B Town Flooring 3-4 Hassocks Fatboys

 

There is something about playing lower division teams in the Roy Terrington Trophy that seems to bring out the worst in Hassocks Fatboys. Last year, the Fatboys were very lucky to get away with defeating Hove 2-1 to progress to the second round of the competition. This year, they robbed a 4-3 win from Division Two side B Town Flooring at sunny Victoria Park.

Having not played for three weeks, the odds were always in favour of a rubbish performance from the Fatboys. Historically, we always seem to lose after any sort of break with last years 6-2 defeat away at Rudgwick Panthers SX in the Sussex Sunday Challenge Cup in which the hosts stormed into a four-goal lead inside of 15 minutes being particularly enjoyable.

Then there was the normal raft of pull outs to deal with on the morning of the game. Jake Philpott had “the shits” as he so bluntly put it, a remarkably convenient time for him to develop stomach problems given he’d been spotted out drinking at 2am on Saturday night.

Rhyan Thwaites had managed to pick up flu, probably due to too much ice in his Magners during a Saturday session in Wetherspoons and Dave Linehan decided to work at the last minute. With Jon Ballantyne struggling with both an injury and the fact he was still quite clearly pissed out of his mind, it meant a late call to the reserves with Sam Harding taking one for the team and rushing from Waterhall to take up a spot on the bench.

Things didn’t go particularly well in the warm up either when the pre-game shooting drill saw more children playing on the adjacent pitch hit with balls than went into the goal. Despite this, it was the Fatboys who stormed into an early 3-0 lead to leave most of us thinking that this was going to be a formality.

The first goal came from Jamie Wilkes at right back, making it two in two starts for the new signing. Wilkes was keen to burst forward at every opportunity and it was from one such adventure that he opened the scoring, sending in a looping ball from out on the right that, despite the fact the Fatboys were kicking into a strong wind, dropped over the head of the B Town goalkeeper and in.

There was much debate after the game about whether the goal was intention. Wilkes was adamant that it was but less convinced were the rest of the team with Dave Keane going so far as to claim it was “bollocks” to suggest that it was a shot rather than a cross.

It was Keane who added the second from the penalty spot after Jordan Walsh was wiped out just inside the area when running through on goal. Walsh had earlier produced comfortably the worst miss of the season so far when Keane got down the right and crossed low and hard to the back post, where Walsh was able to bring the ball under control and no more than three yards out had an entire open goal to aim at but remarkably, he somehow put it wide. So bad was the miss that nobody actually said anything, there was just stunned silence before Ballantyne burst into hysterical laughter.

2-0 soon became 3-0 with a trademark Andy Brown goal from distance and that really should have been game over until things went drastically wrong. B Town are the only other team in the league who wear a garish bright green kit and this meant that the Fatboys were in the new purple away number for the first time. Most of them seemed to forget this and began passing to the men in green with alarming regularity.

The worst offender for this was Chris Britton and it was from one such instance that resulted in B Town pulling a goal back. Christ only knows what Britton was thinking as he turned towards his own goal and played a back pass towards Scott McCarthy with all the power and speed of an Eddie Stobart lorry going up Mount Everest.

The result was the B Town flooring striker latching onto the loose ball and rounding McCarthy to slot into an empty goal, giving Britton the opposition assist he has been so desperately craving this season. He nearly got it against AFC 2015 Reserves when playing a goal kick straight to the centre forward, so it was a relief to see him finally get off the mark here.

This did not please Stuart Brown who had his first of many meltdowns of the day, screaming at Britton from the other end of the pitch. That would set the tone for the rest of Stuart’s morning as he spent the rest of the game wandering around with a face like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle.

Next, it was brother Andy’s turn to become irate as 46-year-old John Humprey gave away a fifth foul of the morning right on the edge of the Fatboys penalty area. Captain Brown grabbed the ball, punched it to the ground and screamed “CAN WE STOP GIVING AWAY STUPID ****ING FREE KICKS.”

Yes and no was the answer, for the Fatboys didn’t give away another free kick but instead managed to concede a penalty. The striker didn’t seem to be going anywhere when 46-year-old Humphrey came sliding in in an attempt to separate the opposition player’s ankle from the rest of his body, leading the referee no choice but to point to the spot.

Luckily for Humphrey, McCarthy was set to have one of his better games of the season and pulled off an excellent stop from the penalty, diving down to his left and not only managing to keep the ball out but holding onto it too.

The Fatboys managed to make it to half time 3-1 ahead at which point they were forced into a change. Ballantyne’s ankle had now swollen up to be even bigger than his front teeth which meant he was replaced by Ananda Hoque, on for his first competitive action of the season. There was a tactical adjustment as well, Stuart Brown dropping into left back with Wilkes moving into midfield.

Stuart took this with typical good grace and selfless attitude, at first refusing to play at full back and then when it was revealed he had no choice, saying he was never going to play for the club again. He managed to launch his toys so far our of his pram that one of them was last seen hurtling past the International Space Station at a right of knots. Despite all this, we look forward to seeing him at Clayton Rec next week for the visit of AFC Stanley Old Boys.

Just like in the first half, the Fatboys wasted no time in scoring at the start of the second as Andy Brown made it 4-1 with an effort from distance that the goalkeeper interestingly tried to kick away but only succeeded in completely missing.

Joe Brockes thought he had made it 5-1 with a brilliantly struck free kick that flew past the wall and into the back of the net, only for the goal to be disallowed as the referee had signalled that it was in fact an indirect free kick. With Wilkes shouting “Brockesy, it’s indirect, Brockesy, don’t shoot it’s indirect, BROCKESY IT’S INDIRECT”, the Goblin strode up and hit it anyway before looking very bemused at the whole turn of events.

The Fatboys could have done with that goal as B Town would go onto net another two of their own. The first was a well hit shot from the edge of the box after a striker had danced around three weak challenges and the second came in the final minutes, a quick counter attack down the Fatboys left ending with a cross to the far post and a tap in.

In between those two goals, McCarthy pulled off another stop low down to his left which, along with the penalty save, turned out to be match winning. Britton and 46-year-old Humphrey put in a number of crucial blocks although 46-year-old Humphrey did do his best to tempt fate, shouting “THIS IS WHEN JOHN IS IN HIS ELEMENT” after one last ditch tackle.

Regular readers will know that whenever 46-year-old Humphrey tends to shout something like this, it always backfires. The best example came against AFC 2015 two seasons ago when he bellowed “NOTHING’S GETTING PAST JOHN TODAY” after heading a cross behind from a corner. From said corner, he then scored an own goal.

Nothing like that happened this time unfortunately and some excellent holding midfield work from Jack Lewis ensured that the Fatboys progressed to the next round and a meeting with Hangover 96, the side who eliminated us from the competition last season.

There was a late run out for Harding who showed some nice touches on the left of the front three after replacing Brockes late on, even setting up Keane who missed an open goal. Duck had bought his hen along with him and if she was in any doubt about how bad the miss was, Ballantyne was only too happy to tell her by turning around and saying “Your boyfriend is a twat.” Rosie didn’t disagre.

To be fair, that description could have gone to most of the side given the below par performance, but it’s the sign of a good team to win when you aren’t playing well. The result made it six wins from seven so far this season, but the Green Army know they’ll need to improve on this showing.
 

FATBOYS 4-3-3

Scott McCarthy
Best performance since the opening day of the season. His penalty save proved crucial but the one low down to his left in the second half was even better.
Jamie Wilkes
Played the first half at right back from where he scored. Played the second half in midfield from where he got an assist. A good mornings work for the young man.
John Humphrey
Gave away a ridiculous penalty but at least seemed to cut out the diving this week. “This is when John is in his element” was a bold shout but one he backed up in the final 10 minutes.
Chris Britton
After being a rock at the back in the last game against Tally Ho, he claimed the opposition assist he has been craving this season. Other than that it was a decent performance.
Jon Ballantyne
Was quite clearly off his face on arrival but he did well to get through 45 minutes before succumbing to an ankle problem. Hopefully it won’t keep him out for too long.
Andy Brown
Two more goals for the captain, although the second owed a lot to a goalkeeping error. He also played the pass that released Wilkes down the right for his wonder cross.
Jack Lewis
Asked to play a bit deeper in the absence of Philpott, he excelled in the role by constantly winning back possession after somebody in front of him had given it away.
Stuart Brown
Got through three positions, starting in midfield then moving to the left and finally playing the second half at left back. Had a meltdown to rival his famous rant when started at right back against Kemp Town back in 2015.
Dave Keane
Missed a sitter but did claim another assist, teeing up Brown for his second. Had a lovely argument with Stuart in the second half. Some would say he was spitting feathers.
Jordan Walsh
Didn’t get on the scoresheet for the second game running but proved to be a real handful up top with his willingness to run, earning the penalty for the Fatboys’ second.
Joe Brockes
Hit a quite brilliant free kick in the second which was unfortunately disallowed for not being direct. Used the ball well otherwise, it was marked how much worse the Fatboys were in possession with him off.
 

SUBS

Ananda Hoque
Returned to the fray with a good second half showing at right back. One perfectly timed tackle and run up the line was a highlight.
Sam Harding
Got 15 minutes at the end for his first team debut. Looked tidy on the ball, used it sensibly and did plenty of defensive backtracking as the Fatboys clung onto victory.
 

GOALS

14′ Wilkes, assist A Brown
18′ Keane, assist Walsh
23′ A Brown, assist Keane
48′ A Brown, assist Wilkes
 

MAN OF THE MATCH

Nobody really stood out but Scott McCarthy‘s penalty save and the stop in the second half proved to be the difference, so he just takes it from Jamie Wilkes and Jack Lewis.