AFC Falmer 2-4 Hassocks Fatboys
There can be few more depressing places in the world to play football than Patcham Place on a windy Sunday morning.
Where to begin with the horrors? Let’s start with the pitch, which resembled a compost heap. Leaves, sand, mud, silt and goodness knows what else all mixed together to provide a surface that was like a river bed.
Then there is its location, right where two of the south’s major trunk roads, the A23 and the A27, meet. The noise from both dual carriageways is horrific and the levels of toxic diesel and petrol fumes you are exposed to over the course of 90 minutes probably speeds up the onset of dementia by at least 20 years.
Traffic billowing past at 70mph makes it colder than Siberia and then there is the wind, on this occasion a gale blowing down the pitch that meant there was little chance of an actual game of football breaking out as Hassocks Fatboys took on AFC Falmer. Think of that scene in Mary Poppins when, just before Mary flies down to 17 Cherry Tree Lane, all of the other nannies who have applied to Mr Banks’ advertisement are blown away and you’re getting close to how bad it was.
The team that won this was always going to be the one that was able to take advantage of the conditions. With the Fatboys managing to score three times with the gale and once without it to Falmer’s two wind-assisted efforts, it was the men in green who claimed three vital Division One points.
This was surprising given that the Fatboys Beer Pong Tournament had taken place the previous evening. Last year, we’d been unbeaten and top of the Premier Division before the Beer Pong Tournament on Saturday 30th September; a day later on Sunday 1st October, we dropped our first points of the season when drawing with Real Rosehill with 70% of the team still pissed from the night before. Tt was pretty much all downhill from there as we won only once more in the entire league campaign to end up being relegated.
This time around, most people were in remarkably good fettle the morning after the night before. Dan Turner won the crown of Beer Pong King yet he showed no ill effects and neither did runner up Jordan Walsh. In fact, only Nick Davie and Ando Knott looked to be in trouble, Davie suffering the double whammy of a terrible hangover and a broken heart after Hayley’s sister rejected his rather creepy advances.
Davie and Knott’s struggles led both to separately approach Scott McCarthy in the warm up to ask not to come on unless the situation was desperate. Five minutes after those requests, the Fatboys third substitute Jon Ballantyne also told the manager he was happy running the line for 90 minutes, leaving the Fatboys in the strange position of having three men on the bench but none of whom actually wanted to play.
They can’t have got much enjoyment out of watching as the football was dire. It was one way traffic in the first half with the game playing out like an old VHS tape that has got stuck on repeat. Falmer would get the ball into midfield but because of the wind, it was going no further. The Fatboys would return it deep into the Falmer half and hope for something to happen.
Something did happen on three occasions. Andy Brown’s hopeful hoof forward set up Jordan Walsh for the first. Chris Britton, excelling in a an unfamiliar holding midfield role, sent a header 30 yards down the pitch which put Stuart Brown in for the second. And Jack Lewis’ cushioned volley pass sent Walsh clear for the third, although Walsh did have a helping hand from the Falmer goalkeeper and defender who did a superb Chuckle Brothers impression by crashing into each other to leave an open goal.
The Fatboys managed to hold out for 25 minutes of the second half defending the wind before conceding when a long ball over the top left a one-on-one opportunity. Lewis “felt his hamstring” go at that point and subbed himself off, with Knott looking utterly devastated at his forced introduction from the bench. A long final 20 minutes looked in store – or so we thought.
For it was after Falmer wrestled their way back into the game that the Fatboys reasserted their authority on proceedings. Dan Turner and Ryan John were fantastic in the air and Ananda Hoque and Rob Lloyd in the full back positions became much-needed outlets, allowing the men in green to keep the ball on the ground as much as possible.
That brought the front three of Stuart Brown, Walsh and Dave Keane back into play and soon, the Fatboys were given a golden opportunity to make the game safe. Walsh latched onto a clever Britton pass and was hauled down in the box with the referee pointing to the spot. Up waddled Keane, who looked more nervous than a small nun at a penguin shoot.
Those nerves took their toll as Keane hit what was effectively a back pass straight to the Falmer goalkeeper, who got down to parry it away – straight back to Keane. Never mind everybody thought, he can’t miss an open goal from five yards with the keeper lying on his back. But oh yes, he could, Keane striking the rebound straight at the body of the goalkeeper with the ball spooning up and over the bar as a result.
It was an astonishing miss, with Keane’s watching girlfriend describing it as “horrendous”. It looked like it could prove costly shortly after when McCarthy was done by a wind assisted effort from way out on the left which dropped straight over his head and in at the back post. Stuart in particular was very understanding of the difficult conditions, launching into a fantastic diatribe that went on for approximately 10 days after the incident, until the next time he needed a lift from McCarthy.
Thankfully, both Keane and McCarthy’s blushes were spared as the prospect of a Falmer comeback was finally extinguished with 12 minutes remaining. This time, Stuart went down in the box under a heavy challenge from the goalkeeper with the referee again pointing to the spot.
Once Keane had been forcibly removed to a range of 200 metres away from the penalty area, Walsh showed him how it was done with a calm penalty struck hard and low into the bottom right hand corner to complete his hat-trick. Falmer went down to nine men after that as both their defender and goalkeeper were sin binned in the aftermath of Walsh’s successful conversion.
Rather brilliantly, the fact they only had to go off for 10 minutes wasn’t actually explained to them by the referee and so both Falmer players got changed out of their kits on the side of the pitch, believing they’d been red carded. It was only when the ref called them back on that they realised they could play the final four minutes.
Their returns to the action – with the keeper now playing up front – could not aid the Falmer cause though as the Fatboys hung on, even affording a run out to Davie for the final few minutes as punishment for his drunken behaviour the previous evening.
FATBOYS 4-3-3
Scott McCarthy
Could have pulled out a chair and sat down with a copy of The Sunday Times he was underemployed in the first half. Had to be alert coming off his line in the second although he did do “a Jonesy” when getting lobbed for Falmer’s second.
Ananda Hoque
Not an easy game to be a full back in. He took advantage of the lack of defending required in the first half to get forward but was more cautious in the second while always being a willing outlet.
Ryan John
Did his best to liven things up in the first half with a couple of passes made with his shoulder. Despite the wind, he even managed to get forward in the second half to find himself one-on-one with the goalkeeper but he very sportingly ran the ball out of play for a goal kick.
Dan Turner
Defended brilliantly against the wind and his long throws caused problems both with and without the wind. Given how far he can launch a ball, it shouldn’t really have come as a surprise that he won the Beer Pong tournament.
Rob Lloyd
Sensible defending and linked up well with Stuart Brown going forward in the second half before he was replaced with Davie for the final 10 minutes.
Chris Britton
Moved into the defensive midfield role to cover for the absence of Ronnie Devonish. The decision worked a treat as he took the man-of-the-match award and even managed to claim an assist.
Jack Lewis
After last week’s meltdown against Physics Athletico, he seems to have rediscovered the art of the legal tackle. Played a crucial role in winning back possession in the first half and then setting up attacks which saw him notch an impressive assist for the third.
Andy Brown
First game back after a three game ban and he showed the willing that the Fatboys have perhaps been missing over the last few weeks. Set up Walsh for the Fatboys first goal.
Dave Keane
Missed a penalty. That’s all you need to know.
Jordan Walsh
Another hat-trick takes him onto 27 goals for the season. He’s also won back the right to take penalties, converting confidently after that absolute shocker from Keane 20 minutes earlier.
Stuart Brown
Scored the Fatboys second but more impressive was the defensive work he did, tracking back and making tackles in the second half which was a big help with the wind causing so much chaos.
SUBS
Ando Knott
His hangover meant he didn’t want to come on, but was pressed into action midway through the first half when Lewis “felt his hamstring” go. Showed some nice touches and looked to get the side on the front foot.
Nick Davie
Apologised unreservedly for his performance of the previous evening. That still wasn’t enough for him to escape the punishment of being made to play the final 10 minutes however where he did well in fairness.
Jon Ballantyne
Unused
GOALS
18′ Walsh, assist A Brown
25′ S Brown, assist Britton
34′ Walsh, assist Lewis
78′ Walsh, assist S Brown
MAN OF THE MATCH
Dan Turner was superb again, Jordan Walsh claimed another hat-trick but it goes to Chris Britton who was something of a revelation playing in an unfamiliar midfield role.