Hassocks Fatboys 8-2 AFC 2015 Reserves

 

It rained both the wet stuff and goals at Clayton Rec as Hassocks Fatboys racked up another big home win, this time against AFC 2015 Reserves.

The final score was 8-2 to go with the 6-1 win over Kemp Town in the previous home game and a 5-3 opening day victory over Pevensey & Westham.

Not that anyone connected with the Fatboys was expecting such a scoreline before kick off. Three players didn’t bother to turn up without a single world of warning, leaving a bare 11 which included an injured Scott McCarthy and a half fit John Humphrey who has just turned 46, in case you didn’t know.

Luckily, the Fatboys have Nick Davie. Davie had been rewarded for his man of the match stint in goal during the second half of last weeks defeat against Physics Athletico by being dropped to the reserves for their game against Amici Athletic.

Thankfully, the second string were only playing down the road at Waterhall and so a quick call was made to Davie, who jumped in his car and raced over Clayton Hill, no doubt hoping to put in a performance that he could tell everyone going to Plumpton Races about afterwards. He wasn’t to be disappointed in that regard.

One of the undoubted advantages about playing at Clayton – other than the obvious fact that the ground maintenance isn’t sub-contracted to Mother Nature and the wind as is apparently the case with Brighton and Hove City Council pitches this year – is how close the changing rooms are.

There’s no more of this covering a distance greater than the circumference of Jupiter to get from changing room to pitch, like at Waterhall. That meant that the Fatboys could shelter in the warm and dry until shortly before kick off, or in the case of Dave Keane and Jamie Wilkes, 30 seconds before kick off. Keane in the process became the first duck in history to avoid rain.

This lack of warm up would explain why the Fatboys found themselves going 1-0 down inside of 10 minutes to opponents playing only their third game together as a team.

There had been quite the furore when AFC 2015 Reserves appeared in Division One after two games of the season, with many clubs not happy that a new side could join the league once the competition had started. We at Hassocks Fatboys were a bit mystified about what it could mean for the integrity of the division.

No need to worry now though. AFC are literally 13 blokes who wanted to play football and a man who doesn’t mind giving up his Sunday’s to manage who have thrown together to form a side. That’s never going to be easy and fair play to AFC for keeping at it right until the bitter end.

Their first goal was a cracker as well, a stonking effort from just inside the box that flew into the top corner. How the ball ended up with an AFC player able to shoot was less impressive.

As soon as AFC delivered a cross from the left, it became apparent that 46-year-old Humphrey had lost his man. 46-year-old Humphrey’s reaction to this was, depending on your viewpoint, either genius or scandalous as he threw himself through the air in a perfect swan dive while screaming that he’d been fouled.

The referee was quite understandably not fooled by this absolutely ridiculous dive and it’s fair to say 46-year-old Humphrey won’t be in the running for the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor come awards season in February.

So, 1-0 down and with an outrageous piece of play acting in the book, things surely couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong, as Jon Ballantyne became the first player in Fatboys history to be sin binned.

When the FA bought in sin bins as part of their Respect campaign, it was designed to stop dissent, swearing and abuse towards referees. “You ******* ****”, “Referee you cheating *******”,“**** off you ******* *******”, “That’s a ******* joke you ******* disgrace”. That sort of thing.

Ballantyne’s crime was shouting “YOU MADMAN” at the referee, which must rank as the most middle class sin binning of all time. Not that anyone on the Fatboys side was complaining come the end of Ballantyne’s 10 minutes on the sideline as by then, the Greens were 2-1 ahead.

There must be something about playing AFC with 10 men that suits the Fatboys. We famously beat their first team 3-1 last season despite playing shorthanded for over 70 minutes after Walsh was dismissed. This time, it was Andy Brown and Walsh who were on target in quick succession, Brown rounding the goalkeeper after collecting Walsh’s pass and then Walsh swept home a Keane cross.

Ballantyne was waved back on after that despite his team mates begging the referee to drag out the sin bin for a little longer. When the official said he couldn’t do that, Jack Lewis tried to take one for the team having seen how well the Fatboys had done with 10 men by attempting to get himself sent off for tackling someone with his head.

This would’ve been funny were it not so dangerous as Lewis screamed “JACK’S BALLLLLLL” at the top of his voice, only to end up charging like a goat head first into an AFC player’s sternum with so much force it sent him across the border and into Ditchling.

Remarkably, the AFC player wasn’t killed and even more remarkably, Lewis got away with a booking. For a man who proudly told everyone on the first days of the campaign how he hadn’t been booked all last season, that’s two yellows in three appearances so far in this campaign.

Stuart Brown added the third with an assist from Wilkes that the young midfielder has rather helpfully described himself. “I flicked it through the number eight’s legs, chipped it over the bald midfielder, did a couple of step overs and then passed it to Stuart….I think.” Sounds reasonable.

3-1 was the score at half time although it should’ve been more. The keeper made several good saves and there were plenty of glaring misses from the Fatboys, the best of which saw a still drunk Brown opt to Maradona turn his way into a one-on-one situation past three players, go back out the box and then beat the same players a second time around before attempting a back heeled finish which went straight at the keeper. To compound matters further, Walsh then came steaming in but achieved the seemingly impossible by smashing the rebound out for a throw when he was five yards out and with an open goal.

Walsh didn’t have to wait long after the restart for his second, netting with the second half just five minutes old. This was the sort of bad luck that the Fatboys often suffer with, so it was strange to see comical misfortune strike the opposition for once.

Stuart Brown played a long ball over the top which the AFC goalkeeper came racing out to clear. Unfortunately for him, he only succeeded in smashing the ball into the back of his defender, sending it back towards his goal with Walsh racing through. He managed to roll this one into the empty net rather than hit the corner flag.

Walsh added his third when teed up by Keane after a rampaging run from right back by Rob Lloyd and Walsh’s fourth came shortly after when he was set up by Stuart Brown and Chris Britton then nearly got a quite brilliant assist of his own for AFC. With McCarthy unable to take goal kicks, Britton used his turn to play a short ball across goal to Ballantyne at left back.

Normally, this wouldn’t have been a problem, but Britton’s kick was lacking both pace and direction as it rolled straight to an AFC striker. The Fatboys didn’t have a goalkeeper at this point either, McCarthy hobbling back from where he had retrieved the ball way out near the corner flag, screaming “CHRIS, I’M NOT IN GOAL… CHRIS, I’M NOT IN GOAL… CHRIS I’M NOT IN GOAL” in an increasingly panicked voice as he could foresee the problem that was about to arise.

Remarkably, the AFC striker smashed the ball high and wide with quite literally nobody in the goal. That led to frustrations boiling over for the visitors, who had a player of their own sin binned. Shortly after, their winger failed to grasp the basics of a throw in as he tried twice to volley it back into play.

Ballantyne’s advice of “Its a throw in. You need to throw it in,” didn’t seem to help matters, nor did the referee asking if AFC could get someone else to take the throw. As a result, the non-thrower took his anger out on 46-year-old Humphrey, who required no acting this time as he was nastily clattered.

Stuart Brown began complaining incessantly at this point that nobody was passing to him so Walsh passed it to him and Brown got his second and the Fatboys sixth. Davie then entered the fray in place of Ballantyne and soon claimed an assist for the seventh, hitting a wonderful curling pass down the left channel to set Andy Brown away and the captain duly cut inside and finished with aplomb.

The Fatboys couldn’t have Davie doing things like that and so McCarthy instantly conceded a second goal and hobbled off, forcing Davie to play in goal for the second week in succession. He didn’t concede for the remaining five minutes, giving him an assist and a clean sheet and that aforementioned tale for everyone at Plumpton who would listen and even those who wouldn’t.

There was still time for Walsh to add his fourth of the game and his sides eighth after another assist by Stuart Brown before the final whistle blew. Tougher tests lie in wait, but for now it’s encouraging that the Fatboys can produce the worst dive in footballing history, the worst sin bin in footballing history, the worst miss in football history and the worst goal kick in footballing history and still win 8-2.
 

FATBOYS (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Did nothing but pick the ball out of his net twice and fail to throw the ball further than five metres when attempting to distribute. Which was just as well seeing as he only had one working leg.
Rob Lloyd
Faced a tricky winger but he still managed to get forward and support Keane, playing a vital part in the Fatboys fifth goal of the morning.
John Humphrey
There is nothing to say about his performance other than to mention that fantastic dive. Again.
Chris Britton
Played the ball out from the back superbly and was always looking to get his side moving. He also tried to get the opposition moving with that ill-advised goal kick.
Jon Ballantyne
An interesting first 20 minutes saw him fall over nothing and lie on the crowd doing a front crawl swimming stroke rather than getting up. He then got sin binned. Did alright after that.
Andy Brown
Scored twice and could’ve had a couple more. Don’t think we’ll be seeing him try to score with a back heel again anytime soon.
Jack Lewis
Effective use of the headbutt to sternum challenge earned him his second booking of the campaign. He was clever with the ball and offered a phenomenal work rate otherwise.
Jame Wilkes
A really positive showing from the youngster on his home debut. He ran the show in the middle, beat people at ease and has already demonstrated a real flair for speaking bollocks with the description of his assist.
Dave Keane
You’d think that a duck would thrive in the wet weather, but this was one of his quieter games. He still managed to register two assists though. Don’t think he stepped foot in the Fatboys half once.
Jordan Walsh
A real workhorse up front, he was rewarded with four goals and two assists in a showing that pushed Wilkes close for man of the match.
Stuart Brown
A performance that harked back to his heyday with two assists, three goals and his team mates becoming so incensed with his moaning that they refused to pass to him at times.
 

SUBS

Nick Davie
Found himself going in goal for the second week running. Before that, he added a surprisingly good assist with a tasty ball down the line for Andy Brown’s goal. Picked one winner at Plumpton afterwards.
 

GOALS

17′ A Brown, assist Walsh
19′ Walsh, assist Keane
31′ S Brown, assist Wilkes
54′ Walsh, assist S Brown
57′ Walsh, assist S Brown
77′ S Brown, assist Walsh
85′ A Brown, assist Davie
88′ Walsh, assist Keane
 

SIN BINS

Ballantyne, calling the referee a “madman”
 

BOOKINGS

Lewis, using his head as a battering ram to knock a bloke into Ditchling
 

MAN OF THE MATCH

Jordan Walsh notched four goals, two assists and never stopped running but Jamie Wilkes was a constant menace throughout on his full debut.