It was a memorable season for Hassocks Fatboys Reserves as they pulled off a great escape from relegation and amassed more points than they managed the previous year in doing so. Manager Reece Wickwar gives his verdicts on his player’s performances across the 2018-19 campaign.
Nick Jones
It’s been another year in which Nick has managed to somehow not age a day and remains a tender 22 years old. As always it’s been a season littered with some outrageously good shot stopping coupled with some frankly erratic distribution. He has dug the reserves out of trouble more times than he’s put them in it this year and rumour on the block is that this is because he has calmed down through a new found passion of baking. Unless he’s talking to Potter in which case it’s anything but calm. We couldn’t sign this off without pointing out that Jones has been lobbed an incredible 47 times this year, 67% of which have been efforts within his own area.
Nick Davie
This season he has been delving between the first and second team and unfortunately for him, his worst moment was having his cup tying rescinded to allow him to play in the semi-final of the invitational cup where he couldn’t identify which part of his leg (enthusiasm) was injured. Nick has seen some of his best performances this year in a reserves shirt at right back and has developed well over the season, showcasing why his mentor Andy Brown has called upon him so many times. His consistency is always welcomed by the reserves even if it does mean 90 minutes of random shrieking and occasional panic. However, despite numerous good performances, poor Nick has only earned (legally) 1 point in the second string this season. He has been overheard asking Stevie how to sort his hair out. Reply pending.
Ali Jenkins
A strong return from Ali has seen a massive improvement in performances put in by the reserves this season and the addition of him to the squad was welcomed by all (excepting Kev initially). Ali took 3 man of the match awards in a row with his first three starts which saw the awarding of the prize subsequently finished as it was boring seeing him repeatedly take it. His personal highlight will be that he scuffed a free kick through the wall and the keeper didn’t throw his hat hard enough at the effort to stop it trickling in. He’s notched up a handful of goals from centre back but most notably his influence through communication on the pitch has made the world of a difference. A shoe-in for players’ player and rightly so, Jenkins has had a stellar season for the Fatboys.
Jules Clay
Mr Evergreen himself. Young Julian has rolled back the years and defied the odds in his best season for the greens thus far. He has set the tone at times for the second string with his willingness to get stuck in and never shy’s away from anything. He even marks two players at once! Jules has been a calm, reasoning voice amongst us (just ask Luke Vick) despite his attempts to start a fracas with supporters at Waterhall. Jules’ highlight of the year has to be stepping up to slot home the decisive penalty against Kingston Broadway to ensure the victory and a story he could tell to anyone with a pair of functional ears for the next 8 weeks.
Ross Joannides
A mix of availability (rightfully) owing to the arrival of a baby daughter has left a frizzy hair-shaped hole in the heart of the defence for the reserves with Ross amassing 13 spread across the season. When called upon, Ross has been Mr Reliable as is always the case. The Ivan Campo of the SSFL has impressed many an opposition player and managers alike.
Bruce Bignell
The fittest and friendliest man to ever don the toxic green jersey has sadly been restricted to just 8 appearances this year. His vocality, spirit and composure have been welcomed equally as much as his handsome face when available. Bruce notched a goal and an assist within those and has played in nearly every position. It was discovered that he may well not be a right winger though. Perhaps next year is the year that his fancy footwork moves from the dancefloor to the wing?
Sam Wilson
Without a doubt his stand-out year for the greens. Sam has featured the second most times for the reserves this year and developed his game. He and Jenkins have formed a solid partnership (minus set pieces and all the other goals conceded) which has blossomed as the season goes on. Mr Cab Driver Wilson has given his all for the team and this season has seen him reach 100 games and 1 whole goal for the club. Never one to leave others disappointed, Sam has once again provided his fair share of ridiculous moments, best of all being his truly diabolical penalty vs Amici which has been watched as many times as it was inches away from going in. He also set a new PB for headers won with OPTA registering 16 over the campaign.
Desmond Balderdash
If you had to pick choose one Fatboy to award the title of ‘Most Eclectic’ you’d struggle. That is unless you’ve met Des. As the season went on, he saw his role change from stopper to striker with an impressive (by HFBII’s standards) return for the amount of games played up front. Between forgetting his boots and being mocked by every team he has faced for wearing a totally unnecessary hairband, John Kelly has provided a physical edge and many an over-zealous shout of DES IS UP before nodding wide or over. 6 goals and 1 assist for Des, as well as 8 team mates taken by surprise to find out his name isn’t actually Desmond Balderdash. He has also well and truly educated the reserves on Botox facts and was named most intelligent by Jules.
Stuart Young
Fan favourite Stuart Young wins the prize for best boots in the SSFL with his Champagne Adidas Predator Manias. Taking time out of his Sunday schedule of recording Retro Video game clips for his Youtube channel and playing the drums, Stuart has shown that he is one of the most consistent and technically able Fatboys. The first team have been after him for a while and rightly so. A solitary goal and the occasional foray as a left winger have showcased a solid season.
Luke Vick
The late marquee addition of evil Luke was an immediate impact with a (wickedly deflected) worldie strike on an impeccable debut. Since that start at left wing, Luke has gone on to become a staple part of the reserves starting eleven and his anchoring role has been pivotal in the turnaround of the reserves performances (we won’t mention how Anthony Barness made him disappear for 90 minutes). In amongst his good performances, Luke has become a little bit angry, but a calming word from either Jones, Kev or Jules helped him to regulate quickly.
Ian Simpson
Ian and his boulder head have been a big boost when available this year, with two goals and 5 assists in 7 appearances being a fantastic return, with one of his goals being a goal of the season contender from range. Ian particularly enjoyed playing against Pound Hill twice and sarcastic shouts of “Well done, what a great bunch of blokes” were enjoyed by all. It was all going so well until he fell in love.
Kenny Tinnion
A particular highlight of Kenny’s season was when he was brawling with an opposition member on the floor, seemingly winning and diffusing the situation, only for big brother Justin to make things about him by tackling said opposition member off of big Ken. His versatility has seen him dip between central midfield and centre forward where he has been unfortunate to not add more goals for his efforts (not including one or two highly questionable finishes). Kenny’s potential as the youngest Fatboy continues to leave fans excited for the future and he has managed to remain injury free all year – not bad for someone with a knee made of swiss cheese.
Justin Parker
Here lies the career of Justin Parker. It was all going swimmingly until he left a former premier league player ghost past him and slam one into the top corner in a semi final. It was at this point, Justin decided his time as a Hassocks Fatboys player was up. He notched up 5 assists (all Hollywood passes from a minimum of 30m away) this season and his competitive nature benefitted the reserves in his 13 appearances. Rumours of a switch to AFC Aymer have left the HFB faithful scratching their heads and a dip in subscriptions to his Youtube channel. Took great pride in telling everyone he could find that he was to be sent off, removed his shinpads and undid his laces only to receive a yellow card. Thanks for memories Justin. Sorry it had to end this way.
Kevin Ticehurst
Kev has broken the record for being the smallest man to ever play in the Sussex Sunday League following confirmation via the publishing of team photos, stealing the accolade from Martyn Buxton. That said, Kev has been both the keenest player and fan for us since that most improved player incident. He may not have enough room for a kit bag but he has found room in the side in a deep lying role which he refuses to stick to. He’s got a well-deserved long ranged goal for his Bilbo Baggins marauding from holding midfield. This season has also seen Kev banned from running the line. If there were a golden boot for celebrated goals in training, Kev would take it. A solid second season for Kev all round.
Mike Meckiff
One of the best additions of the year has been Mike. He’s slotted in wherever asked and always given 100% to the cause. His best moment was coming on to replace Wickwar in the dying embers of what looked set to be a shock win over Pound Hill, before immediately giving away a penalty to level the tie, confirming that he belongs amongst the Fats. Mike received a wealth of compliments after being dropped to the firsts for a double header. He has come incredibly close to scoring on a handful of occasions but somehow seems to have kept the ball out of the net. The only man to choosingly play through damaged knee ligaments. He exhibited an excellent use of taxpayers money to get the MOD to wash the reserve team kit.
Stevie Stockwell
Stevie arrived, not knowing what he was walking into as he sounded out Fatboys as a way of getting back into football. The Nicky Clarke of Keymer has settled in fantastically and is without a doubt a great addition to the club in multiple respects. His persistence on the pitch has paid off and his high energy has been a great attribute for the seconds this season. Gun-nut Stevie has also thrown his name into the hat for goal of the season with a turn and finish akin to Bergkamp vs Newcastle in 2002. Stevie was unfortunate to not score twice against the friendly Worthing Predators but his desire to drive and improve as well as his general attitude have been exemplary to those around him. Except when he started calling people F***ing Crawley Pikey C***s!
Sam Harding
Mr Harding as his pupils call him has gone from strength to strength this season, however a ring around a lady’s finger has subsequently seen the handsome chap disappear all but entirely from the team sheet. Starting as one of a possible 14 full backs, Sam has popped up with some vital goals and earned the nickname of Babyface Assassin amongst his peers, showcasing a previously undiscovered talent to make perfectly timed runs to the back post and notch. Will we see him appear again or is this the end? Tune in next time to find out…
Simon O’Brien
It’s been an up and down season for the veteran but when he’s been around his addition to the squad has been noticeable. Sunday mornings at football are difficult for Simon as he has to prise himself away from his Keyboard Warrior duties and act like a normal person for a few hours. The reserves record goal scorer has turned provider this season, his most impressive appearance coming against Amici in the latter stages of the campaign where he managed 4 assists in one outing. Despite insistence from inside sources that his career is almost as over as his hairline, Simon is looking to join the 100 club next year and get back to scoring.
Alejandro Knott
We’ve got a (non-speaking) Spanish international. Young Ando suffers from a rare disorder which we wouldn’t wish upon our worst enemies– he is friends with Nick Davie. Despite this, it has turned out that away from the Amex stadium where he is toxic, he’s an alright bloke. Ando’s form caught the attention of the first team big wigs early on with his ability to run at the defence and pounce on chances – said performances have seen him lead the way for the reserve team in the scoring charts. When the seconds haven’t had him, it’s been bittersweet as his ability is missed but it does also mean 4 point Nick is probably unavailable too. Our fans are savouring the thought of him getting a full injury free season under his bed.
Chris Clayton
We thought we’d see the last of El Bod this year but when a semi final became a possibility the doctors cleared him for action after a career ending knee injury and we saw his purple fleece and rascal basketball shorts return to the green fields of Clayton. Despite a lower than usual amount of appearances, Bod has still racked up a few goals proving that class is permanent (and that being 9ft tall on a Sunday is a handy attribute to have). It’s a case of what could have been with Chris’s return looking like it was going to come with a soaring rise to steal the golden boot but alas it wasn’t to be. A shocking moment of the season was when Chris was compared to the big show for the first time ever in his Sunday league career before being sexually harassed by an opposition defender. Paper talk suggests that he has been forced to retire under doctors orders are at present unconfirmed.
Mark ‘Chairman’ Potter
The 2018/19 season has seen Mark draw a number of comparisons. Here they are in no particular order; Gennaro Gattuso, Karl Oyston, Kaka, Vince McMahon, Thomas Hitzelsperger, Chairman Mao, Lenin. All things considered, Mark never lets anything get to his head and focuses on what is important – arguing with Jones and falling on the floor. Potter was unfortunate to not score the goal of the season when he attempted an audacious 40 yard volley against FC Swans at Stanmer Park which dipped just beyond the bar. Potter has brought flair and channelled aggression the the SSFL division 3 fixtures this year but sadly it seems he intends to use the 19/20 season to wind down an illustrious career in radioactive green. The Chairman deserves all the credit he gets for his contributions to the team and the club on a wider perspective. Here’s to you, Potter.