Unicorn United 2-1 Hassocks Fatboys AET
Sometimes, it just isn’t meant to be. For 120 minutes of the Sussex Sunday Challenge Trophy final, Hassocks Fatboys gave everything they had against Unicorn United before succumbing to a 2-1 defeat. There was quite literally nothing more the men in green could have done as the best side we’ve faced this season were crowned county champions.
They were also one of the nicest teams we’ve ever played. Gracious in victory, we ended up bumping into each other in Molly Malone’s at 2am on Monday morning where Guinness and far too many tequila flowed. That was largely thanks to Brockesy, who had earlier in the day been sick in the away end at Goodison Park before rushing back to Brighton and forking out £200 on shots. At least somebody had a good day.
The weekend had actually started pretty well for those in the Fatboys Gambling Syndicate. Each Saturday, 10 of us stick a fiver in for an accumulator and pick a result each. This rarely ever comes in, but on Saturday every team in the Championship scoring returned a cool £1700. We decided to pocket £100 each and stick the remaining £700 on Tiger Roll to win the Grand National, which then netted another £4200. £520 each for a days betting set things up nicely for our Sunday lunchtime meet in the Club.
Ah yes, a lunchtime meet. For reasons that nobody seems to have been able to explain, the Sussex FA had decided that the game should kick off at 6.30pm on a Sunday night. Nobody seemed particularly impressed by this, not least the referee who rather brilliantly said at one point: “What am I doing here at 8pm on a Sunday night when I’ve got a nice bottle of red on the side at home?” A good question, Mr Rendell.
Despite the ridiculous start time, there was an extremely healthy crowd packed in Culver Road for the big game with a huge number of Fatboys fans in attendance. The support was greatly appreciated by everybody, as you probably noticed when the FA were trying to get the trophy presentation underway but were unable to do so as 46-year-old John Humphrey was busy shouting “HEY, HEY, HEY, THANK YOU FANS, THANK YOU FANS” whilst waving like a 13-year-old girl who has just spotted One Direction in an airport departure lounge.
Those who made the journey to Lancing were treated to an exciting encounter that really could have gone either way. Having read Unicorn’s manager’s comments in the match preview about how his side had comfortably beaten Tally Ho and Kemp Town from our division, the feeling was that the opposition might well underestimate us. If that was the case and we could start quickly, we might be able to catch them by surprise and get ahead early on.
That proved to be the case as it was the Fatboys who dominated the first half and with a bit more luck, could have been two or three ahead going into half time rather than with just the one goal lead provided by Jack Lewis midway through the half. Unicorn’s only managed to create four real chances in the opening 45; one in the second minute which was well saved by Scott McCarthy low down to his right, one which was headed over the bar by Chris Britton, one which McCarthy thwarted with a brave one-one-one save in which he picked up an injury which forced him off at the interval and another which the Fatboys number one clawed away in the final action of the half.
At the other end, the Fatboys carved out numerous opportunities. Jordan Walsh hit the post after looping an effort from Rob Lloyd’s cross over the goalkeeper, Walsh and Stuart Brown linked up but Brown’s shot was blocked on the line, Walsh put a header over the bar, Dave Keane cut inside and tested the goalkeeper and Ronnie Devonish, Stuart and Lloyd all hit risers which went narrowly over the crossbar.
The only goal of the first half arrived on 28 minutes with Lewis choosing a rather good game in which to notch his first of the season. Keane’s cross was only half cleared to the edge of the box where Lewis came steaming in to hit a low half volley through a crowd of players and into the bottom corner. It was a hell of a strike and one which came as a real surprise to everyone given that last week he’d had an identical chance against Pevensey & Westam which resulted in one of the most stunning air kicks you will ever see.
That goal was the least that Lewis deserved for a brilliant first half performance in which he’d been in the thick of the action. He managed to get involved in a fight before he scored and then picked up a booking afterwards for kicking the ball away, a sixth caution of the season for a man who said before the first game of the campaign, “I’m definitely getting calmer as a player, I didn’t get booked once last season.”
By the time half time had rolled around, McCarthy’s arm had swelled up leaving it looking like a chunk of doner meat spinning on a kebab shop rotisserie. This curtailed his involvement and saw Big Bad Stuart Robinson come on in goal. With Unicorn now realising we can actually be a decent team and the element of surprise gone, we expected that they would come at us more after the break and that certainly proved to be the case as they dominated the second half, helped as well by a change in formation from three at the back to match the Fatboys 4-3-3 shape.
Dan Turner went into the referees book early in the second half after a bone crunching tackle in front of the stand and Robinson was soon called into action, keeping out a free header from a corner at the expense of another set piece. This wasn’t good news. The Fatboys had already noted at half time that Unicorns posed a real threat from such situations, partly because our marking had been sloppier than Nick Davie eating a kebab.
It was no surprise then that it was from this second corner of the half that Unicorns leveled things up on the hour mark. Nobody reacted quick enough to a short corner as an opposition player came charging forward from the back to collect the ball and deliver a cross which was volleyed home in similar style to Lewis’ opener for 1-1.
Lewis came off after that to maintain his excellent record of subbing himself off in the biggest games of the season, this time with an ankle problem. Dave Linehan replaced the Fatboys’ goalscorer and Lloyd followed Lewis onto the bench shortly after when the clock reached 8.30pm as he needed to go to bed ahead of a big Monday at work sorting out the complete mess that is Brexit. Ballantyne took his place.
Unicorn dominated the remainder of the half right up until the 80th minute with the Fatboys being grateful to some inspired shot stopping from Robinson to keep them in it. The former Grays Athletic goalkeeper saved a one-on-one, made an excellent reaction stop down to his left which was somehow given as a goal kick and then managed to claw a ball off the line from miles behind him in what was probably his best stop of the night.
Turner and Ryan John put in a number of crucial blocks at the back as well before the Fatboys belatedly became an attacking force again in the final 10 minutes of the half. In fact, we could have won it late on as Stuart curled an effort over and then delivered a cross which Walsh headed at the goalkeeper. Keane also had a sight of goal but his shot proved to be more dangerous to the insurance premiums of the houses behind the goal than the actual net.
With nothing to separate the two sides come the full time whistle, an extra 30 minutes was required. John was withdrawn at that point with chest pains with 46-year-old Humphrey entering the fray alongside Turner at the back. We’re pleased to report that John wasn’t having a heart attack, which means we can point out the ridiculousness of a 24-year-old coming off believing he was dying to be replaced by a 46-year-old who is in rude health. A wake up call for young Ryan’s lifestyle of cheap lager and KFC Big Daddy Meals, perhaps?
Despite a lot of fatigue after an hour-and-a-half of blood and thunder football, both sides continued to go for it in the additional time. Robinson made further good saves from a header and a free kick and Linehan wasn’t far away with a header.
It was in the 111th minute when Unicorn scored what proved to be the winner and disappointingly from a Fatboys point of view, it was from another set piece. This time, nobody in green could convincingly clear a corner and the loose ball was eventually lashed home from the edge of the box and into the bottom corner.
The Fatboys threw Britton forward from left back onto the left side of a front four after that in a bid to rescue the tie. In his last game for the club before retirement, the popular Northern Irish/American defender was clearly desperate to win the game and after a barnstorming run forward, he pulled the ball back to Ballantyne.
Quite what Bally was doing popping up out on the left in the final third when he was supposed to be on the right of a back three is anybodies guess, but there he was. Even more remarkable than his lack of positional sense was the fact that he managed to hit a 30 yard looping effort that not only went towards the goal, but forced the Unicorn goalkeeper into a flying save at full stretch to his left. Had that got in, there would have been a genuine pitch invasion,
There was one final chance to come, in the 123rd minute when the Fatboys earned a free kick out on the left. Everyone was thrown forward for Keane’s delivery including Robinson who was then adjudged to have fouled somebody in the box. What happened next was a sour way to end proceedings – although watching it back it was actually quite funny – as Big Bad Stu grabbed a Unicorn player by the skull and began shaking him, as if his head was in fact a piggy bank full of money and Robinson wanted to see how much was in there.
The referee, still bemoaning the fact we were now here at 9.30pm and his bottle of red remained uncorked, was in no mood for this and so showed Robinson a straight red. He then blew the final whistle three seconds later. The Fatboys had lost the cup, but at least Britton got to watch some wrestling after spending the entire week in the lead up to the game begging everyone to go to Walkabout to watch Wrestlemania with him afterwards.
Instead of Wrestlemania at the Walkabout, we found ourselves watching Unicorn lift the trophy and then headed to Molly Malone’s. If there is a good way to lose a cup final, then this was probably it – knowing that you’d given everything but come up against a better side. Who were then only too happy to buy you a beer afterwards. 46-year-old Humphrey even did his Mo Farah impersonation for good measure and there could be a Fatboys wedding in the not-too-distant future as Turner seemed to be making strong progress with Hayley’s sister.
Not the result anyone in green wanted, but we can proud of our performances this season. Third place in the league, a semi final in the Roy Terrington Trophy and a run to the County Trophy final in which we knocked out the two best sides in our division. Now we can all look forward to promotion and (probably) getting hammered in the Premier Division again next season.
HASSOCKS FATBOYS
Scott McCarthy
Clean sheet in the first half in which he made two decent stops and one excellent one-on-one save. Paid for that piece of bravery with a smashed arm that brought his evening to an early close at half time.
Rob Lloyd
One of the Fatboys biggest attacking threats in the first half when marauding forward from right back. He whistled one effort just over the bar and delivered a brilliant cross from which Walsh hit the post. Hopefully, his boss Mrs May was watching and takes that sort of positivity into her summit with EU leaders later this week.
Dan Turner
May have been on the losing side, but he strengthened his position as one of the finest defenders on the Sunday League circuit with another faultless display. After the game he spent most of the evening chatting up Morwenna and appeared to be excelling at that as well.
Ryan John
Managed to get in one ridiculous handball early in the second half. Put in a number of key blocks and tackles before succumbing to chest pains at the start of extra time.
Chris Britton
Couldn’t have given anything more in his final game before retiring to concentrate on his refereeing career. Even managed to get through 120 minutes without taking a foul throw which bodes well for all those higher-level players he will be officiating next season.
Jack Lewis
Picked a good day to deliver his best performance of the season. A typical Jack display featuring a well taken goal, a fight, a yellow card and an ankle injury. He even tried a Guinness in Molly Malone’s afterwards.
Ronnie Devonish
He was quite literally everywhere. Won every tackle, contested every header and looked like he was actually about to die through exhaustion come the final whistle. A man-of-the-match showing and he is already well on the way to securing Fatboys legend status. He also wore a lovely cardigan with his suit.
Andy Brown
Was dripping with sweat come the end to the point he looked like he had just taken on Michael Phelps in an Olympic swimming final. Another who never gave up, it was a real captain’s performance.
Dave Keane
Tormented the Unicorn left back throughout the evening with both pace and trickery. His set piece delivery was also spot on, as shown by the assist he claimed for the Fatboys goal. Managed to talk a sensational amount of nonsense even by his high standards long into Monday morning.
Jordan Walsh
Add the Unicorn defence to the list of opposition who have hated playing against him this season. Hit the post and was denied on a couple of occasions by excellent saves.
Stuart Brown
You could tell it was a cup final as he actually did some defending. Struggled for service at times but when he did have the ball he made things happen, constantly cutting inside and painting looks of worry on the Unicorn defenders’ faces.
SUBS
Stuart Robinson
A string of brilliant saves after his half time introduction ensured that the Fatboys were never out of the game. Got into the spirit of it being Wrestlemania day by channeling his inner Andre the Giant and attempting to rip someones head off at the end.
Dave Linehan
It was a little harsh that he had to settle for a place on the bench but he did his best to make something happen in the hour he got on the pitch. Unlucky with a header late on, he delighted everyone by getting in one his trademark 20 second periods in which he manages to produce 60 stepovers.
Jon Ballantyne
His pace at the back proved to be an extremely welcome addition when covering around as Unicorn attempted to counter late on. Had his shot from 35 yards gone in, there would have been a genuine riot.
John Humphrey
The 46-year-old veteran brought all his experience to the fore. Won his fair share of tackles in extra time and his supplying of oranges and the playing of September by Earth, Wind and Fire in the changing room just before kick off inspired everyone.
Rhyan Thwaites
Unused.
GOALS
28′ Lewis, assist Keane
BOOKINGS
Lewis, kicking the ball away
A Brown, nobody seems to know so we’ll guess it was for having a big head
S Brown, relentless moaning which was very out of character
Turner, slide tackling a player into next Thursday
DISMISSALS
Robinson, trying to physically remove an opponents head from it’s body
MAN OF THE MATCH
Genuinely, there were 16 heroes involved in green but Ronnie Devonish was just about the pick of the bunch.