Hassocks Fatboys 6-3 Burgess Hill Rhinos

Pre-season friendly
Wednesday 24th July 2019
Ardingly College
 

On the day that the United Kingdom recorded its highest ever temperature, the country being hotter than Dubai and Las Vegas, Hassocks Fatboys took to the field for their first pre-season fixture of the 2019-20 season.

Ardingly College was the venue, Burgess Hill Rhinos were the opponents and it was seriously warm. So warm in fact that this became a game of four quarters rather than the proverbial two halves.

Despite the very real risk of sunstroke, this was a pleasing run out. A 6-3 victory represented a decent start, especially given that the majority of the team hadn’t played together since that heartbreaking Sussex Sunday Trophy final defeat to Unicorn United back at the start of April.

There have been some changes at Fatboys HQ over the summer. Chris Britton has retired in order to take his refereeing more seriously, a strange decision for a man who took three foul throws in one game last season. 46-year-old John Humphrey is taking a three month sabbatical on a Saga Cruise around Scandinavia and we’ve also lost the services of Ananda Hoque, reasons unknown.

An extensive summer recruitment campaign has paid dividends with a grand total of zero new signings turning up to training so far.

To get 14 players together for this clash with the Rhinos, Turner had to bring one of his mates along and Dave Keane managed to find the one spot in Ardingly which has phone signal to call Balcombe full back Ryan Davidson and ask him if he fancied a game. Despite having played with Duck in front of him just 24 hours later, Rylo agreed to do so again – clearly a glutton for punishment.

The plan to get new faces in may not have gone as well as could be hoped, but we were at least boosted by the return of two old ones. A leaner, meaner Gander was back for his first action in nine months looking suspiciously like a man whose been spending a lot of time at Sahara Tanning in Burgess Hill.

Gander was insistent that his look is all natural and a result of spending the previous day at the beach, but I’ve never seen anyone develop a tan to rival that of Kat Slater’s just from a few hours in Shoreham before.

The other returnee was Michael Russell, back in a Fatboys shirt having spent last season with Portslade Athletic. Michael was a stalwart for our two previous Premier Division seasons when we got hammered every week, left for the year we were in Division One and were actually able to win some games and has now returned when we’re going back into the Prem. Another glutton for punishment.

It was Turner’s aforementioned mate, Charlie Tyzack, who gave the Fatboys the lead less than 10 minutes into his debut with a predatory finish after the Rhino’s goalkeeper spilled Jordan Walsh’s free kick.

That was the start of an excellent performance from young Charlie, who excelled in the Andy Brown role just behind the front three. He’d go onto add an assist in the second half and probably could have had about five more assists if Walsh had brought his shooting boots.

You name as many different types of chances as you like, and it’s likely that Jordan missed it. He managed to put one over from three yards on a tight angle. There was a header that was off target. A couple of one-on-ones saved. He could’ve squared to give Stuart Brown a tap in but instead blasted wide. Actually, we’ll let him off that one as nobody wants to see Stuart score.

Walsh did eventually net shortly after the first drinks break, finishing his 11th chance of the evening after Jack Lewis had danced around a couple of men before playing an exquisite through ball.

That made it 2-1, the Rhinos having equalised right on the stroke of, er, the first quarter time. According to Google, a rhinoceros can actually run at a surprisingly fast 55km/h and the Rhinos left winger can’t have been far off that pace as he skipped away from Gander and pulled back for an easy tap in for the arriving striker.

Tyzack claimed his assist for the Fatboys third goal, slipping Jack in for a one-on-one which he coolly dinked over the goalkeeper. It was the sort of effort Jack always tries in the warm up and always succeeds in losing a ball with, so to see it finally come off in a game situation was pleasing.

It looked like we’d make it to the end of the second quarter two goals to the good until a spectacular collapse in the final five minutes saw the Rhinos level things up. The second was again the result of some astonishing pace and the third bounced cannoned off the crossbar and onto the line, from where it bounced clear.

With goal line technology yet to be installed at Ardingly (it really should be given how much the pitch costs to hire and with no showers provided either), it was left to a very honest Turner to say that the ball was in by the smallest of margins.

There were a raft of changes at half time, including Andy bringing himself on despite being injured. “I definitely can’t play” he said before the game with regards to his ongoing knee issue, so congratulations to whoever had 45 in the sweepstake for the minute he would decide he was coming on anyway.

Ryan John also entered proceedings having arrived at Ardingly 30 minutes late because he had booked himself in for a massage. 15 minutes after coming on and Ryan was walking off again having injured his groin. Money well spent on that masseur.

Both teams tired in the heat as the contest progressed through the third and fourth quarters. Rhinos resorted to peppering Scott McCarthy’s goal with long range shots and crosses which were routine enough for the Fatboys’ number one and the defence to deal with.

Most of the action took place at the other end, where three more goals were added. Andy got two of them, both assisted by Stuart with the first being a particularly impressive header after an equally good cross. The other goal came from Turner whose body appeared to be momentarily made out of elastic as he contorted to head home a Keane corner. It rather made a mockery of the fact that Stuart, Michael and Rylo had taken the preceding six corners short.

The score probably should have been greater than six as Walsh squandered even more chances in the second half, Stuart missed a one-on-one followed by our first Stuart Scream of the season and Michael got the ball in the back of the net only for it to be controversially ruled out for offside. Even Ronnie Devonish had a shot which wasn’t far away.

Tougher tests will lie ahead, but this was a pleasing start. It’s good to be back.
 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
A relatively quiet evening. Held a few distance shots and crosses and dealt comfortably with a number of back passes, including from Michael who played three from 60 yards up the pitch in the space of 10 minutes.
Jon Ballantyne
Kept the pacey winger quiet during his stint at right back in the first quarter. Moved to centre half for the second quarter where he won some headers before taking up linesman duties.
Jason Gander
He’s hit the gym to lose a lot of weight and the sunbed to look like a contestant on Love Island. A solid return after nine months out with one classic Gander phrase of “If they break here, I’m in a lot of bother” thrown in for good measure.
Dan Turner
His most telling contribution was bringing Charlie along. Still managed to give a classic Turner performance, scoring a stunning header, losing a ball in a corn field because he hit it so hard and taking lots of long throws.
Rob Lloyd
On the day that Boris Johnson became Prime Minister, Bert gave a performance that any Civil Servant would be proud of. Cool and calm under pressure and professional to the end.
Jack Lewis
Once again, Jack turned it on in a pre-season friendly to score a goal and claim an assist. It’s fair to say he was on absolute fire, so we now look forward to him not scoring until April once the real stuff starts.
Ronnie Devonish
At the heart of everything good that the Fatboys did from his traditional holding midfield positon. He chased, he harried, he tackled and he very nearly scored.
Charlie Tyzack
On this basis, he looks like quite the find. A goal and an assist from the attacking midfield role and you suspect there is more to come as well.
Dave Keane
Duck’s goal drought goes on but he did at least claim an assist with an excellent corner for Turner’s header. There was even the sight of him chasing back to put in a challenge in the right back position. What the hell was that all about?
Jordan Walsh
If you read the Fatboys’ Twitter feed, you could be forgiven for thinking Jordan missed the best part of 237 chances. It wasn’t that bad and he did score one. Those fans asking what Aaron is up to on Sundays this year do not represent the views of the majority.
Stuart Brown
Stuart is about two stone lighter than he was this time last year and it showed as he claimed two assists with some fine wing play. Inspired by Duck’s newfound liking of defending, he too tracked back on a couple of occasions.
 

Subs

Michael Russell
A good return for the former fan favourite after a year away. He got in some trademark keepy ups under pressure in our own box, played some ridiculous back passes from 70 yards down the pitch and looked a real threat going forward. Good to have him back.
Ryan Davidson
A late call up after we realised we only had 12 players. Rylo had a fine game at right back, dealing well with the pacey Rhinos winger and whipping in some fine balls when the opportunity to get forward arose. His seven-year-old son also managed to lob Jonesy during a half time kick around which was fantastic to watch .
Andy Brown
Too injured to play and yet he came on at the end of the second quarter and scored twice. Classic Andy.
Ryan John
Turned up late after having a massage, only to pull his groin inside of 15 minutes. It was a great 15 minutes though as he started with one of his shin pads on upside down, screamed “C**T” at the top of his voice when an attempted piece of control in the middle of the pitch bounced off for a throw and asked the referee if the official was blind.
 

Goals

09′ Tyzack, assist Walsh
28′ Walsh, assist Lewis
32′ Lewis, assist Tyzack
54′ A Brown, assist S Brown
73′ A Brown, assist S Brown
79′ Turner, assist Keane
 

Man of the Match

You know what’s coming – the traditional award to a debutant as Charlie Tyzack gets it for his goal and assist.