AFC 2015 Reserves 5-7 Hassocks Fatboys
Sussex Sunday League Division One
Sunday 21st April 2019
The curtain came down on Hassocks Fatboys’ season with what was frankly a complete piss take of a football match against AFC 2015 Reserves.
Neither side could improve on their placings in Sussex Sunday League Division One; the Fatboys guaranteed to finish third with AFC bottom of the pile. Combine that with the fact it was also Easter Sunday – when people have plenty of better things to be getting on with other than playing a pointless game of football – and the hottest April day on record, and you’ve got conditions that were ripe for a game that was about as serious as Ryan John’s dress sense.
Yes, Ryan was one of the bare 11 who were there for kick off on a scorching hot morning at Southwick Rec. Hot on the heels of his “Dad at the Triangle” look from the last league game away at Pevensey & Westam, this time he’d come wearing a matching blue t-shirt and shorts combo made out of velvet. Depending on your viewpoint, he either looked like he was sporting a 90-year-old woman’s curtains or the surface of a snooker table.
Ryan’s choice of attire wasn’t the only strange sight on show as the selection crisis meant that a number of unusual faces were in the squad. 22-year-old goalkeeper Nick Jones was rewarded for a fine season in the reserves by being relegated to the first team, hoping to banish the memory of his last appearance for the front side. On that occasion, he came on with the Fatboys leading 6-1 with 20 minutes to go in a game in which the final score ended up being 6-5.
Joe Brockes clearly still had tequila flowing through his blood from the post-cup final night in Molly Malone’s two weeks previously as he agreed to play despite having the body of a 70-year-old and Ryan Collins was back for his first outing since September. Roo therefore completed the impressive feat of only playing in the first and last games of a season in which we finished third and got to a cup final. His impending marriage to Hayley’s sister will hopefully increase his availability for next season.
With nothing riding on the game, the Fatboys decided to experiment with a 3-5-2 formation with two bold positional decisions, which saw Dan Turner starting in central midfield and Scott McCarthy at left wing back. The wisdom of having a man playing as a wing back who, eight hours before kick off, was videoed skipping around the pool table in the Burrell while singing ABBA songs at the top of his voice after a 16 hour drinking session was brought into question within 15 minutes as he was trying not to be sick. A change to the normal 4-3-3 was subsequently made.
Having said that, it was actually McCarthy and Turner who were responsible for the Fatboys’ first three goals. AFC had taken the lead when a low cross to the far post seemed to avoid everyone and flew in before McCarthy equalised with a genuine goal of the season contender.
The Fatboys’ normal number one won possession out on the left with a surprisingly good tackle and then, spotting the goalkeeper off his line, hit a shot from a full 30 yards that dipped under the crossbar at the last minute. Never again will we see scenes of celebration the like of which followed that frankly ridiculous moment.
Goal two was nearly as strange, Turner popping up on the right wing with a surging run to collect an Andy Brown pass. Whilst the surging part was odd, what came next was even weirder as Turner produced the sort of clever finish that any seasoned striker would be proud of, proving that there is much more to the 18-year-old’s game than heading and kicking the ball as hard as possible.
Turner then did kick the ball as hard as possible to add the Fatboys third, this time with one of his trademark free kicks from a full 35 yards which the AFC goalkeeper could only watch fly in. Almost immediately, AFC pulled one back and they made it 3-3 when Jones made an excellent one-on-one save but nobody was there to back him up and the striker gleefully netted the rebound.
That resulted in Stuart Brown having an out-of-character moment as he lost his mind, shouting that everybody needed to take it more seriously. His mood wasn’t helped when minutes later the referee ruled him offside when he was about to run through on goal. At this point in time, the lack of players for either side meant that we were playing with no linesman and so as a result, Stuart demanded that somebody come and run the line. Hayley duly obliged and next time he was through on goal, she flagged him as being offside. This saw Stuart rather brilliantly launch into a stunning, five-minute long rant which ended with him telling her to “f**k off”.
The second half followed much the same pattern as the first, with plenty of chances at both end as neither side seemed overly bothered about defending. The notable exception there was Jon Ballantyne who was having a stunning game at left back once he’d recovered from an opening 10 minutes in which he looked like a man who’d never played football in his life.
AFC added two more well worked goals whilst 22-year-old Jones underlined his potential with several more smart saves. He even managed to debunk this myth about him always being lobbed with one reaching save above his head from a shot from the edge of the box.
The Fatboys meanwhile racked up four more goals of their own to run out 7-5 winners. The fourth came when McCarthy was through one-on-one but Jordan Walsh very sensibly decided to tackle him and score himself. The fifth saw Bally come charging forward from left back to tee up Stuart. Stuart set up the sixth with a low cross for substitute Jon Deare – who had turned up to sit on the bench 20 minutes late after playing in a golf competition earlier in the morning – to finish.
The seventh and final goal was probably the most important given what it meant for the future of the Fatboys’ resident goblin. Brockesy had said that if he went an entire season without scoring he’d retire in order to concentrate on his role as an investment banker with Gringotts. There were just 10 minutes of the game and the campaign remaining when he finally broke his duck, latching onto another through ball from Andy, rolling past the goalkeeper and into the bottom corner.
The three points and seven goals to round off the season saw Fatboys records tumbled across the board. It meant that 2018-19 became the season in which the first team have won the most league games in the club’s history (12), scored the most goals (72) and picked up the most points (36). Jordan Walsh also became the first player to break the 30 goal mark, with his final haul of 33 setting a new club best.
Given that we’d won just seven times in the previous two seasons in the Premier Division and conceded over 100 times along the way, this was a much more enjoyable campaign for all concerned. Of course, the good news is that a third place finish and reaching the final of the Sussex Sunday Trophy all but guarantees we’re going to get put back into the Premier Division for 2019-20, but hopefully we can make a better stab of it this time. Especially if McCarthy is going to keep scoring worldies.
Fatboys (3-5-2)
Nick Jones
22-year-old goalkeeper gave a good account of himself on his first start for the front side this season. Made one fine stop from an attempted lob (really) and a couple of other good one-on-one saves.
Ryan Collins
Played the 90 minutes at centre back and gave the Fatboys a reminder of what they’ve been missing all season with a commanding display, including some delightful pings out of defence.
Ryan John
Rewarded for turning up looking like the inside of a pensioner’s jewellery box by being given the captaincy for the day. Responded with an impressive performance, including a trademark handball when throwing his shoulder at a long ball over the top.
Jon Ballantyne
Starting on the left of a back three, he looked like a man who’d never played football before. It says much about the way in which he regained his composure that he ended up being man-of-the-match after the change back to 4-3-3.
Drew Nelson
Enjoyed his brief time as a right wing back with some surging runs forward. Did equally good things when switched to a more traditional full back role after the formation adjustment.
Andy Brown
Three assists was a good return from midfield. A typical all-action display in which he was unlucky not to score with a couple of efforts from distance.
Joe Brockes
Played in a midfield role which he may not have been used to, but that didn’t matter as the Goblin got the goal that should ensure he doesn’t retire. It was a neat finish and it was also pleasing to see him spend most of the game saying, “Nahhhhh, me groins gone” to anyone within earshot.
Dan Turner
He’s had a magnificent season at the heart of the back four and so he was let off the leash and moved into midfield. Got two goals as a result and even showed a surge of pace.
Scott McCarthy
Not built for a left wing back role at the best of times, let alone after a 16 hour drinking session. Managed to score a stunning goal from out there but looked much better when moved forward into a front three, where he didn’t have to run or concentrate on not being sick as much.
Stuart Brown
Arguably his greatest meltdown of the season, and there is plenty of competition for that. A goal and an assist completed a decent morning for the Fatboys’ regular ray of sunshine.
Jordan Walsh
Started up front, dropped into midfield and even had a stint at left back. Not that all that positional upheaval could prevent the Fatboys’ top scorer from getting on the score sheet, notching his 33rd of the season.
Substitutes
Jon Deare
Came on in midfield for his first appearance for the front side of the season and duly notched a goal with a very cool finish.
Goals
10′ McCarthy, assist N/A
14′ Turner, assist A Brown
19′ Turner, assist A Brown
56′ Walsh, assist McCarthy
65′ S Brown, assist Ballantyne
73′ Simpson, assist S Brown
81′ Brockes, assist A Brown
Man of the Match
Jordan Walsh had a wonderful morning in a number of different positions, Dan Turner scored twice from midfield but at times it seemed like Jon Ballantyne was the Fatboys only defender (probably because he was) and he even managed to claim a rare assist.