Worthing Predators 3-0 Hassocks Fatboys Reserves

A glorious Spring morning saw Hassocks Fatboys Reserves travel to Buckingham Park, Shoreham, for their final away game of the season against promotion-chasing Worthing Predators.

Reece Wickwar’s men were keen to keen to keep their impressive run of league form going in their quest to beat the drop, but were dealt a cruel blow with plenty of familiar faces unavailable. Justin Parker had announced his immediate retirement after 45 mins of the cup semi final defeat to Associates two weeks previously, Ali Jenkins decided he’d rather run around Shoreham Harbour than get the runaround just up the road, and Nick Davie and Ando Knott were dropped to the first team (yes, we’re still persisting with this in-joke after all these years to make sure Davie’s ego is kept well-massaged). This meant a return to defence for recent goal-getters Sam Harding and Desmond Balderdash, while Stevie Stockwell and Tom Pinnock partnered Chris Clayton in attack.

In truth, the pre-match ‘entertainment’ was more enjoyable than the 90 minutes that followed. Des’ quest to find a gentleman’s toilet proved to be more challenging than an episode of Crystal Maze (with Richard O’Brien, none of the modern-day nonsense). Despite Buckingham Park being something of a Mecca of Sussex junior football, it seemed that no Portakabin or even cafe was fit for Des to unleash the necessary download, and when Des consulted Google Maps for a local toilet and it tried to send him two miles away to McDonalds, Balderdash was forced to play the full 90 with the previous evening’s dinner still inside him.

Rather than focus on the football, let’s look at delivering some hair news. Substitute Kevin Ticehurst was able to offer a positive distraction to Balderdash’s foiled attempts at unloading, reassuring Des that his hair, “looks like it’s growing by the day”, much to the relief of hairdresser Stevie Stockwell. Des of course continues to wear his customary headband every Sunday, something which some of our more witty opponents have observed, imaginatively giving him nicknames such as ‘headband’ or even ‘David Luiz’ (who, it should be noted, does not wear a headband). Should any of our future opposition be reading this for some strange reason, we’d recommend Jeremy Beadle as the only suitable lookalike for Des (see below).

 

Onto the football then sadly and first we must state that the tone of this fixture was very much set by the incessant stream of ‘lad bible banter’ being chucked about by our opponents. We’re not going to bother writing much more about Worthing Predators given that one match report already this season has seen the Fatboys hauled in front of an FA enquiry, but what we will say is this: Good luck to Hartington in their upcoming Cup Final.

The first half was eventful at both ends. A midfield three of Luke Vick, player manager Wickwar and Mark Potter were made to work by a pacey Predators side who looked to switch possession at every opportunity, keeping the back five of 22-year-old Nick Jones, Sam Harding, Sam Wilson, Balderdash and Jules Clay on their toes as Fatboys rode wave after wave of pressure. Balderdash in particular made a number of impressive blocks but the Predators were largely limited to pot shots from the edge of the area which weren’t to trouble Jones.

Up front, Clayton, Stockwell and Pinnock were left the feed off mainly scraps but, despite limited possession, the Fatboys were creating chances. First, Balderdash was unlucky to head over the bar when well placed from a Wickwar delivery. An outstretched boot from Clayton then found the post. Finally, a Vick free kick on the edge of the box won by some fancy footwork by Potter clipped the wall before smashing the crossbar. At this point, you began to feel it wasn’t going to be Fatboys day.

At the other end, we should probably mention a quite spectacular passage of play which a match report can’t do justice to, somehow the ball cannoned off both Jones’ posts thanks to them being square instead of round, and surprisingly/disappointingly wasn’t turned in for a spectacular OG by one of the many defenders attempts at clearing the danger. The coveted Own Goal of the Season award still remains very much up for grabs in the reserve team.

The half time team talk was reasonably upbeat, carry on what we’d been doing and we had a chance of nicking one on the break. Pinnock was set to drop deeper into midfield to help out, and if all went to plan, we’d have three points 45 minutes later.

Of course, that didn’t happen. Within seconds of the restart, the recently introduced Predator number eight tore through the Fatboys midfield before unleashing an impressive finish from about 30 yards. Vick’s summary of this in the Club afterwards probably best describes it. “Well, the captain took the ball down from kick off, knocked it to the number eight who duly fucked me and Potter firmly in the arsehole, before ensuring Jones had another lob added to his impressive collection as he stood in no mans land and watched the ball sail over him again”. And so the Fatboys gameplan was in tatters.

A second goal shortly followed after tricky work down the Fatboys left, prompting Wickwar to ‘go for it’ by bringing on one veteran for another as Simon O’Brien replaced Clay. O’Brien immediately had the Predators wound up to the extent that they were screaming in his face for no apparent reason. Seemingly they are an angry bunch down in Worthing.

The next few minutes were probably the Fatboys best of the afternoon. O’Brien and Stockwell squandered a couple of chances each when well-placed and in the end that would prove costly. Ticehurst came on for Stockawell as Wickwar shifted to what was later described as a “rogue 3-5-2”, Vick slotting in at left centre back, Ticehurst adding some extra legs to a tiring midfield and Balderdash moving up front where he’s been successful in recent weeks. However, the tactical tinkering made little difference as a third Predators strike finished the game off.

If we’re completely honest, there is very little else to report. Clayton (AKA The Big Show, apparently) seemed to be flirting with half the Predators side who seemed to fancy him. One of the Predator subs on the sideline took a throw in which referee Jeremy Corbyn nearly missed. Potter fell over as expected. Pinnock was given the nickname “Library Boy” which frankly needs to be used more often. Some more terrible ‘banter’ was chucked about by the home side. Clayton had terrible wind in the dressing rooms. And that’s about it.

The Fatboys Reserves should be back at Clayton next week with four home games left to play, but as we go to press they are currently scheduled to have two fixtures at the same time, so who knows who we’ll end up playing. At least Wickwar’s side can take comfort that Clayton Rec has suitable toilet facilities…
 

Fatboys Reserves (4-3-3)
Nick JonesS
ome good saves, particularly in the first half. Lobbed again.
Sam Harding
Bombed forward where possible on his return to the defence.
Sam Wilson
Reliable as ever in the central defensive role.
Desmond Balderdash
Spent most of the game blocking shots from the edge of the area.
Jules Clay
A calm and relaxed performance from the ever-young fullback.
Reece Wickwar
An energetic and pacey performance from the Fatboys player-manager
Mark Potter
A solid first 90 mins since December capped off by falling over thin air.
Luke Vick
A gritty performance, linked up well with Jules on the left hand side in particular.
Tom Pinnock
Unlucky not to score, relieved pressure on the defence by retaining the ball well.
Chris Clayton
Caused problems for the Worthing defence who struggled to cope with his physique.
Stevie Stockwell
Showed good movement and on another day could have had a brace.
 

SUBSTITUTES

Kevin Ticehurst
Helped steady the ship when he came on.
Simon O’Brien
Nearly scored with his first touch, an lively cameo.