walsh, assist Brown.
85′ Thwaites, assist Walsh.
MAN OF THE MATCH
Rhyan Thwaites continued his stunning pre-season form, weighing in with a quite beautiful diving header for good measure.