Hassocks Fatboys 1-0 AFC Romans
Double headers, what a rubbish invention. Whoever came up with the idea of breaking a game of football into four quarters with three points on offer for the first two and another three for the final two must have been some kind of sadist.
As an AFC Romans opponent put it so sufficiently midway through the third quarter, “We’ve been playing in an Invitational Cup nobody wants to be in when we could’ve played you lot twice in the league rather than in a ****ing double header.”
At least said opponent was part of a what appeared to be a 34 man Romans squad and could have a rest every now and again. Big numbers are exactly what you need for two hours of football, especially when you are required to exert extra effort to win three points in an hour rather than 90 minutes. And do that twice.
Typically, this meant that Hassocks Fatboys turned up at blustery Buckingham Park with only 11 first team players available. Things were so desperate that a call had had even gone out to Big Bally begging for him to make his annual appearance, who said yes presuming he didn’t get injured on Saturday. And then he got injured on Saturday.
With the Reserves playing in an Invitational Cup Semi Final, we were loathe to take anyone from Reece Wickwar’s squad. Kevin Ticehurst and Mike Meckiff both helpfully agreed to come from the seconds bench and sit on the firsts bench instead. Ticehurst in particular took this with good grace and didn’t send out any messages asking why nobody likes him.
It became apparent late on Saturday night that so short were the Fatboys that Scott McCarthy would actually have to play up front with Big Bad Stu Robinson in goal. This meant McCarthy putting his much-fabled goal-a-game ratio as a striker on the line in what was technically two games of football.
More problematic than the sight of McCarthy leading the line was the sight of Robinson trying to fit into the Fatboys goalkeeper kit. The shirt was obviously designed with the 5’7, 12-and-a-half stone frame of McCarthy in mind. Robinson is slightly bigger and as a result, once he’d managed to squeeze into the kit, it looked like he was wearing a Keymer Sports and Social Club branded bra. He never had this problem at Mansfield away.
Rather sensibly, Robinson decided to forgo looking like a better version of Katie Price in her late 90s heyday, instead wearing his own hoody in goal. This was a good choice as he was to have an extremely busy first quarter, thanks to the fact a genuine hurricane was battering Shoreham-by-Sea.
About a month ago, this very website described the Fatboys game against AFC Falmer at Patcham Place as the worst game of football ever played because of the wind. We spoke too soon. This particular gale, part of Storm Gareth, was 10 times more horrific.
As a result, the ball spent 90% of the first quarter in the Fatboys half. Robinson was forced into producing three first class saves; tipping a wind-assisted corner around the post, getting low down at full stretch to push a direct free kick away and staying big to block an extremely dangerous one-on-one opportunity.
The back four also played their part, although it was more like a back seven with how deep the midfield three were forced. 46-year-old John Humphrey and Dan Turner did superbly in the air at centre back while Rob Lloyd and Jon Ballantyne were disciplined in the full back positions. Ballantyne in particular deserves credit given that he was playing through the pain barrier after recently being diagnosed with sciatica, a condition which should afflict women in their 50s as opposed to young men in their 20s.
Chris Britton and Ronnie Devonish were excellent just in front of the defence with Andy Brown also having to forgo his normal attacking role to help out, all of which contributed to the Fatboys making it through the first quarter without conceding.
That provided the platform for the men in green to go out and win the second quarter and the first three points on offer, and they set about that task from the off. A front three of Stuart Brown, McCarthy and Jordan Walsh was surprisingly effective with McCarthy producing an array of flicks and the other two working hard either side to make something happen.
Playing with the hurricane was harder than it looked however and many shots were simply carried by the wind over the bar and into neighbouring Portslade. The closest the Fatboys came to scoring in the opening 25 minutes had actually been when Turner shot straight from kick off and the keeper was forced into pushing the ball over the bar at full stretch for a corner.
It looked then like the first game of the day was due to end as a stalemate. Frustration was boiling over with Walsh receiving a booking, rather excellently from the same referee who had sent him off less than 12 hours earlier during Horsted Keynes’ game on Saturday.
Whilst many of us were praying for a second yellow to complete a unique Walsh red card double for the ref, it turned out it was a good thing that the Fatboys top scorer remained on the pitch as it was he who scored what proved to be the winner in the final five minutes.
A long ball forward dropped out the sky and Stuart produced what can only be described as the best first touch in human history, bringing it down first time as if his boot was made from the finest silk.
Naturally, his finish couldn’t match that touch as the goalkeeper was on hand to make a save but luckily for the Fatboys, the loose ball rolled straight to Walsh who tapped home.
That ensured the three points were in the Fatboys bag. There were of course still quarters three and four to play, the story of which will be revealed in part two…
FATBOYS 4-3-3
Stuart Robinson
A brilliant performance once he’d found something to wear which didn’t look like sexy lingerie. His height and distribution were vital when defending the wind and it was a hugely impressive clean sheet in his first game in goal for the club.
Rob Lloyd
Not an easy day to be a full back. Defended well in the first half and pushed forward to join the attack in the second. He hit some lovely balls up the line which would have been great were it not for the fact that is was McCarthy trying to chase them.
Dan Turner
Anybody else shooting from kick off would be ridiculous. The fact that when he did it, we all expected him to score and he nearly did is even more ridiculous. That moment aside, he defended well in the first half.
John Humphrey
Had to use all the experience he’s picked up in his 46 years on Earth to help the Fatboys cope with the wind. Given how much the ball was in the air, it seems likely he set a new record for the number of times the phrase “JOHN IS UP” was used.
Jon Ballantyne
With numbers so short, he but his body on the line by playing through the pain barrier caused by his sciatica. That situation wasn’t helped when he was the victim of a firm but fair tackle which resulted in him rolling around for 20 minutes screaming, much to everyone’s delight.
Chris Britton
Covered every blade of grass in a hard working performance. Disciplined when defending the wind, he almost became a fifth striker with it, which helped to pile on the pressure.
Ronnie Devonish
The perfect holding midfield show. He played practically as another defender in the first half and then sat in during the second which allowed Brown and Britton to get forward.
Andy Brown
Didn’t seem overly affected by the fact “a few quiet pints” had resulted in him not actually returning to his own home on Saturday night. Had a couple of long distance efforts which were taken by the wind but on another day may have caused issues.
Jordan Walsh
Nearly managed to get sent off twice by the same referee in one weekend. Made up for the disappointment of not doing so with a poachers finish to win the game, becoming the first Fatboy to break the 30 goals in a season barrier in the process
Scott McCarthy
The fact that him playing up front wasn’t a total car crash is something of a miracle. Produced some nice flick ons and through balls to Walsh in particular.
Stuart Brown
Cut a frustrating figure as he struggled to see much of the ball due to the wind. Saved his moment of brilliance for when it mattered though to tee up Walsh with an outrageous first touch.
SUBS
Kevin Ticehurst
Came on in midfield for the final 10 minutes. He did well in there, keeping things simple and listening to the instructions issued by those around him.
Mike Meckiff
Unused.
GOALS
53′ Walsh, assist Brown
BOOKINGS
Walsh, trying to be sent off by the same referee twice in a weekend
MAN OF THE MATCH
It was a real team effort but Big Bad Stuart Robinson made some vital interventions in the first half to earn a clean sheet on his first appearance in goal