Hassocks Fatboys 4-1 Athletico VB

Sussex Sunday Challenge Cup First Round
Sunday 20th October 2019
 

This was an unusually stress-free morning for Hassocks Fatboys. No dramas, no drop outs and relatively few cock ups as we comfortably progressed to round two of the Sussex Sunday Challenge Cup with a 4-1 win over Worthing League side Athletico VB.

There were only 12 players available for selection for a whole host of reasons. Rob Lloyd had a watching brief after aggravating a calf problem in his 100th appearance for the club the previous week, Jack Lewis and Jon Ballantyne couldn’t play because they were seeing their girlfriends (not together) and Ryan John had decided to punish himself for last week’s misdemeanours by going to Old Trafford to watch Manchester United v Liverpool.

On the plus side, Joe Brockes was in the squad for the first time this season and there was a belated home debut for Mike McDonald. By the end of the morning, Mike would go onto complete the rite of passage that every Fatboys defender goes through before becoming truly accepted at this great football club by scoring a fantastic own goal. Scott McCarthy was also back between the sticks just one week after seeing the wheel and axle fly off his car at 70 mph on the A23, ploughing into a lamppost as a result and yet somehow walking away with only a few bumps and bruises.

What helped the Fatboys’ cause despite the shortage of numbers was that it was a remarkably sober team, possibly for the first time this season. Only Dave Keane and Jamie Wilkes-Spies had been out the night before with Wilkesy looking the most in trouble. As he and father-in-law Steve Spies entered the changing room, Spiesy offered a pretty damning verdict of Wilkesy’s current situation.

“I don’t know how much use he’ll be today as the boy is an absolute mess. He needs to sort himself out.” A strong statement from a man I remember turning up pissed to a Hassocks Reserve team game circa 2006 with a kit bag in which he’d mistakenly packed his wife’s high heels rather than his football boots after a particularly heavy night.

Dan Turner took part in the pre-game warm up wearing a high-viz builders coat having forgotten to bring a jumper of his own. McCarthy meanwhile had also been Mr Forgettable, only realising at 10am that he had no goalkeepers gloves. That necessitated a brisk drive back to Burgess Hill to fetch some. Thankfully, that didn’t feature any vehicle parts flying off at high speed and he actually made it back to Clayton with 10 minutes to go before kick off.

VB only had 12 men themselves and their cause wasn’t helped by the fact that their striker seemed to get injured every 10 minutes, before making a Lazarus-style recovery. These weren’t little knocks either but genuinely big whacks. At one point, a visiting player and Stuart Brown had to combine to carry him to the sidelines with his ankle dangling around. Remarkably, he was back on the pitch five minutes later having shown great initiative to use the bollards in the car park as some some of slalom course to weave in and out of.

As was the case in their last cup outing two weeks ago at Hove Lawns, the Fatboys abandoned their normal long ball game and decided instead to do something called passing football. The zippy Clayton surface helped and as a result of this new approach, we were able to carve VB open with increasing regularity. There was particular joy to be had going down the right channel where the San Miguel-filled duo of Duck and Wilkesy were providing a threat that VB couldn’t live with.

Wilkesy in particular was defying his status as a man who got in at 5.30am having lost his wallet and provisional licence three days before his driving test. He set up the first goal with a barnstorming run forward from right back, delivering the perfect cross which Jordan Walsh met with a clinical header despite the attentions of two VB centre backs.

Wilkesy had a chance to double the lead himself when he popped up in a central area but his shot was just wide of the post. Michael Russell at left back was also getting a lot of joy from driving forward and he too managed to get an effort away which was well saved by the visiting keeper, one of a number of excellent stops that the VB number one made across the game.

Goal number two for the Fatboys again came from the right. This time, it was Duck who won possession in the VB half, got to the byline and cut the ball back for Jordan who was lurking inside the area to fire home. Given that Jordan tends to save all of his goals for when Chantelle isn’t watching, it was nice to see him scoring in front of her for once.

VB did manage to foster a couple of chances of their own, McCarthy making a good save from a one-on-one as the striker tried to lift the ball over his head, perhaps having heard that the Fatboys have a goalkeeper with a reputation for getting lobbed but not realising it’s actually 22-year-old Reserves prodigy Nick Jones. McCarthy also made a solid stop from a distance strike, helpfully encouraged by Turner shouting “SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT” at the winger as he cut inside.

There was a bit of a blow 30 minutes in when Wilkesy took a nasty kick to the ankle. He told Andy that he needed to come off immediately, but Andy wasn’t having it and told him to stay on “for the last two minutes of the half.” When Wilkesy then checked the time remaining with the referee, it turned out there were actually 15 minutes remaining. At this news, Wilkesy hauled himself off with Brockesy entering the fray.

This necessitated some positional adjustments as Brockesy went on the left side of the front three and Stuart dropped into right back. Once we’d made it to the break still 2-0 ahead, it was decided to implement a change in formation from 4-3-3 to a 3-4-3. Well, when I say decided, what I actually mean is that Stuart point blank refused to play as a right back and so took it upon himself to play as a right winger.

Somehow, we got away with it. VB realised very quickly that we didn’t have a right back anymore and so began to attack down their left but Mike and Turner proved to be more than capable of covering across. On the one time they did get through, McCarthy pulled off a fine save to turn a powerful shot around the post.

There was one fantastic moment when Stuart decided to berate Turner for going long from a goal kick, telling him “That’s not what we said to do at half time.” Given that we’d said Stuart should play as a right back and he clearly wasn’t doing that either, this was a brilliant piece of irony. It was only when Scary Spiesy had a word that Stuart began to do some defending.

Our mercurial winger wasn’t particularly impressed with a Turner free kick early in the second half either. It was from a good range, some 25 yards out from goal but the young centre back had obviously been taking inspiration from Owen Farrell’s performance against Australia the previous day as he managed to clear the cross bar, the hedge, the B2112, the wall the other side of the road and the house behind the wall. This didn’t please Hayley on the sidelines who had only just come back from a similar ball retrieval mission when Brockesy managed to somehow clear all the aforementioned roads, shrubbery and buildings from about six yards out. “I don’t know how I even got it so high,” the Goblin said afterwards.

Stuart took the next free kick and drew another good save from the goalkeeper. There was nothing that the VB number one could do about the Fatboys third however which arrived just before the hour mark, Duck collecting a poor goal kick to cut inside and hit a left footed effort from the edge of the box into the bottom corner. That was Dave’s first goal with his left foot since he used to good around five years. Perhaps he should turn up pissed most weeks?

VB kept plugging away despite being 3-0 down and their centre back nearly scored what would have been one of the best goals we’ve ever conceded when he went on a run which took him past six green shirts before being cruelly denied by McCarthy. Michael took the unusual approach of diving to the floor and heading a ball away which was about a yard off the ground, after which Turner reminded him you could use your feet in a game of football and McCarthy had to be alert to pull off a few more smart stops.

The VB goal came around the 70 minute mark and it was a comedy of errors from a Fatboys point of view. It began when Spiesy deflected a shot back to McCarthy with his head which could have been a routine catch for the Fatboys goalkeeper. The ball was spinning violently and McCarthy didn’t fancy that however, instead deciding to swing a leg at it and volley it sideways out of play for a throw.

With the rest of the Fatboys squad still marvelling at their goalkeeper’s nonchalant bit of play, VB took full advantage to take the throw quickly, swinging over a cross which Mike rose to head into the stanchion for a beautiful own goal. We didn’t actually score any own goals last year, so this was a welcome return and means that we will at least have one meaningful candidate for the coveted John Humphrey Own Goal of the Season award come the end of the year.

Regular watchers of the Fatboys might have begun to panic at that point as we now only had a two-goal lead with 20 minutes remaining and with a possible momentum shift having taken place. They needn’t have worried though as Ronnie Devonish got on the ball from the restart and managed to win a corner. Duck swung a delivery over from out on the right and Turner used a VB defender as a climbing wall to rise highest and head home. Remarkably, the referee deemed that not to be a foul and the goal stood for the defender, who had swapped his normal Saturday night preparation of 20 vodka and cokes in Savannah for a night in wearing a face mask.

That killed the game off and it was a very sedate final 15 minutes, only livened up when Duck delivered another low cross which Jordan took off the feet of Andy but fired wide. Captain Brown was less than impressed, shouting “FUCK OFF JORDAN, FUCK OFF JORDAN,” at the striker who was in the hunt for a hat-trick. Thankfully, there were no hard feelings afterwards although Jordan did inexplicably shower in the away team changing room on his own. Stuart meanwhile got straight in his car and drove off at the final whistle, so it’s safe to say he took his half at right back well.

 

Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Returned to the side with a string of fine saves over the course of the 90 minutes. He even played a number of one-twos around the edge of the box which was as frightening as it was cultured.
Jamie Wilkes
Wilkesy was not a very well man and would go onto be sick shortly after the final whistle. He still put in a real shift out-of-position at right back though, earning an assist and breaking forward well before injury struck.
Mike McDonald
Marked his home debut with an excellent entry into the Fatboys Own Goal Club. Other than that he had a very good morning, especially given that he was effectively playing as a centre back and a right back in the second half.
Dan Turner
Opened his account for the season with a trademark header. His positioning was spot on throughout, always being there to mop up the loose ball. He also provided two moments of comedy with that free kick which ended up in Haywards Heath and when he fell over and began moaning about getting dirty.
Michael Russell
Back on the left side of the defence, he had a barnstorming game. Defended well, got forward with ease and nearly scored. What was going through his mind when he headed a ball that was a yard off the ground we’ll probably never know.
Ronnie Devonish
A typical Ronnie display. Don’t think he lost the ball once, always picked the correct pass and he did some excellent covering whenever Michael or Turner went wandering forward.
Steve Spies
Many would have questioned the sanity of turning a 50-year-old man who has spent his entire career as a striker or defender into a holding midfielder. But the decision continues to pay off as Spiesy gave another tour-de-force performance in the engine room.
Andy Brown
Saw plenty of the ball and tried to make things happen. He nearly scored with a fine header in the second half, only to be denied by the VB goalkeeper’s best save of the game as he somehow kept it out from point blank range with a foot.
Dave Keane
Did not look a well man as he cradled a bacon sandwich lathered with brown sauce before the game. Looks can be deceiving though and he scored once and claimed two assists in a man-of-the-match display.
Jordan Walsh
Finally managed to score in front of Chantelle, ending the game with two goals. Seems to be coming back to his prolific best, which is good news with a tough run of games coming up in November.
Stuart Brown
A thoroughly enjoyable morning from Stuart. He actually had a good game out on the right and looked a real threat on the wing, which was great except for the fact he was supposed to be playing as a full back.

 

Subs

Joe Brockes
The Goblin was back for his first appearance of the season. Had a couple of chances to score and also delivered some excellent crosses from the left side of the front three. Managed to get through over 45 minutes without his 90-year-old skeleton breaking down which was good to see.

 

Goals

18′ Walsh, assist Wilkes
29′ Walsh, assist Keane
54′ Keane, assist VB goalkeeper
73′ Turner, assist Keane

 

Man of the Match

A close call between Jordan Walsh and Dave Keane but it just goes to Duck for scoring once and claiming two assists. His next left footed goal is due in 2024.