Hassock Fatboys 5-0 Kemp Town
Ryan John, you have atoned for your sins. A week ago, John’s no show left Hassocks Fatboys with a bare 11 players to scrape their way to a 3-2 County Trophy win away at Crawley Cosmos.
His punishment began in earnest when he had the nerve to show up to the Club on Sunday afternoon for the Fatboys Christmas Lunch. John was forced to drink numerous pints of London Pride. He was then given a number of horrific shots from the top shelf to consume while being slapped around the head by Andy Brown and Dave Keane.
The punishments continued this week. He was dragged all the way to Rottingdean on the coldest day of the year and made to sit on the bench. Then, as one final measure, he was castrated by a Dan Turner volley straight into the groinal region that should ensure he can never have children. Justice, as the Pete Bush’s and Bushy Pete’s of this world might say.
Aside from taking a rock hard ball in the testicle at 100mph, it was actually a pretty good morning for John. He scored twice in the second half after being introduced as Hassocks Fatboys eased past Kemp Town and through to another round in another cup.
I’d love to be able to tell you what cup this was, but unfortunately I don’t have a clue. The Fatboys seem to have been entered into every single knockout competition going this season to the point where we’ve only played three league games since September 23rd.
There’s the Roy Terrington Trophy, the George Milyard Cup, the Ron Pavey Bowl, the Sussex Sunday Challenge Trophy, the Moldovan Checkatrade Trophy, the Europa League, the Big Bash League, the Stanley Cup and the Asian Cup of Nations. It wouldn’t be a surprise to hear that it’s a nice jaunt to Russia next week for Hassocks Fatboys v Nizhny Novogrod Fatboys in the Vladimir Putin Invitational. Given that a pint of beer was £1.50 and a vodka shot 90p there during the World Cup, that would actually be a decent draw.
All these cup games mean that the Fatboys are desperate to get games on to avoid a fixture backlog come the end of the season. That led to farcical scenes in the run up to this one which exemplified Sunday League football at its very best.
Firstly, Clayton Rec was deemed unfit on Friday afternoon as part of Mid Sussex District Council’s blanket postponement of every pitch they own, despite the Fatboys’ own inspection revealing that it both looked and felt like a carpet.
That necessitated a desperate Saturday call to the league who helpfully managed to point us towards Stanmer Park. Then, at 9am on Sunday morning the appointed referee pulled out. At 9.30am, the squad arrived at Stanmer to find one pitch which was already in use.
With one hour until kick off, there was no pitch and no referee. Remarkably, everyone managed to make the journey down the B2123 to Happy Valley which wasn’t in use, Jordan Walsh sourced a referee at the last minute and by 10.40am we were underway. A fantastic effort from all concerned and credit must go to Kemp Town who went along with the whole charade without so much as a grumble.
With a ridiculous wind howling across the pitch, this was never going to be a classic. Every time the ball left the ground, it was picked up and blown miles away down the hill at the side of the pitch, meaning that Rob Lloyd running the line on the side that the wind was blowing across to probably covered more ground than anyone else in the first half chasing after the thing when it flew out of play every two minutes.
Whilst most of the Fatboys accepted the difficulty of the conditions, Stuart Brown became an increasingly frustrated figure, much to everyone’s enjoyment. He first went mad at Dave Linehan for over hitting a pass, then at brother Andy when a one-two went awry and finally at Walsh when he didn’t slip the through ball.
The noise Stuart made at this point was indescribable. It went on for a good 30 seconds and the closest thing to it is probably a woman going through a really, really painful childbirth experience.
Turners long throws were putting Kemp Town through a painful experience of their own and it was from one big toss into the box that the Fatboys opened the scoring with around 20 minutes played, Andy Brown heading the ball past the opposition goalkeeper for 1-0.
The second goal arrived 10 minutes later and this was a real collectors item. The last time Justin Parker outpaced someone Henry VIII was on honeymoon with his third wife but here was Parker popping up on the right, skinning the full back and delivering a low cross which Stuart Brown converted.
Parker claimed another assist for the third on 36 minutes. His perfectly weighted corner dropped at the far post and with Kemp Town unable to clear their lines, 46-year-old John Humphrey was on hand to rifle the ball home through a crowd of players.
46-year-old Humphrey is in a rich vein of goalscoring form at the minute and that was his second goal in his past three appearances. After being routinely mocked for celebrating the first of those against against Tally Ho by running away screaming “WHAT A GOAL” after tapping in from a yard, he refused to celebrate here, instead walking back to the halfway like with his hands placed firmly on his hips.
Ryan John was allowed to enter the action at half time in place of Ballantyne with Parker dropping into full back and the Fatboys going 4-4-2. The new arrival soon made an impact, being sent clear by Andy Brown to slot under the goalkeeper for 4-0.
Linehan then made way for Lloyd with Hoque pushing forward onto the wing while Turner and Chris Britton made frequent raids forward from centre back, Britton finding himself popping up on the left side of attack on more than one occasion in a hark back to the days when he used to think he was a striker.
Scott McCarthy was a virtual spectator, dealing with just one cross in the second half and the Fatboys should have added to their lead but John placed the ball just wide of the upright and Stuart Brown was the victim of a crunching tackle in the box that somehow wasn’t given as a foul.
In a rare sign of brotherly love between two siblings who claim to hate each other, Andy Brown went looking for retribution for his fallen relative against the man who had clattered him and was lucky not to be carded as a result.
By this point, Britton had become so bored at the back that he took it upon himself to start taking corners. It was from one such delivery that John’s unplanned vasectomy occurred, the ball falling to Turner on the edge of the box who hit the sweetest, crispest volley you’ll ever see. It arrowed through the air and looked destined for the back of the net until it crashed into John who couldn’t get out of the way fast enough.
After lengthy treatment, he was not only able to carry on, but he then added the fifth with 10 minutes remaining. Another corner caused chaos in the box and Hoque’s improvised bicycle kick fell to the feet of John who scored with a cheeky backheel to confirm the Fatboys place in the next round.
Next stop, Pevensey & Westam. Or AFC Stanley Old Boys. Or Crawley Cosmos. Or Nizhny Novogrod. Who knows?
FATBOYS (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
Two routine raves and one cross to catch. He could’ve sat down and opened up his copy of ‘Successful Selling Solutions’ by Julian Clay that somebody gave him in last week’s Secret Santa, he was that underemployed.
Ananda Hoque
Had to do a minimal amount of defending in the first half before being pushed onto the wing in the second. Claimed an assist for the fifth with a clever overhead kick.
Dan Turner
Didn’t put a foot wrong defensively but his best work came at the other end of the pitch, setting up Brown for the opener with a monstrous throw and then hitting the volley that crashed into John’s bollocks.
Chris Britton
Decided at one point to see how high he get the ball in the wind with some excellent clearances, went on a few runs up the left wing and even took some corners. Not a bad morning’s work from centre back.
Jon Ballantyne
Had an untroubled 45 minutes at left back. Produced some fantastic laughter when Stuart had his third meltdown of the morning.
Justin Parker
What on Earth happened here? Two assists including one when he knocked the ball around a man and completely did him for pace. Another impressive performance.
John Humphrey
Pushed forward into midfield to play in the Jake Philpott holding role. His heading ability was particularly important in the wind and he got himself on the score sheet again.
Andy Brown
A flying header to open the scoring and then produced the perfect pass through for John to net the fourth. Tried to keep the ball on the ground which was sensible given the conditions.
Dave Linehan
Had the beating of his full back all morning and went close with a couple of dipping efforts in the first half. Came off early in the second to be replaced by Lloyd.
Jordan Walsh
A rare game without a goal for the Fatboys top scorer but he worked hard in attack again. He also did a fantastic job in finding a referee at 9.30am.
Stuart Brown
A stunning first half meltdown. Scored with a neat finish whilst his markers only answer to stopping him was to scythe him down at every opportunity.
SUBS
Ryan John
Has now been suitably punished for his no show of the previous week. Came on at the break to get his first brace in Fatboys colours as well losing his manhood.
Rob Lloyd
Asked McCarthy if he could bench after his 9th Guinness of the day in a strange pub in Surbiton the night before. Came on and did well at right back given he was on the side that the wind was howling over to.
GOALS
19′ A Brown, assist Turner
29′ S Brown, assist Parker
36′ Humphrey, assist Parker
55′ John, assist A Brown
79′ John, assist Hoque