Three points and ice cream as Fatboys make a winning start

Physics Athletico 2-4 Hassocks Fatboys

Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 1st September 2019
Walmer Road
 

It’s hard to know what the best part of the opening day of the 2019-20 Sussex Sunday League Premier Division season was. The fact Andy Brown scored a hat-trick on his birthday. The fact that Hassocks Fatboys became the first team to win against Physics Athletico at Walmer Road for three years. Or the fact an ice cream van turned up right on cue at the final whistle.

Given that the ice cream man probably took a good £40 from a flock of green shirts sprinting over to it at the end of the game, you’d probably have to say it was the latter. Charlie was so impressed he bought two for himself, Ronnie declared the bubblegum flavour the best he’d ever had and the strawberry was an absolute delight. The only letdown? A lack of Twisters, scientifically proven to be the best ice cream to cure a hangover.



And there were plenty of hungover faces among the Fatboys squad. It isn’t hard to see why Physics haven’t lost at their home ground for so long because who wants to drive all the way to Seaford on a Sunday morning? Somehow, we’d managed to find 13 willing souls, although the fact that three of them didn’t turn up until 10 minutes before kick off meant the warm up was brief.

One of those latecomers was Jason Gander, making his first appearance for the first team since last September. Gander had an eventful morning after his tyre exploded on the M25 as he travelled down from Essex to play. A 70 mile journey, a wheel change on the side of the busiest road in the country and he still made it for kick off. That one will be getting rolled out in the winter months when somebody pulls out with a minor toothache two hours before the game because it’s raining.

Gander’s late arrival meant he was running the line, which was in itself a problem. He admitted halfway through the game – when a fifth appeal for offside saw no flag raised – that he doesn’t actually understand the offside rule. Which makes a lot of sense given that since Gander made his Fatboys debut in 2012, he must have played close to 500,000 different players onside.

The other man on the bench was new face Aidan Smyth, who would come onto make his debut as a half time substitute. There was one other debutant in the starting lineup, Charlie Tyzack who as already mentioned is absolutely loving his first taste of Sunday League due to the ice cream man. He even got to have a Happy Meal from Newhaven’s McDonalds on the way home and do some colouring.

Those two new faces aside, it’s pretty much the same squad that finished third in Division One last season who are having a crack at the Premier this time. We lost both league games to Physics last year and only managed to beat them in the County Cup semi final because the referee and his two linesmen somehow missed 46-year-old John Humphrey (sadly now retired) punch the ball over the bar in the last minute. So this win represents progress.

We were helped by the fact that Physics weren’t anywhere near their normal best, largely due to a wedding in their ranks the previous evening. That’s probably why Andy managed to score twice inside the first six minutes to give us the most un-Fatboys like start to the season ever. The second was a screamer which the goalkeeper could only watch sail into the top corner.

Andy’s quick-fire brace was particularly impressive given that he didn’t go home the previous night. Rumour has it that Hayley had bought £50 worth of seafood shipped in from Spain for a birthday dinner, but our captain fantastic decided he’d rather stay in the pub. Andy was last seen on Saturday night berating Fatboys chairman Mark Potter in Burgess Hill for wearing a Graham Potter – Pep Guardiola half-and-half scarf on the way back from Brighton’s 4-0 defeat at Manchester City.

Very little else happened for the majority of the rest of the first half. Scott McCarthy made one save and was quick off his line once, but other than that the back four of Tyzack, Ryan John, Dan Turner and Michael Russell were relatively solid.

Ronnie Devonish was doing an excellent job in the holding role, Dave Linehan was spraying balls around like nobody’s business and Jamie Wilkes-Spies and Stuart Brown were working hard on the flanks, which was important given that the pitch was wider than Brockesy’s favourite sort of women in Jacobs Post. Brockesy was sadly absent due to the North London Derby.

The Fatboys were so comfortable that it was actually pretty unnerving. That was until the very last seconds of the half when Ryan gave away the most stupid penalty that you’ll ever see. Ryan’s appeal against the decision consisted of him shouting at the referee, “Come on ref, I tried to get the ball but I just missed.” The ref looked very confused by this before replying with, “I know. That’s why it’s a penalty.” Our old mate Haribo duly dispatched the spot kick into the bottom corner.

Half time saw Aidan come on in a straight swap for Charlie at right back and Gander replaced Wilkes-Spies. Having seen Ryan concede that penalty and then inadvertently tell the referee that he’d got the decision 100% correct, it was decided to put Gander in at centre back and move Ryan into an attacking midfield role. Hopefully, Ryan could cause as much damage in the Physics box as he had in ours.

The message hammered into the troops at the break was that Physics were below par, we’d led 2-0 and it would therefore be extremely disappointing if we were to make the long trip back to Hassocks with nothing to show for our efforts. Especially given the fact that points may be hard to come by in the Premier Division this season.

Needless to say, the team reacted to this pep talk by conceding an equaliser within 10 minutes of the restart. A long ball came over the top and rather than try and win it, Gander simply turned to face his own goal and began sprinting towards the bushes behind it. It was as if he’d spotted a Bet365 free £10 bet voucher in the trees. Unfortunately, this uncharacteristic turn of pace from Gander was all in vain as while he was heading one way, Physics had won the ball in the air and played in Haribo who finished neatly under the body of McCarthy.

Things turned a little cagey after that with Physics just about on top and having the significant slope to their advantage. Turner showed why he was playing for Hassocks in the FA Vase six days previously by winning some crucial headers, Michael turned some dangerous crosses behind at the expense of a succession of corners and Gander went on a blocking spree now that he was finally facing the right way.

The next goal would be crucial and it was somewhat against the run of play that the Fatboys got it. Jordan Walsh had been a bustling presence up top all morning and he managed to find Wilkes-Spies who had come back on for Ryan.

There didn’t seem to be much on when Wilkesy received possession, but one perfect Maradona turn took two men out the game and created enough space for him to smash the ball into the top corner. It was brilliant, an early candidate for Goal of the Season and allowed Andy to get his favoured phrase in of “THAT IS A SPLENDID GOAL” with the campaign just 76 minutes old.

That deflated Physics and the game was up 10 minutes later when the goalkeeper decided to put Walsh in a chicken wing choke hold as the two battled for the ball. A penalty was the only outcome and despite Gander striding forward with purpose to try and claim he should take it, Andy took responsibility and scored for his hat-trick.

It was just as the ball crashed into the back of the net that the ice cream van turned up. Five minutes later and we were sitting in the sun with three points in the bag and a scoop of Carte D’Or on the perfect Sunday morning. What a way to start the season.
 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
A relatively quiet morning. Made one solid first half stop but other than that he had nothing to do. The new rule about defenders being allowed in the box from a goal kick meant he didn’t even have to take one of those, instead just tapping it to Turner every time.
Charlie Tyzack
It was a solid 45 minutes at right back for the debutant until injury struck. He cheered himself up by getting two ice creams and partaking in children’s activities in McDonalds on the way home.
Ryan John
He was going well until conceding that penalty. Had a couple of chances when moved into the attacking midfield role and then took over as linesman, getting to call an opposition player a nonce when the striker disagreed with an offside decision.
Dan Turner
You could tell he was hungover as he only took about three long throws all game. A typical Turner performance in that he headed and blocked everything and managed to clear the opposition crossbar from a free kick 80 yards away.
Michael Russell
Good to have him back after a season spent playing in Division Three with one of the Portslade teams. He linked up well with Wilkes-Spies down the left hand side and put in some testing crosses from deep.
Ronnie Devonish
Last season’s Manager’s Player of the Year was straight back into the swing of things as he constantly won possession back, created chances going forward and then sat right in front of the back four to soak up any pressure in the final 10 minutes.
Dave Linehan
He created the second goal for Andy and did an excellent job all morning despite being shunted from defensive midfield to left wing to attacking midfield. This may have also been the first game in his Fatboys career in which he didn’t attempt an unnecessary step over.
Andy Brown
A man of the match performance from the Fatboys captain. Three goals including a sight rarer than rocking horse shit – a successful penalty.
Stuart Brown
Took up a position on the unfamiliar right hand side but he took to it like a duck to water – which was ironic as he was replacing Duck. One assist for brother Andy’s first goal and he was even seen coming back to help out Charlie and Aidan.
Jordan Walsh
Didn’t get the goal that his hardworking performance deserved but two assists was just about enough compensation. Took home and ate a chicken Caesar wrap which he had found on the side of the pitch afterwards which was an interesting decision.
Jamie Wilkes-Spies
He was reasonably quiet by his normal high standards until that piece of magic for his goal which more than made up for it. It was exactly the sort of finish that his father-in-law Steve Spies would not have scored.
 

Subs

Aidan Smyth
“I’ve only ever seen you play for 45 minutes at centre back before, but you’re going on at right back.” Those were the words of wisdom that welcomed Aidan into his competitive Fatboys debut. In the end, he had a good time of it at right back with an impressive showing against a tricky winger.
Jason Gander
Ridiculous dedication to drive all the way from Essex, blow a tyre on the M25 and still make it to Seaford in time for kick off. He had a good 45 minutes for the 98% of it in which he wasn’t facing in the wrong direction.
 

Goals

02′ A Brown, assist S Brown
06′ A Brown, assist Linehan
76′ Wilkes-Spies, assist Walsh
86′ A Brown, assist Walsh
 

Man of the Match

Couldn’t be anyone else than the birthday boy Andy Brown.