Ryan John had an interesting morning as Hassocks Fatboys beat Pevensey & Westam 6-3

Fatboys book another big semi despite the best efforts of Ryan John

Hassocks Fatboys 6-3 Pevensey & Westam Juniors

 

You wait five years to get a big semi, and then two come along in the space of a month. Such is life.

Hassocks Fatboys booked their place in the final four of the Roy Terrington Trophy with a 6-3 win over Pevensey & Westam. With a big semi next week in the Sussex Sunday Trophy against Physics Athletico, it means that the first team will play more semis in the next month than they have in their entire history up until now.

With Mid Sussex having experienced Amazonian levels of rainfall in the week leading up to the game, the Fatboys had taken the decision to move the game to the 3G pitch at Downlands. This was something of a risk. Last time the Fatboys had taken to the pristine surface, they’d been hammered 8-1 by Castle Sports and seen captain Andy Brown sent off for attempted murder.

Pevensey also happened to be extremely capable on the ball. We’d seen that on the opening day of the season when the Fatboys were given a real run for their money before squeaking out a 5-3 victory at Clayton Rec. Facing such opponents on a pitch which would play into their hands could have gone badly wrong.



That it was a comfortable win in the end says much about the performances of 13 of the men in green. That’s basically everyone except Ryan John, whose performance was so terrible that it is hard to put into words.

After the game, we tried to come up with a list of some of the worst individual performances in Fatboys history. Martyn Buxton’s 20 minutes in goal in which he conceded twice including from a goal kick that bounced over his head against The Blades in 2014 cropped uo.

Andy Brown having to play out on the right wing against AFC 2015 two seasons ago because he was still so drunk from the night before that he was seeing four opponents. Ali Jenkins subbing himself off after 15 minutes against FC Twente Nil with the famous line, “Scott, get me out of here.”

Somehow though, John’s eclipsed any of those. He began in some style as straight from kick off, he played an under hit back pass that gifted Pevensey a one-on-one with danger only averted thanks to a brilliant covering tackle by Dan Turner. Midway through the first half, John repeated the trick and this time he had a brilliant one-on-one save from Scott McCarthy to thank for bailing him out of trouble.

There were missed headers and passes put out of play with the final straw arriving early in the second half. John had time and space to deal with a loose pass but he only succeeded in producing an astonishing air kick which gifted Pevensey another one-on-one.

This one was dealt with by Rhyan Thwaites, not that John was watching by this point. After the ball had flown between his legs, he’d simply stood still with his hands on his hips before walking off the pitch, launching his shin pads over the fence on the way as he subbed himself off for 46-year-old John Humphrey after what can only be described as an interesting morning’s work.

One man who was particularly pleased with John performing like a clown was Jack Lewis, who on any other day would’ve been comfortably the Fatboys worst player. Lewis’ first tackle of the morning was a foul after two minutes. His second tackle of the morning was a foul after five minutes. His third tackle of the morning was a foul after 10 minutes, after which he was finally booked.

His fourth tackle of the morning was a foul after 17 minutes. His fifth tackle of the morning was a foul after 23 minutes. His sixth tackle of the morning was a foul after two minutes. His seventh tackle of the morning was a foul after 27 minutes.

On and on this went until we reached tackle number 18 which was also foul number 18 after around an hour of the game, at which point Lewis had to be hauled before he was dismissed with Rob Lloyd taking his place. Lewis tried to protest his innocence afterwards, saying not all his tackles were fouls but that received short shrift from the Fatboys resident qualified referee Chris Britton, who told Lewis he’d have sent him off after 10 minutes. Who needs enemies with friends like Sea Bream?

Another man who was particularly pleased with John and Lewis performing like clowns was Ronnie Devonish. He’d gifted Pevensey their first half equaliser when losing possession and spent most of the opening 45 minutes giving the ball to blue shirts.

Devonish said at half time rather honestly, “The only reason nobody has noticed how shit I’ve been is because Ryan is even worse.” Devonish did at least improve in the second half, including delivering a pinpoint free kick onto the head of Stuart Brown for the Fatboys fourth, a brilliantly well worked goal.

All of the Fatboys goals were extremely well worked actually. Jamie Wilkes-Spies got the party started after only six minutes when finishing clinically after Andy Brown played the final pass of a neat passing move.

Wilkes-Spies was outstanding throughout, clearly inspired by the presence of his father-in-law Steve Spies in the crowd. With Mid Sussex footballing legend Spies said to be in advanced talks about signing for the Fatboys, the tantalising dream of the Spies father-and-son duo teaming up in a green shirt may be just around the corner.

The lead was short lived, Devonish gifting the ball to the opposition and one quick switch later and the Pevensey winger was hitting a stonking volley past McCarty and into the far corner of the goal. That was Wilkes-Spies’ cue to come to the fore again, brilliantly springing the offside trap to square to Jordan Walsh who had the simple task of tapping home. That goal equalled Stuart’s Fatboys tally for most goals in a single season of 28 from 2013-14.

Turner then had a trademark volley blocked by the arse of Andy Brown and both Andy and Walsh were denied in a fantastic goal mouth scramble that seemed to go on for five minutes.

There were worrying scenes 10 minutes before the break when Walsh had to be carried off after badly injuring his knee, delaying him in his quest to notch a record breaking 29th for the campaign. Dave Linehan took his place, but not before the Pevensey goalkeeper had very helpfully told Walsh to hurry up and get off the pitch despite the clear seriousness of his injury.

In an ironic twist that Alanis Morissette could write a song about, said goalkeeper then underwent the same fate right on the stroke of half time when he twisted his knee when attempting a quick throw. That left Pevensey to play the entire second half with an outfield player in goal.

The Fatboys were keen to take advantage of that over the remaining 45 minutes but despite their best efforts, it was actually Pevensey who got themselves back in the game with an early equaliser. There were no real complaints about the decision to award the visitors a penalty as somebody – probably Lewis given the morning he was having – tripped the dangerous central midfielder in the area and he duly dusted himself down to convincingly bury the spot kick in the bottom corner. McCarthy did go the right way, clearly buoyed by the penalty saving tips he’d received from 22-year-old Nick Jones in the warm up, but he couldn’t get close to it.

Pevensey had the substantial wind to their advantage at that point and were on top but some brilliant defending from Turner, 46-year-old Humphrey, Thwaites and Britton as well as some commanding goalkeeping from McCarthy helped the Fatboys weather the storm.



Two quickfire goals from set piece situations helped the Fatboys to re-establish control of the tie. The first came when something was actually made of a Turner long throw, Britton heading against the bar with Andy Brown scrambling the loose ball home.

Devonish’s magical delivery followed after a foul on Wilkes-Spies with Stuart Brown rising to head home, although there was more than a hint of offside about it with Spies Senior deriving great joy from telling Brown he was miles off. There was no such controversy about Stuart’s second however which made it 5-2 with around 15 minutes remaining. A sweeping passing move went through Devonish, Wilkes-Spies and Andy Brown who fed brother Stuart to finish.

Thwaites hit the post on a raid from right back and Linehan went close with a distance effort once he’d moved into midfield. That gave Britton a rare opportunity to play as part of the front three, leaving him to look the happiest he has done since appearing on national television sat next to Pamela Anderson while dressed as an arrow.

Pevensey pulled another back with a carbon copy of their first late on, but any hopes of a comeback were extinguished when the Brown brothers again linked up with Stuart completing a 15 minute hat-trick to make it 6-3.
 

FATBOYS 4-3-3

Scott McCarthy
Stunning first half save from the one-on-one caused by one of John’s many moments of madness. Without that, it’s 2-2 and a very different game.
Rhyan Thwaites
Only his second start of the season but he was straight back into the swing of things with a number of trademark runs forward. Even managed to hit the post.
Ryan John
There are no words.
Dan Turner
Another impressive performance, particularly given the fact that was effectively doing the work of two men until Humphrey’s introduction early in the second half.
Chris Britton
Really impressive at left back and had a thoroughly splendid time when pushed up front in the second half, registering his second assist in as many games.
Jack Lewis
Set the tone for his morning with a foul after 30 seconds. How he wasn’t sent off will probably have to be filed up there with the Princes in the Tower and what happened to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 in history’s greatest mysteries.
Ronnie Devonish
Had a terrible first half by his own admission. Much improved in the second, including a brilliant free kick delivery to register his first assist for the club.
Andy Brown
Three assists and one goal in another all action performance. Showings like this remind everyone what the Fatboys were missing in the three games he was suspended for.
Jamie Wilkes
Returned from injury with a brilliant man-of-the-match showing. His watching father-in-law could not fail to be impressed with a goal and an assist.
Jordan Walsh
Equalled Stuart Brown’s record for most goals in a single season with 28 but couldn’t beat it outright after his morning was ended after around half an hour with a nasty looking knee injury.
Stuart Brown
Moved into the centre forwards role following Walsh’s withdrawal and bagged himself three goals. You probably haven’t heard as he doesn’t like to mention it much, but every time he has played through the middle this season he’s got a hat-trick.
 

SUBS

Dave Linehan
Looked a threat from the moment he entered proceedings in place of Walsh. Got through a lot of helpful defensive work in the second half once Lewis eventually had to be subbed off.
John Humphrey
Thrown in at the deep end with no time to warm up once John had decided he’d had enough. That was a concern given his 46-year-old muscles often need at least three hours of stretching to prepare themselves, but he coped admirably.
Rob Lloyd
Replaced Lewis late on, dropping in at left back and bring his typical sense of calmness to a back line that had been ravaged with plenty of confusion during the preceding hour.
Nick Jones
Unused.
 

GOALS

6′ Wilkes, assist A Brown
22′ Walsh, assist Wilkes
57′ A Brown, assist Britton
65′ S Brown, assist Devonish
72′ S Brown, assist A Brown
80′ S Brown, assist A Brown
 

BOOKINGS

Lewis, an hour in which he managed to make not one legal tackle.

MAN OF THE MATCH

Couldn’t be anyone else but Jamie Wilkes. Even the referee said afterwards “that boy is too good to play for you”.