Kemp Town 1-2 Hassocks
This was very much a case of after the Lord Mayor’s show as Hassocks Fatboys made very hard work out of beating lowly Kemp Town as Storm Freya did her worst.
Seven days previously, the sun had shone and the Fatboys had put in a remarkable performance to record a club record 11-0 win against a Bison Beer side who sit just one place below them in the Division One table.
The contrast in just about everything couldn’t have been more stark a week on. The rain hammered down, the wind blew, Preston Park resembled the everglades to the point where you wouldn’t have been surprised to see an alligator lurking in one of the many swamp sized puddles that littered the pitch and the football was dire.
After much huffing and puffing, the Fatboys eventually claimed the three points via a 2-1 win. But by the full time whistle, the result didn’t really matter. News filtered through that leaders Physics Athletico had beaten Castle Sports 3-1, which means that the title will be heading to Seaford unless the improbable happens and Physics lose one of their last three game against strugglers Tally Ho who they face twice or AFC 2015 Reserves.
That seems about as likely as Nick Davie’s recent advances on Hayley’s sister being successful and so there is now just second place to play for in the league. The pivotal fixture in that battle will likely be the game with Castle, which rather helpfully takes place on Sunday 17th March after the Fatboys Annual Week in Cheltenham when many of the team will be nursing livers as damaged as their bank balances.
With Freya doing her worst, this was not a day when you wanted to be locked out of the changing rooms but that was the situation both sides found themselves in until Stuart Robinson managed to track down the code. “We never had this problem away at Wrexham,” Robinson said while chewing down a bacon sandwich 30 minutes before kick off, which presumably didn’t happen when he was playing Conference football for Grays Athletic either.
Robinson is seemingly enjoying his new-found life as a Sunday League player and he was given his first start in Fatboys colours here after Ryan John failed to show for the third time this season. John’s previous reasons for not turning up include being stuck on a rail replacement bus in Camden and waking up in Ardingly with no recollection of how he got there or the preceding 14 hours.
Seemingly, John’s well for creative excuses has run dry as this week’s was disappointingly candid. “Today was a genuine fuck up on my behalf forgetting to set the right alarm. I even had my kit by the door ready for the morning. Had all the intentions of playing just fucked it up so my apologies.” Apology accepted – once five punishment pints of London Pride have been completed in the Club.
Manager Scott McCarthy had more important things to worry about than John’s alarm clock – namely, how can you drop anyone from a side who won by double figures? The answer was you can’t and as a result, midfielder Jack Lewis and top scorer Jordan Walsh had to settle for spots on the bench for just the second time in their distinguished Fatboys careers on their returns from injury.
Both were hastily introduced at half time with the Fatboys trailing 1-0. It wasn’t actually a bad first half performance, especially given that the men in green were defending Freya’s substantial wind. The back four of Rhyan Thwaites, Robinson, Dan Turner and Rob Lloyd dealt well with the difficult conditions, especially Robinson who recovered impressively from having 22 full grown men collapse in laughter after he’d slipped over in comical fashion, arms flailing and everything like a cartoon character who’s trod on a banana skin.
46-year-old John Humphrey and Chris Britton patrolled tenaciously in front of the defence, Andy Brown seemingly wanted to break the washing machine at Fatboys HQ by caking his kit in 300 pounds worth of mud and Dave Keane, Stuart Brown and Dave Linehan in attack created enough opportunities.
It was just taking them that proved to be the difficult part. There must have been at least five chances squandered which could definitely fall into the open goal category, whilst the Kemp Town goalkeeper also foiled Stuart, Andy and Keane with decent saves.
This wastefulness in front of goal was in stark contrast to Kemp Town, who scored with what proved to be their only shot on target all morning. A corner from the left was swung over which was met by a big call of “JOHN IS UP.” He was up, but he’d also forgotten which way we were playing as the 46-year-old crashed a fantastic header against his own crossbar with a Kemp Town player reacting quickest to fire the loose ball home.
46-year-old Humphrey couldn’t believe what had just happened and his mood certainly wasn’t improved by Linehan saying “You aren’t going to celebrate that assist then John?” in reference to 46-year-old Humphrey celebrating setting up Andy last week as if he’d just scored the winner in the World Cup Final. If looks could kill then we’d all be dusting off our suits for Linehan’s funeral as 46-year-old Humphrey gave him a death stare accompanied by the chilling line of, “I don’t find that funny Dave man.”
Linehan was one of the sacrificial lambs alongside Robinson as the Fatboys threw on Walsh and Lewis for the second half and the changes paid dividends within 12 minutes as both were involved in the equaliser. Lewis started the move, winning possession and finding Lloyd at left back. Britain’s Chief Brexit negotiator hit a perfect ball up the line to Stuart who crossed to Walsh.
The striker still had plenty to do but do it he did, beating the Kemp Town keeper from the tightest of angles with a fantastic finish. With that goal, his 29th of the campaign, Walsh broke the Fatboys record for most goals scored in a single season set by Stuart Brown in 2013-14.
More chances came and went for the Fatboys while McCarthy had to be alert to save at the feet of a Kemp Town striker in what proved to be his only contribution of the game, aside from diving needlessly through the biggest puddle he could find in the first half even though the whistle had blown for offside.
The men in green were made to wait for their winner, which eventually arrived 10 minutes from time. It seemed only right that the Fatboys two best players combined to deliver it, Keane sending over a deep corner to the back post where Turner arrived to head home.
Kemp Town swarmed forward in the closing stages but couldn’t find a way past the Fatboys, who held on for the victory. It might not have been pretty and it might not even matter unless Physics suffer a catastrophic cock up, but the Fatboys did at least get the job. Eventually.
FATBOYS 4-3-3
Scott McCarthy
Quick off his line in the second half with his only other save coming when play had been halted for offside anyway.
Rhyan Thwaites
Put in some crucial challenges but the main crux of his work was going forward. He constantly looked to help out Keane and played an important role on getting his side on the front foot.
Stuart Robinson
His comedy slip was a highlight but he also gave a competent showing in a difficult first half kicking into the wind. For a bloke who’s never started a game at centre back before, he was positionally sound.
Dan Turner
Got his normal “If we don’t win this game I’m quitting” shout in earlier than normal this week. He then popped up with the winner himself, rounding off yet another performance in which he was the Fatboys best player
Rob Lloyd
His pass forward to Brown for the equaliser was divine. Defended sensibly and dealt well with the way in which Kemp Town’s most dangerous player kept popping up on his side in the second half.
John Humphrey
Had a half in midfield and then a half at the back. Won plenty of the air when his side were defending the wind, although his best header of the day was the one against his own cross bar to gift Kemp Town a goal. It only could’ve been better if it had flown straight in.
Chris Britton
Brought along his fiance who was lovely and to most people’s surprise, a girl. Did a lot of unseen work in midfield to stifle the hosts which meant he wasn’t able to get forward as much as he’d have liked, although after last week’s cows arse and banjo showing this was perhaps no bad thing.
Andy Brown
While most sane people looked at the conditions and thought “this is disgusting”, the Fatboys captain looked nearly as happy as he does when confronted with a Roulette table. Covered every inch of mud, with his work rate setting the standard for a hard fought win.
Dave Keane
Much better than last week although it would have been hard to be worse. He constantly had the beating of his full back and his set piece delivery in difficult circumstances was excellent and that’s what ultimately won the game.
Stuart Brown
Had been in Molly Malones up until five hours before kick off and it showed. Set up Walsh’s equaliser with a clever pass but the main positive from his performance is that we’ll no longer have to hear the stat about him scoring a hat-trick every time he has started through the middle.
Dave Linehan
Sacrificed at the break in order to get Walsh on, he’d had a decent opening 45 minutes to work opportunities for his team mates. His winding up of Humphrey after the Kemp Town goal was particularly enjoyable.
SUBS
Jack Lewis
Added some bite into the midfield in the second half. Given that the state of the pitch would have given him the perfect cover to spend 90% of his time making slide tackles, he spent a surprising amount of time on his feet.
Jordan Walsh
It was a risky decision for the Fatboys to leave their top scorer on the bench and he showed exactly what his side has been missing in their goalless first half with a clinical finish for his record breaking 29th goal of the season just over 10 minutes after coming on.
Nick Davie
Unused
GOALS
57’ Walsh, assist S Brown
79’ Turner, assist Keane
MAN OF THE MATCH
Of those who played the full 90 minutes, it’s a toss up between Dave Keane and Dan Turner but it goes to the latter for his winning goal and another commanding performance at the heart of the defence.