AFC Romans 0-3 Hassocks Fatboys
Fans of Mary Poppins had to wait 52 years between the original movie coming out and the sequel. Fans of Hassocks Fatboys v AFC Romans had to wait slightly less for the second installment in this franchise with kick off at Buckingham Park coming just 10 minutes after the first game had been completed.
Just in case you need a recap of what happened in quarters one and two of this double header, it was essentially bloody wind and bloody boring. Jordan Walsh scored the only goal of the game with around five minutes remaining to give the Fatboys the three points. Three more were up for grabs in quarters three and four.
The Fatboys made one enforced change from the first game as Mike Meckiff replaced the injured Jon Ballantyne at left back. Ballantyne was unable to carry on seeing as he was now lying on the floor, hunched up like a low budget, Scottish version of Richard III as a result of his sciatica.
Salvation was on hand though in the presence of Dan Turner’s mother on the sidelines, attending her second Fatboys game. Sciatica is a condition that normally affects middle aged women and being a middle aged woman, Mrs Turner herself has suffered from it.
She was able to give Ballantyne some exercises to do to ease the pain, cementing her place as the Fatboys number one fan. Hugged by 46-year-old John Humphrey as he celebrated a shot hitting the bar one week and fixing Ballantyne’s back the next. What a lady.
With Ballantyne off the pitch receiving life changing treatment, his team mates set about trying to make it six points out of six. Having had to defend the wind for the first quarter of the first half, the Fatboys began the third quarter at the start of the second half (keep up at the back) by attacking it.
Knowing how crucial making the most of the hurricane would be, the men in green made a flying start and took the lead inside of two minutes. Chris Britton’s heavy first touch for once proved of benefit as he was fouled while trying to retrieve the situation and despite the fact the subsequent free kick was from a good 40 yards out, the Fatboys sensed a real opportunity.
Turner duly stepped up and smashed the ball from virtually the halfway line and into the top corner via the slightest of deflections off a Romans head. That’s the teenage centre backs third goal from 25 yards or more of the campaign. At this rate, we’ll have to set up a Turner’s Goal of the Season award and an Everyone Else’s Goal of the Season award come Presentation Evening at the end of the campaign.
It wasn’t long before 1-0 became 2-0 and again Turner was the man on the score sheet, although this time he was 35 yards closer to the goal. Stuart Brown swung over a corner which was expertly knocked down by Scott McCarthy at the back post with Turner smashing home the loose ball.
While 10 men in green celebrated the fact they’d established a 2-0 lead inside of five minutes, Stuart had other things on his mind, instead shouting “Don’t you dare try and claim that as your assist Scotty”, clearly forgetting the mantra of “those who write the news, write history”.
Stuart’s mood wasn’t improved throughout the remaining first quarter as the Fatboys missed a succession of chances to move further ahead. Andy Brown decided to try and go alone when a simple pass would’ve released his brother, Jordan Walsh had two efforts well saved, McCarthy had a shot blocked on the line and Ronnie Devonish went close with a teasing left footed free kick which dropped just the wrong side of the post.
The Fatboys cause wasn’t helped by the fact that the Romans had arguably the best linesman we’ve come across, possibly ever. Every time Walsh or Brown broke through and somebody shouted offside, up went the flag. After this happened for the fifth time in eight minutes with Walsh clearly having run past two defenders to get to the ball, the referee wandered over to have a word.
Rather than make excuses, the linesman showed the sort of brutal honesty that is sadly missing from the modern Sunday League game. “I don’t want to run the line and if I’m honest, I’ve been watching the rugby over there,” he said, which meant the ref asking Romans to replace him. In fairness to the linesman, the football had been absolutely dire once again so nobody could blame him for diverting his attention to the game of rugby on the adjacent pitch instead.
Despite the change on the line meaning they were no loner offside every time they ran through, the Fatboys weren’t able to add anything more to the scoreline in what remained of the third quarter and so they turned around with just a 2-0 lead to protect.
The fact that the Romans had had to defend the wind for an hour because of the way quarters two, three and the coin toss for the second half of the game had worked out left them dead on their feet by this point and that meant a much easier quarter four for the Fatboys than they’d experienced when playing into the hurricane in quarter one.
Stuart Robinson had to be alert to deal with a couple of routine saves but there was nothing like his heroics from the first half required. Turner and 46-year-old Humphrey were rock solid again, Meckiff had a highly encouraging debut and Rob Lloyd again did everything expected of him at right back.
Romans best chance actually came because of McCarthy who, for reasons unknown, now believed he possessed the ability to play a 40 yard cross field pass into the wind to Lloyd at right back. Needless to say, he didn’t have that ability and that put the hosts in for a one-on-one which they thankfully squandered. Stuart launched into a fantastic tirade about this which was only ended once Andy intervened by saying “Stuart, he’s a goalkeeper playing up front, he’s going to mess things up…no offence, Scott.”
Going forward, Andy Brown and Walsh both missed good chances and McCarthy saw a shot cleared off the line by a covering defender. This was good news for Britton, who had said before the game that he would retire on the spot if McCarthy joined Davie in scoring a goal for the first team before he had managed to this season.
With around 10 minutes of the fourth quarter the Fatboys put the game beyond doubt when Walsh added a third. With a linesman who was watching the game now as opposed to a different sport on a different pitch in a different direction, Romans had to resort to fouling Walsh in order to stop him rather than relying on a friendly offside flag.
One of those fouls took place in the box and Walsh duly dusted himself down and converted the penalty, once we’d had a five minute delay waiting for a respite in the wind so that the ball wouldn’t get blown off the spot.
McCarthy’s work was done at that point and, once he’d got away without so much as a booking for a nasty lunge due to his explanation of, “Sorry ref, I’m a goalkeeper and I don’t know what I’m doing up here”, Kevin Ticehurst came on for the closing stages.
Ticehurst again did well and had Andy released him a little earlier he might have even had a clear run to add a goal to his three first team appearances so far, a total which puts him close to medal territory in the unlikely event that the Fatboys manage to overhaul Physics Athletico in the race for the title.
Six points from this double header certainly helps in that quest, an impressive haul given the bare 11 first team players that the Fatboys started the day with. McCarthy up front. FFS.
FATBOYS 4-3-3
Stuart Robinson
Two games in goal, two clean sheets. Not as troubled as in the first two quarters but he still needed to be alert when faced with the wind in the fourth quarter.
Rob Lloyd
Another steady performance at right back. Made it to the byline on a couple of occasions as the Fatboys pushed forward in the third quarter.
Dan Turner
Set the tone for another excellent showing with his 40 yard free kick inside the opening five minutes. Two goals and a clean sheet, he won’t have many better mornings.
John Humphrey
Given the distraction of Mrs Turner on the sideline, he did well to keep his composure. Headed everything that came his way although attempts to dribble around a man in the corner flag were questionable.
Mike Meckiff
A highly polished performance on his first team debut at left back. He dealt with the wind particularly impressively and a special must go to the sunglasses he wore while running the line in the first game.
Chris Britton
A busy presence in midfield, he earned the free kick which Turner converted to pave the way to victory. That capped off a good weekend for our resident police officer, who also made the front page of The Argus with a photo of him arresting someone.
Ronnie Devonish
His in swinging left footed deliveries caused chaos and he was unlucky not to open his account for the club with one of them. Flew into tackles and his ability to regain possession was vital in the fourth quarter.
Andy Brown
His main role was to manage the game, being sensible with the ball and making the right choices. Celebrated a big six points by brushing his teeth in the changing room afterwards. Who brings an electronic toothbrush to football with them?
Jordan Walsh
Spent most of the fourth quarter receiving a right kicking and was responsible for two Romans players going into the referee’s book as a result. A great penalty given that there was every chance the wind would blow it back towards him before it reached the goal.
Scott McCarthy
The decision to play him up front was vindicated as he claimed an assist. Could have had a brace to go with it but we’d never have heard the end of it if he did so it’s just as well both efforts were cleared off the line.
Stuart Brown
His most telling contribution were a couple of magnificent rants. Some good set piece deliveries as well, which led to the Fatboys second goal.
SUBS
Kevin Ticehurst
Another substitute cameo to get the stats up. Tried a few more glamorous things than in the first game, some of which worked and some of which didn’t.
Jon Ballantyne
Unused
GOALS
03′ Turner, assist Britton
07′ Turner, assist McCarthy
53′ Walsh, assist Walsh
MAN OF THE MATCH
Jordan Walsh was a constant menace once he’d played his part in getting the linesman changed but you can look beyond a centre back who scores twice and helps his side to a clean sheet, so it’s another award for Dan Turner.