Hassocks Fatboys 11-0 Bison Beer

The Hassocks Fatboys history books were re-written at Clayton Rec as the first team racked up a club-record 11-0 win against Bison Beer.

It was an extraordinary morning of football. Andy Brown scored five times and claimed four assists, brother Stuart got a hat-trick, Dave Linehan a first brace for the Fatboys and Nick Davie a (genuine) goal of the season contender.

You’d have got long odds on all that happening at 10am. The Fatboys were without top scorer Jordan Walsh for starters, who was missing because he was taking a bike test just a decade after the reaching 17, the age when most people decide having a moped which sounds like a lawnmower is a really cool thing to do.

Jack Lewis was ruled out with another re-occurrence of his back trouble, although he didn’t seem to be in too much pain when he strolled onto the pitch from the touchline to get involved in a second half fight. Even when he is stood on the sidelines wearing some very counterfeit sunglasses, the midfielder still manages to find himself in trouble. Ryan John was away, probably lying in ditch somewhere and Jamie Wilkes was saying goodbye to the Spies family before he departs on his travels.

The absentees weren’t the only concern either. Last time the Fatboys had faced Bison, it was the brewers of some of Brighton’s finest beers that came out on top with a 3-2 win. Although the Fatboys had been below par that day and missed more chances than Stuart Brown had BBQs during his time in Australia, based on that showing Bison were opponents that could have caused the men in green more than few difficulties.

There was only one instruction before kick off for the Fatboys before kick off and that was to be much more clinical than in that last meeting between the two. And clinical they were. It took just two minutes for Andy to open both the Fatboys and his personal account for the morning, collecting a pass from Stuart and beating the goalkeeper with a curling effort from outside of the box.

On 10 minutes, Andy made it 2-0 when beating the goalkeeper after being played in by Linehan before Bison earned a succession of corners, one of which was punched clear by Scott McCarthy with an opposition player lurking at the far post. That was McCarthy’s only real action of the entire 90 minutes and with his defence equally underemployed, the back four began to push high up the field which led to the next three goals.

The watching Lewis must have been extremely concerned about getting his place in the side park as his replacement Justin Parker gave a virtuoso performance on his relegation from the reserves. Parker’s best moment came when he played a brilliantly weighted ball through a gap tighter than his own pocket to pick out Chris Britton, who had pretty much abandoned playing as a left back to take up a position on the wing. From there, Britton beat the Bison full back for both skill and pace and crossed to Stuart who applied the finish for the Fatboys third.

The fourth saw Andy complete his hat-trick but it was completely overshadowed by another ridiculous moment to add to the copybook of 46-year-old John Humphrey. Humphrey had pushed forward from centre back into midfield, from where he hit a 30 yard effort goal wards which the Bison keeper tipped onto the bar, with Brown nodding home the rebound.

What followed was as incredible as it as bizarre. Humphrey set off on a run to the side of the pitch, shouting “OI, OI, OI, OI, OI, OI, OI, OI, OI, COME ONNNNNNNNNNNN” before going up to Dan Turner’s mother – a woman he’d never met before and who was in fact watching her first ever Fatboys game – and hugging her.

Never in the history of football has a man celebrated having a shot saved before in such exuberant fashion. 46-year-old Humphrey tried to claim afterwards he thought he’d scored rather than Andy, but nobody was buying that for a second. Thankfully, Turner confirmed after the game that Mrs Turner was a little shaken but largely OK after the incident, although it remains to be seen if she’ll be back to spectate again.

Goal five then arrived with the final kick of the half as Britton claimed his second assist to give Andy his fourth of the day. Unfortunately, Britton didn’t celebrate setting up a goal like a man who’d just won the Euro Millions.

Traditionally, when in such a commanding position at half time, the Fatboys tend to tail off alarmingly and end up adding at best just a couple of goals to their total or at worse, nearly blowing it completely. We saw that in the Roy Terrington Trophy earlier in the season when the green army led Queens Park 6-1 with 20 minutes to play and ended up squealing home 6-5 come the final whistle.

With the three way race for the Division One title currently so tight that there is a real chance it could come down to goal difference, the Fatboys needed to ensure that wasn’t the case on this occasion and that they kept the pressure up.

To that end, they decided to play the second half with 11 men rather than the 10 plus Dave Keane of the first half. Keane had turned up at ten minutes past 10 nursing a coffee having only left the Rendezvous five hours ago. He informed his teammates at the break that he wasn’t carrying on, saying “I’m coming off and I’m going home.” Attempts to persuade him that things might get better in the second half fell on deaf ears, Keane responding with “I fell over nothing with nobody around me and in 30 yards of space”. Which is true, he had.

Davie took Keane’s place with Britton moving forward to the left wing – where he’d pretty much been playing anyway – and Linehan switched to the right. The changes paid instant dividends as Linehan did more in the opening 90 seconds of the second half than Keane had in the preceding 45 minutes by latching onto an Andy through ball and scoring the Fatboys sixth.

Number seven was brilliantly worked, Ronnie Devonish releasing Britton who showed excellent technique to hit a low first time cross while running at full speed which Stuart just had to guide home from a matter of yards. Linehan made it eight on the hour mark with a cross-come-shot and suddenly the club’s record victory of 9-1 achieved against Spartak Signalman in 2014 was in sight.

46-year-old Humphrey’s work was done as he made way for Stuart Robinson with Mrs Turner looking noticeably sheepish on the sidelines as the veteran defender headed for the bench. There would be plenty more to celebrate but thankfully, 46-year-old Humphrey would do so less wildly than like a man who’s just turned up to a blind date to be greeted by Scarlet Johansson.

Robinson’s introduction brought a defender who was quite happy not to push forward into proceedings, with Turner noting that he now had a defensive partner who was sweeping behind the sweeper, a novel tactic when 8-0 ahead. It also allowed Rob Lloyd to get more involved in an attacking sense, the Brexit negotiator having showed the sort of self sacrifice sadly lacking among in the political parties he serves by remaining as last man while his fellow defenders had gone marauding forward.

Stuart Brown added number nine to round off his hat-trick and a Turner run and pass which saw the young defender go past three men to play in Brown gave the Fatboys double figures for the first ever time, justifying the captain’s decision to tell Hayley that he would rather play football than run the Brighton Half Marathon with her. At the time of writing, we’re yet to hear whether he had been castrated as a result.

The focus for the last 15 minutes switched to Operation Get Britton a Goal, which wasn’t a great success overall. Devonish, both Brown’s, Davie, Parker and Linehan all found Britton out on the left but he managed to hit the goalkeeper, the post, the side netting, the hedge behind the goal, a passing rail replacement bus and a house 2.6 miles away in Albourne. Everything but the back of the net.

Davie had no such trouble when he rounded off the scoring with a spectacular strike with eight minutes remaining. Andy had fed him in plenty of space at left back but even so, nobody could’ve predicted what would happen next as he hit a shot from a full 25 yards with the outside of his right boot with flew straight in via the stanchion.

It was an excellent way to round off an excellent, record breaking performance.
 

FATBOYS 4-3-3

Scott McCarthy
Aside from dealing with one first half corner and taking a few goal kicks, he had very little to do in picking up back-to-back clean sheets.
Rob Lloyd
Like all good economists, he prioritised having a zero on the balance sheet and stuck doggedly to his defensive duties, allowing the rest of the back four to join the attack.
John Humphrey
Could’ve played like Bobby Moore reincarnated and it still would’ve been overshadowed by him celebrating an assist as if he’d won a Grammy. Genuinely one of the funniest things you’ll ever see on a football pitch.
Dan Turner
Revelled in the opportunity to saunter forward from centre back, showing off his ability with the ball at his feet when assisting Brown for the 10th in particular. Looked extremely pleased to play alongside Parker for the first time as it meant he didn’t have to take every long throw.
Chris Britton
Couldn’t quite get the goal which would’ve capped an impressive 90 minutes. Three assists can’t be sniffed at however, although it was noted that the majority of those came from left back rather than when he was moved up front.
Ronnie Devonish
The way the game went meant he was freed of his normal defensive duties somewhat. Took full advantage by displaying a fantastic range of passing.
Justin Parker
Reminded everyone of his eye for spotting a pass with a couple of perfect balls. His performance was such that the watching Lewis expressed concern afterwards about whether he would get his place in the side back. Unfortunately, anymore first team appearances for Parker will now rule him out of the Reserves’ Invitational Cup run, so we’re stuck with Jack for the foreseeable future.
Andy Brown
The statistics speak for themselves – five goals, four assists and the undoubted man of the match. That probably made feeling the wrath of Hayley for bailing on the Brighton Half Marathon worthwhile.
Dave Keane
Being a striker who doesn’t manage to register a goal or an assist when his side win 11-0 is quite some achievement.
Stuart Brown
His hat-trick meant we could all be treated (again) to the tale about how good his record is when playing through the middle. In fairness, they were three very well taken goals, especially given he was playing with a knock.
Dave Linehan
Played the first half on the left of the front three but did most of his damage when moved to the right in the second half, scoring his first brace in Fatboys colours including one cheeky cross-shot.
 

SUBS

Nick Davie
Keane’s alcohol levels gave the left back an extended run out of 45 minutes which he took full advantage of, including scoring a goal which he’ll be talking about for years to come.
Stuart Robinson
Put in a couple of good tackles at the back as well as giving away a now trademark foul for the crime of being 12 feet tall. Relished being made to run 70 yards up the pitch and back again every time his team won a corner.
 

GOALS

03′ A Brown, assist S Brown
10′ A Brown, assist Linehan
22′ S Brown, assist Britton
33′ A Brown, assist Humphrey
44′ A Brown, assist Britton
47′ Linenhan, assist A Brown
55′ S Brown, assist Britton
60′ Linehan, assist A Brown
67′ S Brown, assist A Brown
73′ A Brown, assist Turner
82′ Davie, assist A Brown
 

MAN OF THE MATCH

Five goals and four assists – it couldn’t go to anyone but Andy Brown.