Hassocks Fatboys lost in the league for the second time in the 2018-19 season after a 3-2 defeat away at Bison Beer

Clinical Bison inflict more Nevill Rec misery on Fatboys

Bison Beer 3-2 Hassocks Fatboys

 

Can we never play at Nevill Rec again please? There is something about that small patch of grass sandwiched between Greyhound Stadium and Blatchington Mill that has a detrimental impact on Hassocks Fatboys footballing ability.

The first team’s last visit to this corner of Hove in 2017 saw them go down to a record 12-2 defeat against AFC 2015, a game notable for John Humphrey, a sprightly 44 years of age back then, screaming “NOTHING’S GETTING PAST JOHN TODAY” before scoring an own goal 30 seconds later.



The visit before that saw Andy Brown having to play on the right wing in a 3-0 defeat as he was still so pissed from the night before that he was seeing double and the time before that, Joe Brockes had to make the journey in the boot of a car as the Fatboys gave one of their worst ever performances against Lord Nelson in 2015, committing a daylight robbery to win 3-2 through Alex Ternouth’s last minute winner.

On this latest visit, it was Bison Beer who inflicted a second Division One defeat of the season on the Fatboys, winning a hard-fought encounter 3-2. Really, the visitors should have taken something from the game. Playing anywhere but this most devilish of venues, they might have done.

In the first half alone, the Fatboys had three goals disallowed. One of those there could be no real arguments about, Jordan Walsh’s header from a Dave Keane corner coming after a bit of argy-bargy in the box.

The other two though probably should have stood. On both occasions, Walsh and Stuart Brown looked to have latched onto through balls having run from behind a defender yet on both occasions, the Bison linesman raised his flag to rule the goals out for offside.

This infuriated the still-suspended Andy Brown on the sideline who began shouting about “the benefit of the doubt”, as if he was a parent who thinks they’ve just caught their six-year-old kid doing something naughty but can’t be sure, rather than a 28-year-old man watching a game of Sunday League football.

As easy as it would be to blame the linesman, the Fatboys finishing was an even bigger reason as to why Bison won the game. We could be here all day listing the missed opportunities, but some of the golden ones included:

  • Walsh and Brown running into each other with only the goalkeeper to beat after a huge punt forward from Scott McCarthy
  • Brown beating two men but smashing the one-on-one chance he’d created over the bar
  • Ryan John firing straight at the goalkeeper with the goal gaping, followed two minutes later by a lovely little scoop with dropped agonisingly over
  • Walsh collecting Brown’s wayward shot but with the angle tight, succeeding in only hitting his effort into the grateful keepers hands
  • Jack Lewis hitting a surprisingly accurate piledriver goalwards, only to be denied by a brilliant block
  • What felt like 40 to 50 headers from a variety of individuals from Dan Turner’s famous long throws, which either went inches over the bar or dropped just wide.
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    Perhaps this profligacy in front of goal shouldn’t have come as a surprise given the shambles that was the warm up. Behind one of the goals was a locked cage to which there was no access. Clearly, if a ball went in there it wasn’t coming out and the instructions during the pre-game shooting drill were either aim low or better yet, away from the cage completely.

    I’m sure you can see where this is going. Jon Ballantyne had the first shot of the day and bang, it flew straight into the cage. Five minutes and around 20 shots later and bang, Turner leathered one into the cage. Ananda Hoque went close to joining them before it was belatedly decided to sack off shooting in favour of standing around and talking about John getting chucked out of Old Trafford a couple of weeks ago.

    The first half of the game could actually be split into two halves, with Bison dominating the first part and the Fatboys the second. The hosts scored once in the period they were on top, an unlucky slip from Chris Britton letting the winger in on goal and his selfless pull back with McCarthy attempting to narrow the angle presented the bald striker with an open goal.

    It could have been worse for the Fatboys. Either side of that goal there were key blocks from Ronnie Devonish, Rob Lloyd and Turner while Ananda Hoque also dealt admirably with a tricky wideman.

    It was once the Fatboys got onto their third formation of the morning with 20 minutes gone that they began to come into the game more. They’d begun with 4-3-3, Walsh playing in midfield with John up top and Keane and Brown either side. That was quickly altered to 4-4-2 with Walsh pushed up front alongside John and Brown and Keane as traditional wingers, but then everybody remembered that both Keane and Brown have a chronic phobia of tracking back and so 4-3-3 returned with John this time dropping into the middle three.

    John was impressive in this role, evening managing to get through the entire game without so much as a talking to from the referee, no mean feat considering that Bison’s aforementioned bald striker was a brilliant wind up merchant.

    He’d started by shouting “HOOOOOOOOOOOF” every time the Fatboys cleared the ball from defence, which given how much pressure we were under was quite a lot. What he didn’t seem to realise as he mocked this style of play was that it was actually a very effective tactic as the Bison back four looked about as comfortable dealing with the aerial ball as Piers Morgan would at the Vegan of the Year awards ceremony.

    “HOOOOOOOOOOOF” followed “HOOOOOOOOOOOF” followed “HOOOOOOOOOOOF” until the Fatboys scored an equaliser that came straight from a “HOOOOOOOOOOOF”, another huge heave forward from McCarthy causing panic among the Bison defence with the ball eventually falling to Keane who delivered a low cross which Walsh collected at the near post, rounding the goalkeeper and applying a neat finish.

    The Fatboys first goal may have come from a “HOOOOOOOOOOOF” but there was nothing so agricultural about their second which arrived eight minutes before the break. Keane swung over a corner which was only half cleared to the edge of the box where Turner was waiting to strike the sweetest of volleys that flew into the top corner from a full 25 yards. Not a bad way for the 18-year-old to open his account for the club.

    The second half was always likely to prove more challenging for the Fatboys given that they now had both the slope and the wind to contend with and Bison took full advantage of the conditions being in their favour, clinically dispatching their only two shots on target to win the game.

    Both those goals came within 10 minutes of each other, the first when a scuffed corner was somehow allowed to travel all the way to the back post where it was bundled home despite there being a glut of purple shirts on hand. The second saw Lloyd unfortunate to lose possession with the Bison winger taking full advantage to deliver a devilish cross which was turned past McCarthy via a deflection.

    Despite plenty of huffing and puffing and the introduction of Rhyan Thwaites for only his second appearance of the season, the Fatboys couldn’t find a way through as they were made to rue all those missed opportunities.



    Things got even worse afterwards for John, who had managed to lose a £50 pair of tracksuit bottoms. Quite how a tracksuit can cost £50 unless it is encrusted with diamonds or something I don’t know, but his mood wasn’t improved when Nick Davie helpfully said, “Oh yeah, I saw them in the changing room before the game, thought they might be yours. But left them. Sorry, probably should have picked them up.”

    When further pressed on this, Davie said he believed that they might have belonged to a “Broadchurch player”, an interesting excuse given that Broadchurch is actually a fictional town from the ITV drama of the same name starring Olivia Coleman and David Tennant and as such, probably doesn’t have a Sunday League team. Confirmation that Davie is in fact insane.

    Clearly, it’s not just the footballing abilities but also the minds of the Fatboys that Neville Rec has such a detrimental impact on.
     

    FATBOYS (4-3-3)

    Scott McCarthy
    Distribution was superb in the first half and with better finishing could have led to at least two goals. Faced just three shots and they all went in, not that there was much he could do about them.
    Ananda Hoque
    Did his best to get forward, especially in the first half with the wind behind the Fatboys back. Put in some crucial tackles.
    Dan Turner
    Won lots in the air which was especially important when defending the wind. You won’t see a sweeter strike than the volley for his first goal for the club.
    Chris Britton
    Had an unlucky slip in the build up to Bison’s first. Otherwise did well, especially when dealing with the bald striker who was a real handful.
    Rob Lloyd
    Most of Bison’s attacks came down his side which meant a busy morning at left back. Linked up well with Brown going forward, sending the strike away on a couple of occasions.
    Jack Lewis
    Came close to notching a rare goal with a couple of distance efforts. His new year’s resolution rolls past the 13 day mark after he managed to avoid getting booked for the second game in succession.
    Ronnie Devonish
    Thrived for the second week running in the holding midfield role. Didn’t stop running, constantly put Bison under pressure and drove his team forward in a man of the match display.
    Jordan Walsh
    Started the game in an attacking midfield role but was soon restored to his normal strikers berth, from where his 24th goal of the season arrived. Would’ve had more but for some questionable officiating decisions.
    Dave Keane
    Only had “a few beers” at the dogs and it showed as he gave one of his better performances. A constant threat down the right and ended the game with two assists.
    Ryan John
    A good performance on the pitch was only missing a goal. Looked less than pleased by having to go home in freezing conditions in a pair of small shorts after losing his trousers.
    Stuart Brown
    Probably his hardest working performance of the season. Should have scored, but we’ll forgive him that for the shift he put in down the left.
     

    SUBS

    Rhyan Thwaites
    Came on for his outing since October for the final 20 minutes. Was quite literally everywhere, even popping up at left back to win possession back at one point.
    Jon Ballantyne
    Unused
    Nick Davie
    Unused
     

    GOALS

    27′ Walsh, assist Keane
    37′ Turner, assist Keane
     

    MAN OF THE MATCH

    Jack Lewis did well, Dan Turner scored a screamer and Ryan John was a real threat but Ronnie Devonish was everywhere as he continues to thrive in his new central midfield role.